Stricken
by myonlyheroin
Summary: Grief affects everyone differently. Some flounder. Some ignore it all together. Some Just move on and go through the motions. But some remain stagnant, trapped in their grief, allowing it to consume them completely. Epov. Olderward. AH
1. Chapter 1

**So, um, this fic came to me the other night. I wasn't even planning on starting a new fic at all until I had all my others marked complete before I added another, but I guess this idea had a mind of it's own. It consumed me until I wrote the first chapter. My plan is to post this one every other day. As always, you can expect an HEA with this one. Will be told completely in Epov.**

 **This will be the shortest chapter. They will get longer the further we go.**

 **Thank you to Kyla713 for looking this over and to littlelovely for her flails.**

 **I'll just leave you guys to it then.**

 **~.~**

 **Chapter 1:**

The longer I looked in the mirror, the more I became convinced that it was a ghost staring back at me.

A ghost with haunted green eyes.

Youth had long since disappeared and traded itself for gray hair. Crinkles and dark circles replaced the once smooth skin around sorrow-filled eyes.

No laugh lines were found.

The being that looked back at me was empty. A shell.

I ran my fingers through my hair, tugging hard, wanting to feel anything but numbness. There was a twinge of pain, but not enough for me to recognize it, to revel in it.

It wasn't enough. Nothing was ever enough anymore.

Sighing, I bowed my head, trying to forget the being that stared back at me, wishing for once I felt how I remembered I should feel. My hands grasped tightly to the sink as I tried not to just crumple to the floor. I'd have gladly spent my days on the cold bathroom floor if it meant I didn't have to face another day.

Days were hard, but nights I found excruciating.

Sleep, I discovered, since coming home, was difficult. The minute I'd close my eyes was the instant all hell was unleashed.

Memories I'd rather not relive.

I forced myself to leave the bathroom, to walk to my closet and grab a shirt, pants, and made myself get dressed. I sat on the bed to put my shoes on, but instead, I just stared down at the floor, my brain feeling oddly empty. I couldn't tell you what I did yesterday or the day before. Nor could I tell you what I planned to do five minutes from now.

Sometime later, I found myself downstairs sitting at my table, a banana and cereal in front of me. I robotically ate as the silence of the room engulfed me.

I closed my eyes for the briefest of seconds, hoping that for once, flashbacks and pain wouldn't hit me.

But they did. They always did.

I doubted the pain would ever let me go. It would always be pinned to my heart with a constant reminder of the loss.

Life seemed so pointless now.

How are you supposed to just forget and move on? Why didn't we have an instruction manual for life and how to just be?

It seemed cruel to me now that we just float through life, expected to find our way, our happiness, from birth to death. It felt so unfair that there was no guide. I sure as hell would've rather had someone holding my hand and telling me that it gets better.

But we all know that was a lie.

Noise infiltrated my ears and I blinked my eyes rapidly. I didn't even know how I drove to work, or when I got there—I just knew I was there.

Even with hundreds of people surrounding me, I was still alone as ever.

I shuffled papers as I bowed my head once again, allowing that dark void that was new my best friend to consume me.

I'd make it home hours later, only to repeat the same thing over and over, day after day.

 **~.~**

 **So, your thoughts? Thank you for reading!**


	2. Chapter 2

**I can't thank you guys enough for how much love you guys have given this story already! So thank you for taking the time to take a chance on it, read and review. I'd tacklehug you all if I could.**

 **Now, just so you all know. This will be told completely in Edward's POV. He is about 45, Bella about 33. I figure I might as well say it here, since ages won't have a huge play in this story. I hope you keep enjoying it. There will be some glimpses of good, but it is going to be a bumpy ride to get to our HEA.**

 **As always, thank you to Kyla713 for putting up with me and looking this over.**

 **I'll leave you guys to it.**

 **~.~**

Chapter 2-

The act of closing my eyes and finding relaxation was a feat all on its own. Sleep was hard; it was as if my body couldn't allow me to dream, to ignore the hours until a new day started anew.

No, dreams were a punishment.

There were times where I lay in bed and wished for sleep, nothing but a white static, dreamless sleep, and instead, I would find myself staring at walls until my eyes finally closed.

When they did close...

 _Bright lights flicker into the night, causing me to wake in a jolt. My head is foggy with sleep, but deep down, I know I must move._

 _My hands idly search for the items I need._

 _I grab metal, cold metal._

 _Loud noises overtake me, my heart rate rises, my breaths come in shorter and faster._

I would always jump out of bed at exactly the same time. I'd curl into a ball and try to tell myself it was all just a dream.

Memories...dreams. Same thing. They all hurt, anyway.

Sleep came in spurts. At the most, a few hours, if my body and brain allowed that much. I barely felt the effects of sleep anymore. I never felt rested enough, but at the same time, I didn't want to sleep.

Silence was a monster all in itself. I wanted it, but hated it at the same time. During the day, I reveled in it, preferred it. At night, the slightest sounds would set me on edge.

I no longer had a ticking clock; the sound just made me clench my jaw as the seconds passed by.

I couldn't do a white noise machine, or one with ocean waves crashing. It was too much, and not enough at the same time.

My windows no longer allowed light to sneak in. They had dark coverings to help keep the sun and artificial light out.

It felt safer that way.

It had been five years, and I was no closer to feeling like I'd ever move past what happened. I couldn't even bring myself to face it, even though it was right there at the forefront of my mind.

Every day. Every second. Every hour. Every year, month, minute.

In the beginning, I felt okay. People around me would say different.

It was shock, they'd say. I disagreed. I still felt normal, like I could function. Though, I knew that was only because I was choosing to ignore it, or tried to anyway.

Two months after was when I finally allowed it to fully hit me. The hurricane of emotion held nothing back. My breaths came shorter, faster. My heart pounded furiously as I fell to the floor and succumbed to sobs that felt like they were stabbing me, creating a new wound each time.

I curled into myself on that floor, eyes clenched shut, arms wrapped around myself, trying in some way to hold myself together. That only worked until I found myself pleading with someone, I still wasn't sure who, to take my hurt away.

My hurt still was there, taunting me. No one tried to save me from it. Which, I suppose was hard, when I couldn't even save myself from it.

I didn't sleep at all that night. I just chanted a million sorries into a void, hoping that who I needed to hear it, would.

When the morning dawn hit the next day, I was no closer to finding my absolution. I didn't feel any better, only I felt a much bigger weight bearing down on me.

I got up that day, dressed, ate breakfast, and looked around. The world hadn't changed— the people still went about out, and I was still here.

I stayed up three days, praying pure exhaustion would find me and just take me, instead of me crying alone. No one knew the effect everything had on me. I refused to let it show. I should've let someone in then, maybe then I wouldn't feel like such a ghost.

It is oddly funny, to me anyway, that grief comes in five stages. You have the denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. I seemed to have skipped over a few all together. I had the denial down pat, still do. I never really felt the anger. The bargaining, though... that was the tricky one. I had days, a lot of days where I wished it was me instead. That I'd give anything that it was. Depression was obviously one that demanded to stay with me and still hadn't let up.

The hardest one was acceptance. Deep down, I knew I'd never get there. It was one thing to accept that fatefull day and its events, it was another to be okay with it. To move on fully from it. To finally admit that they were gone and nothing I did or said would ever bring them back.

So, in my opinion, those five stages of grief were pure bullshit.

Seeing how it had been five years, I didn't see any change on my horizon. I was just existing, going through the motions, trying to make some sort of normalcy in the storm that had been unending in my life.

Another day of looking at myself in the mirror and still seeing the ghost of me stare back. Another day of just grabbing whatever my hands found and putting it on. Just going through the same events, over and over.

But for the first time in five years, it felt a twinge of something different. As I left my house and locked the door, I noticed the sun for the first time in what felt like a very long time.

 **~.~**

 **Thank you for reading. Next update will be Wednesday.**


	3. Chapter 3

**There is something oddly freeing about making myself write everyday, even if just a short chapter here and there. That said, an ADSP update should show up tomorrow. Thank you guys for reading and enjoying this story so far.**

 **Thank you to Kyla713 for looking this over as well as to littlelovely for all her comments.**

 **I'll let you guys get to it.**

 **~.~**

 **Chapter 3-**

On the way to work that morning, I deviated from routine. Instead of staring at my feet as I made my way to the bus, I lifted my head and let the sun's rays warm me.

It was as if I had felt cold for so long that something as simple as the sun's warmth had become so foreign to me.

Once at work, I sat at my desk, head down and pushed through the mundane task of filling out papers, sending them to the appropriate people, making phone calls. I didn't even feel like I was there. I was still focused on the feelings the sun brought me.

 _Had I ignored it all these years? Did I just ghost through life, not at all paying attention to my surroundings?_

 _Fuck!_

I slammed my fist on my desk, pencils and pens falling to the ground. I shyly looked around to see if anyone noticed, but no one looked up. I closed my eyes, trying to find calm and came up empty. Instead, I found myself angry. I just wanted that simple feeling of warmth back.

On the walk home, I was back to where I was before. My feet took me where I needed to go, my head stayed down, my eyes never meeting another commuter. It was pouring down rain anyway.

As I reached my gate to my townhouse, I heard a car door slam shut, and a woman stomping her foot and cursing. Normally, I'd have just ignored it and gone in, but for whatever reason, I looked up and noticed the moving van and the long brown hair of my new neighbor.

She turned around and noticed me, giving a shy smile as she waved hello. I tried to smile back, but I was pretty sure I came off with a grimace, and waved.

My keys, as I grabbed them out of my pocket, felt like stones as I walked up my front steps and unlocked my door. The minute I was inside and shut the door, the warmth left me again and I was back to the safety of how things had been for me for the past five years.

I took a moment to look around. I never really moved into this place, the walls were just as bare as they were when I first walked through those doors. There was a TV set up along a wall in the living room. A couch across from that. No plants, no pictures. I never really made it a home.

The thought of never deserving something such as that was always at the forefront of my mind. If they couldn't have the warmth and happiness that a home could bring, then I didn't need it, either.

Except now, I found myself selfishly wanting it, and that thought left the weight of a boulder in my stomach that wouldn't seem to get to go away.

Dinner was spent in quiet. I didn't even bother to turn on the television. It would just be the same thing day after day. More terrorist attacks, more deaths. More politicians deciding on people's fates. More of everything I wish I could ignore.

A short time later, I found myself in the shower. The water on the hottest setting, my skin not even feeling it, but I could see the red. I stood there, staring at the shower wall as the water ran down my body, my mind occupied with a time that played on repeat in my memories.

 _The walls of the hospital were stark white. The voices overhead was static to my ears. The people passing, I paid no mind to as they walked by, hurrying to wherever they needed to be._

 _I had dried blood on my face, arms and shirt. My pants were torn, my boots were gods knew where. I was sure I needed stitches in the wound I covered myself, but I couldn't bring myself to care. I had other things on my mind._

 _I closed my eyes, praying, willing the doctor to come throw the doors and tell me that everything was okay._

 _I spent hours pacing up and down the waiting room. I couldn't bring myself to sit down. I had turned down a meal, coffee, someone to wait in my place._

 _By the time the doctor did walk through the doors, I felt like it had been days. The minute I looked up at the doctor's face and noticed the anguish there, the defeat, I knew that my world was shattered and would never be the same again._

 _And it was all my fault._

 _I didn't need the doctor to confirm it—I felt in my heart and soul. I knew they were gone and a piece me splintered away, never to be a part of me again. My knees hit the floor as a sob tore from my chest. Someone's hands pressed on my shoulders, trying to offer comfort, but they were not the hands that I needed._

 _The doctor kept apologizing, but I wanted nothing to do with it. He wasn't the one who ended their lives. He wasn't the one who made a wrong decision._

I softly knocked my head against the shower wall, and finally registered just how cold the water was now that the hot water had ran out. I shut off the shower, grabbed a towel, dried off and stood in front of the mirror. Tears were pouring down my cheeks and I couldn't bring myself to make them stop.

It oddly felt good.

It was liberating in a sense, that I finally allowed myself that. It was the first time I'd truly cried since that night in the hospital.

I slowly got dressed for bed, locked up the house and grabbed a glass of water. When I got into bed, I had the sense of how lonely and cold it felt. No matter how tightly I curled up into a ball, wrapped all the blankets around me, I couldn't find my warmth.

Sometime in the night, I was jolted awake, my pillow wet from tears. Memories of loud noises, people yelling and screaming, a gun being loaded and fired infiltrated my dreams.

I didn't fall asleep again. My eyes wouldn't shut, no matter how hard I tried. My mind was too occupied. Instead, I got up and forced myself to start the day.

Leaving my house that morning, I was met with basket and a hot thermos of coffee with a card attached, waiting for me on my front porch. I looked around, trying to find who left it, but I was the only one out.

I opened the card, and found blue paper with purple ink staring back at me.

 **Sir-**

 **I hope you don't mind this, but they say that some warm tea can do wonders for a tired soul. Chocolate, even better. I think you could use some. Please enjoy this tea, the chocolate muffins and some fruit. I hope they bring you a smile.**

 **I heard you last night. Your tears tore at my heart, your screams and yelling made me want to run to you. But since we don't know each other, maybe this will help you to at least get through your day.**

 **My door is always open.**

 **Bella.**

I stared down at her note, not at all sure what to think. It was the first time in a very long time that someone did something for me. I felt embarrassed that she had heard me; I hadn't even realized I still screamed in my sleep.

I tore a bit of paper off her note, and replied back, leaving it on her door.

 **Bella-**

 **Thank you.**

 **Edward.**

I took a sip of the tea she'd made and a bite of one of the muffins, and began my trek to work again. I didn't look down at my feet, but instead, once again, enjoyed the sun's warmth on my face.

 **~.~**

 **Thank you for reading! I hope you continue to enjoy this fic. Next update will be Friday.**


	4. Chapter 4

**Sorry for the late update today, but hopefully today's update makes up for it. Some clues are in it. ADSP update will follow.**

 **Thank you to Kyla713 for looking it over and putting up with me, as well as littlelovely.**

 **Here we go.**

 **~.~**

 **Chapter 4-**

The small gift of that tea and chocolate muffins that Bella had graciously given me, remained on my mind all day. I had become so accustomed to ignoring my surroundings, people in my life, that I wasn't used to small gestures.

Sadness flooded me and I found myself frowning as I looked down while the bus taking me home hit every pothole known to man. I never thought that I would become so closed off in my grief, that just one small gesture would open my eyes.

 _Not just grief. You're punishing yourself._

I sat there as the bus would stop and go, letting off passengers, and I wondered, where was everyone that I had pushed away all these years? My mom and dad? Friends?

I couldn't even remember the last time I took a phone call from any of them. I pulled out my phone, unlocked it, and my finger hovered over the contact button. I took a deep breath, closed my eyes and pressed on the icon. I scrolled down until I found my mom's number, my finger hovering over the call button.

 _Would she even want to talk to me? Would she hate me? I wouldn't forgive me if I was her._

I hesitated a bit longer, clutching the phone in my hand. I noticed my stop was near, pocketed my phone, and then got out once the bus stopped at my stop.

Once off the bus, I started to walk home. All the while, my fingers kept brushing against my phone until I couldn't take it anymore and pulled it out of my pocket again. I wasted no time pressing call on my mother's name.

Each ring made me hold my breath until I heard silence, so I took a chance. "Mom?"

I made it to my front porch and sat down, phone still to my ear when I heard a quiet sob break through the line.

"Ed-Edward?" My mother released a sob again before sighing. "You've made my day. It has been way too long. Don't you ever stay away so long again. I can't take it. My heart can't take it."

I clenched my eyes closed, brought the phone down to my chest and shook my head. The guilt was gnawing at me, slowly eating at me. With the phone back up to my ear, I slowly inhaled and exhaled to calm me, to try and not let tears fall.

"I'm sorry, Mom."

"No apologies. You called. How are you? Are you okay?"

My mom was now in her seventies, and sometime over the last five years, her voice had become much softer, quieter. I could imagine her sitting in her favorite chair, her long reddish hair with gray streaks throughout it, her green eyes on my dad as she clutched the phone to her ear.

 _I've missed her so much._

"I'm fine. Getting by," I admitted, not at all wanting to let my mom in on the fact of how much I'd truly punished myself over the years.

"I've missed you so very much, Edward. As has your father." My mother then said something off to the side of the phone and then I heard a click, and my dad's voice came on through the line.

"Son? Is it really you?" my father, Carlisle, said. His voice was deeper, and more gravely than I remembered.

"Yeah, Dad. It's me. I'm sorry for-"

"No apologizing, Edward. This is a happy occasion, you calling. It means so much to your mother and I." I could hear the happiness in his voice, and again, that guilt of pushing them away was knocking on my heart, splintering it apart.

A tear fell as I let the feelings overtake me.

 _I'm a forty-five-year-old man who can't even emotionally keep it together. Way to go._

"I just want you to know that you can always come home. You can call us at any hour, any day, even if it is just to say hi."

"I know, Dad. I just...I guess...I let things keep a hold of me for so long that I didn't see the light at the end of the tunnel," I admitted, suddenly feeling a little lighter.

My mom then chimed in. "You know they wouldn't want you to beat yourself up and punish yourself. None of what happened was your fault. None of it. The blame is solely placed on the people who chose to storm in that day, to fire the guns. Not on you. Edward, you have to know, they wouldn't want that."

I sucked in a breath and tried to nod, as if they could see that action.

"I just...I want to just go back to that day. Make some sort of new decision and maybe then I wouldn't be where I am now and maybe then they'd still be alive."

"Your job isn't to control fate, Edward," my dad said, emotion coating his voice. "You can't drown in 'what ifs', son. That does no one any good."

"I know. I know that, but they always chisel away at my brain."

I stood up and turned around to unlock my door, noticing my neighbor was outside. I waved, tried to smile, but I felt too much of a mess at that moment.

Once in my house, and the silence on my phone got to me, I told my parents that I needed to go, and I promised I'd call them and sort out a visit soon.

I felt like all my emotions over a simple phone call had been rung out of me in the span of a few minutes. I felt drained and all I wanted to do was sleep.

I laid down on my couch after divesting myself of everything that I had carried in with me. I stared up at the ceiling for a few before closing my eyes.

" _Get down! A voice yelled to the right of me before a whizzing sound passed my ear. I dropped down, as close to the ground as I could._

 _Another shot rang out from my left side, before a loud noise went off to the right of me again._

 _My heart was pounding so hard in my chest, I thought it would jump out of me._

 _I tried to breathe, to calm myself, but I couldn't._

" _He's hit! Medic! Shit! He's hit!" I called out, after crawling to the person next to me, their face was bloody, the arm completely torn from the body._

I woke with a jolt, cold sweat covered me. My mind felt like it was under some sort of fog, but I couldn't shake off the feelings that were currently cascading over me.

Fear was most prominent.

Sadness.

Fury.

I got up and walked to my kitchen, grabbing a glass from the counter to get some water. I gulped it down, but felt like it was all going to come back up.

This always happened. I hated to remember, but needed to do so.

I walked into my room, over to the closet, and pulled down a box, taking out a picture.

My eyes grew watery as I stared down at it. Three faces who I would never see again stared back at me.

 _I am so sorry. So very sorry._

 **~.~**

 **Thank you for reading and reviewing. Aiming for Sunday update.**


	5. Chapter 5

**Sneaking in a update before I have to head out for the day. I hope you guys like this chapter. And I hope you all have had a good weekend.**

 **Thanks to Kyla713 for putting up with me and looking this over, along with Littlelovely.**

 **So, I'll just leave you guys to it then.**

 **~.~**

 **Chapter 5-**

That night, I spent hours tossing and turning. My stomach felt unsettled, most likely due to nerves—from what, I wasn't sure.

Maybe it was due to remembering, staring at that picture for hours on end, wishing and hoping that maybe I was in some alternate reality and they were alive somewhere. But loss was something real and tangible; it wasn't just placed inside your chest where your heart beats for no reason. Loss is meant to be felt. Fate made sure I felt that every day of my existence.

Or maybe it was the phone call with my parents. While it felt good to hear both their voices, the guilt kept eating at me, not at all lessening, no matter how much I moved as I tried to get comfortable.

I wanted to believe the anxiety, the unsettled feelings were due to me finally realizing that I did have a life to live. That I had to find a way to come to terms with what truly happened, no matter how hard it was and how much I wanted to continue avoiding it.

I gave in around two in the morning and kicked the blankets off me. I grabbed a tee-shirt, some shorts and walked out towards my back door to my deck. I didn't bother turning on lights, but I did grab a beer.

Sitting down on the chair facing out towards the woods, I sighed. My chest felt heavy, and my eyes stung due to lack of sleep. Yet, still, I looked up to the sky and began counting stars. It was a surprisingly clear night, not a cloud to be found. Only the moon, stars, and my lonesome self.

Well, that was until a small cough came from the left of me.

"Can't sleep, either?" A sweet voice cut through the darkness.

 _Bella._

"Nope, afraid sleep doesn't find me easily these days," I replied as I turned my head toward her, trying to find her in the darkness.

"Well, it is comforting to know that I'm not alone in my insomniac ways." She chuckled, and then I heard a clink of a glass being set down.

"What keeps you up?" I asked, curious.

Bella took a while to reply, the silence made me wonder if I had asked the wrong thing.

"What-ifs seem to make it hard to count sheep. You?"

I took a sip of my beer and sat it down next to me. "I think about things I wish I could forget. Sounds. Noises. Smells."

"You mind if I climb over to your deck? I'd like to at least see your face when I'm talking to you." I could hear the kind smile in her voice.

"No, come on over, but hang on a sec. Let me grab a chair and then I'll help you climb over. Don't want you getting hurt," I told her, already getting up to grab a chair. Once I did, I placed it next to mine, moving my beer over, so it wouldn't get spilled.

The first thing I noticed as I grabbed her hand to help her over, was how instantly warm it felt. As if I was hit with an electric shock. The second thing was how she smelled of the freshest wildflowers. The last thing was how small she really was. She had to be at least a good seven inches or so shorter than me.

She held my hand until she found her way to the chair next to mine and sat down.

"Can I get you a drink?" I asked, knowing she probably left hers behind.

"If you don't mind. Beer if you have it."

I nodded and walked back into my kitchen and grabbed two. I sat down next to with a sigh and handed one of the beers off to her.

We both took a sip, and then set our drinks back down. Bella let out a sigh and leaned back, her legs pulled up to a chest.

"You cold, little one?" I asked, teasingly, which earned me a huff from the beautiful angel next to me.

"I am fine, if you must know. And for your information, I'm not _that_ short, you giant."

I laughed and took another pull at my beer, leaning my head back.

"Isn't it funny how the prettiest of times is at night with all the stars, and yet it is that time that chooses to haunt you the most?" she asked, her voice soft.

"It's always the night. You find silence in darkness, but sometimes, it's the silence that eats at you," I answered honestly. "But I also find comfort in it. I can't explain that, really."

"No. I get it." She looked over at me, her long hair hiding her face partially. "The days are harder, because you truly have to face the day, and people. In the night...you just try to be."

I got the sense that there was more to it for her. That maybe she was hiding some demons of her own the more she talked.

"So, neighbor, what made you move out here. A bit away from the city?"

She sighed and looked up at the sky, her eyes followed a shooting star. "I had to move. I couldn't stay. Plus, it is quiet here. In more ways than one." She turned her head towards me and offered up a shy smile.

We then fell into a lull in quiet. I found that it felt comfortable, safe to be with her. Just talking. I didn't think I had just talked in years. I felt as if I was slowly becoming more human again.

She broke the silence to check her watch. "Just after a quarter past three, and I am nowhere near sleep. Good thing for no work tomorrow."

"Well, seeing as we're both wide awake, I don't mind staying out here with you until one of us yawns." I looked over at her, smiled, and had the urge to brush my finger down her cheek to help the hair away from her face. I held back, of course.

"Sounds like a plan to me."

"I used to ask my dad how many stars were in the sky," I randomly shot out. "He'd tell me that there were as many as the universe felt was needed, that every star was just another piece into a huge puzzle."

"I think I agree with your dad."

Bella grew quiet and then lazily turned her head away from the sky and back toward me. "My dad... My dad would tell me to wish on a star every night. That eventually, fate would have me pick the right one and my wish would come true. I'm still waiting on it to come true."

That last statement of hers felt heavy, so I closed my eyes, recognizing a feel of loss in her words.

I took a chance and grabbed her hand, hoping she wouldn't mind, and entwined our fingers, squeezing gently, attempting to convey that I understood.

We grew quiet again, and continued to hold hands as the minutes and hours ticked by. Just when the sun was starting to rise, and the stars began to go into hiding, Bella let out a yawn.

"I think it is time to get back into bed?" I asked, nudging her.

"Yeah, I keep yawning. I hope you'll get some sleep, too, Edward."

There was something about her saying my name that made me melt a little inside.

"Let me help you back over." I helped her up and lifted her back over to her railing. She grabbed her empty glass on her table, just as I grabbed the empty beer bottles to take back in with me.

Just before she went in her door, I asked, "Hey, Bella, if you don't mind me asking, what was it you wished for that never came true?"

Her eyes grew slightly misty as she looked at me and replied, "To have him back. To have my dad back."

She hurried in through her door and I found myself still standing outside mine, knowing I'd wish for the same thing.

To have them back.

 **~.~**

 **So, thoughts? Thank you for reading and all of your reviews. They truly make my day.**


	6. Chapter 6

**The lemonade stand made my day by having this fic mentioned in their post yesterday. So, I can't thank them enough for that. So, you guys get a bit more about Edward in this chapter. Not much, but still a clue. *wink ***

 **Thanks again to Kyla713 and Littlelovely. I don't know how they put up with me.**

 **I'll just leave you guys to it. Enjoy.**

 **~.~**

 **Chapter 6-**

I couldn't even remember the last time that I slept for more than three hours at a time. After I said goodbye to Bella on the back porch early in the morning, I slept a solid ten hours, straight through. For once, I could honestly say I was well rested.

The phone ringing had woken me up, but I choose to ignore it, instead laid in bed for just a bit longer. I found that Bella was on my mind, especially after what she revealed. I wanted to know how she lost her dad, but I felt selfish in wanting to know that, seeing as I had my own story I didn't feel like divulging anytime soon.

But something inside me told me that I'd end up telling her everything soon anyway. And maybe it would be just what I needed, but I wasn't ready for anyone else to carry that weight of mine.

I grabbed my phone and looked at the caller ID, instantly wishing I hadn't.

I just didn't want to deal.

I'd call them back later, when I could prepare for it. The last time I heard their voices was five years before, with me telling them their son was no longer on this earth. The gut wrenching sobs still tore at me, the reverent "no, you have to be lying. It can't be." The 'how could you let this happen?' stabbed at me, more than they would probably ever know.

They were the worst of the three phone calls I made that day. I felt like it was my duty; that I had to do it, that I at least owed them that.

But nothing ever prepares you for phone calls, or even telling anyone that news. I didn't want it coming from someone higher up that would appear at their front door. I wanted it to come from someone they actually knew and trusted.

 _Heh, trusted._

I wasn't sure I'd ever be ready to face another phone call with them, even if I was just a bit better in circumstance.

I let them down, and they paid for it dearly. How could I ever make up for that?

Finally, I got out of bed, did my business, got dressed. I did the routine of looking at myself in the mirror, and instead of not caring at what was looking back at me, I took myself in. I needed a shave, and a haircut.

I decided that I'd take care of those, and reaching that decision made me feel a bit brighter, over something so simple as a haircut.

Grabbing my wallet, and for once, my car keys, I went out the front door and locked up. Instantly, my eyes went over to Bella's yard. She was sitting on her front porch, reading. She noticed me and stood up, smiling.

"Hey, Edward. How are you?"

"Good. For once, I slept," I admitted, cracking her a shy smile.

"I hoped so. It was quiet. I almost knocked on your door to check on you." She winked. "Any plans? I was thinking, if you weren't busy later, that maybe you could come over for dinner? It's been awhile since I cooked for more than myself."

I nodded. "Sounds good. I'm just off for a coffee and a haircut. I haven't even eaten at all yet." I laughed and nervously ran my hands through my longer than usual hair.

"Well, I'll have everything ready in about an hour and half. Just come on over to the back porch, yeah?"

I nodded and waved bye, before getting in my car and hitting the local coffee shop. From there, I made my way to the barber.

The man behind the only open chair nodded for me to come forward. I sat down, and he covered me with the vest and began to set up for me.

"Marine?" a gruff voice asked.

I looked up in the mirror at the barber behind me. "Yes, sir. A vet. Honorably discharged."

He looked me over and nodded. "I was a Marine myself. Have a son that is currently enlisted. So, thank you for your service."

 _It had been so long since I admitted that I served. It felt so good to own up to it._

"So, proper trim? Off sides, a bit off top and a shave?" he asked, grabbing the shears and trimmer.

"Yup. Just do me up to regulation standards." I laughed, joking.

Once I was done, he refused to take my money or tip, instead saying it was on the house. I discreetely left him the money anyway. He'd never know just how much he fixed a tiny bit in me with something as simple as a haircut and shave.

The drive home, my thoughts were on the day I enlisted. Which was almost twenty-five years before; a life time ago, it felt like. I was twenty years old, going nowhere. Lost in what to do, and not at all wanting to follow in my father's footsteps, I stumbled across a recruitment office.

Walking in those doors that day ended up being one of the best decisions I made. A life altering decision some twenty years later, when I lost everything.

I pulled into my drive, darkness already taking over since I'd slept most of the day away for once. I made my way into the house, putting my things away. I had stopped by on the way home at another coffee shop, picking up two, knowing Bella and I would probably need it. Opening the back door, I spied her immediately. She was placing plates down on her table when she looked up.

I lifted up a coffee to her, and she walked over and grabbed it, and then mine, so I could climb over the barrier easily, since our townhouses were adjoined.

Dinner with her was easy. It was comfortable, and felt nice to just be and enjoy a homecooked meal. We talked about anything and everything. She told me about growing up in Forks, while I told her of my time in Chicago. We both divulged how we ended up in Seattle and moving outside of the major part of the city. We were both drawn to a big city, but being near the sea. She admitted that she couldn't move too far away from her dad, yet she couldn't live in Forks. It hurt too much.

I hugged her then and listened to her sigh. I totally understood wanting to run away from memories.

Hell, I'd been doing it for years.

Eventually, we cleaned up from dinner and came back out to sit down, enjoying the quiet evening.

"You look as if you've had a good day, Edward."

I looked over at her and smiled. "It's been a great day, Bella. One of the best that I've had in a while."

 **~.~**

 **Thoughts? Thank you all for reading and reviewing. I truly enjoy each one. Next update should be Thursday.**


	7. Chapter 7

**So, I should probably give you guys a tissue warning with this chapter. I'm told by two people who have read it already that I should.**

 **Thanks to Kyla713 and Littlelovely for putting up with me.**

 **So, I think I'll just let you guys get on with it. See you at the bottom.**

 **~.~**

 **Chapter 7-**

Whenever I used to get a message or a phone call, I would ignore them, not at all caring what the messages said. The way I looked at it was nothing was going to change anything and words were not going to assuage my guilt any, so I just didn't see the point in talking.

But it was different now.

The flashing light on my phone indicating a message had been left was niggling away at me. I felt guilty for not calling them back, but I selfishly didn't want to ruin the good day that I'd just had.

That didn't stop me from listening to the message that was left, though. In a way, I figured I'd at least feed my guilt with hearing their voices.

The minute Mrs. McCarty's voice came through on the message, was the minute I was shattered.

She sounded just the same, just as broken.

I wished with everything in me that day, that I could somehow fix everything. I found myself wishing the same again as her message played on.

" _Edward, dear..." She sighed, forcing back a sob as I closed my eyes and listened._

" _We've been trying to find you. We tracked you down through your last base assignment where you were discharged. That led us to your parents, which now leads me to this voicemail."_

I could hear another voice in the background, gruff and low, telling her that it's all right, keep going.

" _We just would like to meet up with you, talk to you. Make sure you're okay with our own eyes."_

 _The message went quiet for a few seconds, before her voice picked back up again._

" _Edward, we never blamed you. I need you to know this. It is important to us that you know this."_

Mrs. McCarty then left a contact number for me to call back. I pressed end on my voicemail, sat down on my bed and just stared at my phone. All the while, my heart was beating in my chest, as breaths came shorter and faster.

Placing my head in my hands, I bent over and hoped I'd calm myself.

It didn't work.

Emmett McCarty was one of the closest friends I had in the Marines. We enlisted together, served together, and were lucky enough to pretty much follow each other on each assignment. We looked out for each other, and always had one another's backs.

Until the day I failed him.

He was just one of the men I lost. There were two others I was close to in my squad. They meant just as much to me, but losing Emmett hit a bit harder.

It was in the words he said as he took his last breaths.

I let out a sob as they replayed back in my mind.

 _A missile had flown overhead as more gunshots rang out around us, wounded all around our Humvee. Emmett had been one of the first hit; he was the first person I could remember crawling to, finding him bloodied and broken apart._

" _Looks like this is it, bro," he tried to joke, his eyes squinting shut._ " _You tell my Rosie I love her, that I love our boys."_

 _I grabbed his hand harder, squeezing. I bent down and begged him to stay, to wait for the medic, that he'd be all right._

 _He shook his head no and looked me square in the eyes and said, "Tell my parents that I'm thankful for the life they gave me."_

 _I begged him some more to just hold on, but his breaths were now coming faster, shorter._

" _Love you, bro."_

 _He exhaled and that was the last time I heard anything out of the man I called my best friend and my brother._

The memories were too much all at once. I shuddered, knowing there was worse. Knowing that had I chosen differently, not carried out the mission we were sent out on, he would probably still be here.

I tried so hard not to dwell on the 'what ifs' again, but they were bombarding me almost as much as the guilt was.

Looking at the clock, I realized that it had been hours since I said goodnight to Bella. I was now wishing were still out on the porch, just staring up at the sky, if it meant I didn't have to deal with this, to feel any of it.

 _It had been so long since I've even thought his name._

The silence in my house was suffocating and lonely. I almost ran over to Bella's with the excuse that I couldn't sleep, and ask her to stay up with me. Talk with me, anything to get my mind off what was currently holding my thoughts hostage.

I held back.

I forced myself to get ready for bed. I told myself to sleep, tomorrow would be better.

That was a common lie of mine.

It rarely felt better after sleep. It was still there in the morning, still heavy in my chest.

Normally, I'd lock up, secure the house for the night, but something told me I'd be all right if I didn't. The worse thing that could get me out there, since we were miles outside the main part of Seattle, was a wayward raccoon trying to take over my cupboards.

I laid down and exhaled slowly, closing my eyes. I kept exhaling and inhaling, deeper each time. My hope was that it would calm me, get me close to sleep.

When that didn't work, I tried to count sheep, which then just annoyed me.

My last resort was music, so I grabbed my iPod and put something soothing on. Eventually, my eyes grew heavy and finally succumbed to sleep.

 _There was gunfire around me, our vehicle had been run off the main road by an IED. My men quickly had their rifles up, aiming, cautiously taking guard around our vehicles._

 _Another bomb blast and we lost one of the tanks in our convoy._

 _A missile screeched overhead, and I took cover, my rifle in my hand as I ordered Emmett and the two others to hit the ground._

There was a pounding. A very loud pounding noise that had made me bolt up out of bed. I was drenched in sweat and feeling groggy, almost as if I had just run a marathon and expended all my energy.

My throat was sore as I tried to swallow back the bitter taste in my mouth.

I had just swung my legs over the side of my bed, when Bella came running in, her face pale.

She said nothing as she flung herself in my arms and held me to her.

I didn't even realize it then, but when she pulled back was when I noticed I had tears rolling down my face.

"Edward, you okay?" she asked, as she pulled back to look at me, her soft hands on my face.

I didn't even know what to say or think, all I knew was that my heart was currently drumming its way out of my chest.

"I heard you screaming. And then I heard a crash. You scared the hell out of me, Edward!"

I looked around my room, and sure enough, the table next to my bed had been knocked over, the glass I had on it was shattered.

"Good thing you didn't lock the door. I had been pounding for minutes before I tried to open it. When you didn't come to the door, I decided to find a way in to you."

I couldn't say anything, I just grabbed her to me and held on. My head placed on her stomach as her hands went around my head as she played with my hair in an effort to calm me.

"Let me get you some water, and we can go watch a movie or something. Or we can do nothing at all, Edward. Just know that I'm here to talk when you're ready."

She bent down and kissed my cheek before leaving the room, returning a short time later with another glass of water and a broom and dustpan in her hands and arms.

Finally, after taking the water from her and gulping it down, I managed a measly "thank you". I grabbed her hand and squeezed again.

We cleaned up and then made our way out to my front room. My TV was the only source of light in the dark room. She sat down and patted the seat next to her, opening her arms to me.

It amazed me how she could offer so much comfort to a practical stranger, but I found I was glad that, for whatever reason, fate placed her right where I needed her the most.

I just hoped I could return the favor when the time came.

 **~.~**

 **You all still with me? Thoughts? Thank you for reading and reviewing. Truly makes my day. Next update for this should be Saturday. The last regular chapter of ADSP should be up Friday.**


	8. Chapter 8

**Can I just say that Littlelovely made my day with her shouty caps at the end of this chapter? Totally made it worth it. *laughs * I hope you all are having a great weekend!**

 **Thanks to Kyla713 and Littelovely for always putting up with me, looking things over.**

 **Enjoy.**

 **~.~**

 **Chapter 8-**

I woke again sometime later, with my head in Bella's lap. I didn't even remember falling asleep; I just remembered falling into her arms and watching TV. Bella didn't seem to mind the silence. She just kept her eyes on the television as she ran her fingers through my hair, calming me.

The afternoon light was blinding, causing me to blink a few times to adjust. When I did, I looked up and saw that Bella was still asleep, her chest falling up and down slowly, and her head was rested back on the cushion of the couch.

I got up from her lap slowly, careful not to wake her. Standing up, I looked down at her, taking in how peaceful she looked and how badly I wished I could get rid of those dark lines under her eyes. She never looked rested enough, but then again, neither did I.

With one last look at her, I covered her up and set about going to take a shower, grabbing fresh clothes and getting breakfast started. My shower was short, and I just dressed in some sweats and comfy t-shirt. I grabbed an extra pair in case Bella wanted to change, even though I knew her house was right next door.

I wanted her to be comfortable here.

I had just dried my hair and started the coffee maker when I heard her shuffle in.

"Afternoon, sleepyhead," I said, flashing her a smile.

"Why are you even awake? You should still be asleep," she replied, teasingly.

I chuckled, and grabbed eggs and bacon out of the fridge. Breakfast was certainly acceptable as a good lunch.

"It was bright and I wanted you to sleep a bit longer. You looked comfortable on my couch." I pulled a pan from a bottom cupboard and set it on the stove. "How do you take your eggs?"

"Scrambled, if you don't mind."

I nodded, and turned the stove top on. "Did you at least sleep good, Bella?"

She walked further into the kitchen and pulled up a stool, letting out a small yawn. "I did. Though, you passed out fairly fast once you laid your head on my shoulder. I moved you down to my lap once I started to get tired."

"I can't thank you enough for last night. How you came to me… offered me comfort. It means a lot to me," I told her, looking into her eyes, hoping she understood just how much that meant to me.

"It was nothing. I have a feeling you'd have done the same for me." She smiled. "Can I help at all?"

"I've got it. If you'd like, I grabbed you some clean clothes and you can shower if you want. I know your house is just next door, but it is the least I could offer in return right now."

She stood up and walked up to me, and suddenly grabbed me into a hug, laying her head on my chest. We stood there, for I couldn't say how long, before she pulled away.

"I honestly don't want to leave just yet, so if you don't mind, I think I'll take you up on that offer." Bella pulled her hair behind her ear, ducked her head shyly before she turned and walked away.

Cracking eggs into a bowl, I set out to finish our breakfast. I scrambled eggs, made toast, poured our juice and coffee. Just as I had placed it all down on the table, she came out, my sweatpants rolled up on her to fit, my t-shirt swimming on her, and hair wet.

She looked beautiful. Happy. Rested.

"I wasn't sure how you took your coffee, so cream and sugar is right there," I told her, pulling out a chair for her to sit down.

I soon followed her and sat down, my knee accidentally brushing against hers.

We ate in silence for a bit, when I took a sip of coffee and gathered up some courage.

"Bella?"

Her head shot up, and she forked some eggs into her mouth. "Hmm?"

"You don't have to answer, but why were you awake last night? Did I disturb your sleep, wake you with the crash?" I asked, feeling extremely sorry, if that was the case.

She took a sip of juice and swallowed, her eyes wandered back over to me. "I can't sleep, no matter how hard I try. It goes back to having to take care of my dad. I'd fall asleep back at his house and then bolt awake, afraid that if I shut my eyes, I wouldn't hear him if he called out for me, or if his machine would beep."

She said it so matter of factly, I reached out and grabbed her hand, holding it in mine.

"Machine?" I couldn't help the curiosity that was blooming in me, even though I felt bad that I was possibly opening wounds she wasn't ready to revisit. I knew I still held back when it came to telling her what happened last night, even though by then, I was sure she knew I was suffering from something, and not just grief.

"His oxygen machine. Sometimes the filter would sound, or the tube would catch and cause it sound an alarm. But also, we had alarms for each dose of meds. He needed around the clock pain medicine."

 _Oh, Bella._

The urge to pull her into my arms was strong. I wanted to offer up the same amount of comfort she gave me the night before. I pulled her chair closer to mine, catching her a bit off guard, and wrapped my arms around her, hugging her into me.

Silence filled the room again. I knew she was thinking of her dad, and I didn't want to disturb that, but I also didn't want make her talk about it anymore. It didn't seem fair when I hadn't offered up my own story just yet.

I suddenly felt selfish.

Eventually, we finished our breakfast, and I set about cleaning up. I told Bella to go and pick a movie, that we deserved a lazy day before the work week began again.

I had just placed the last plate into the dishwasher when she came in carrying a picture frame in her hands, her face pale.

"How did you know Jasper?"

My throat closed up, my hands shook and I slid down to the floor.

 **~.~**

 **Thoughts? Thank you for reading!**


	9. Chapter 9

**Another update, and a few more answers. We're slowly getting there. Edward is slowly working through things.**

 **Thank you to Kyla713 and littlelovely for always putting up with me and looking over my chapters.**

 **Enjoy!**

 **~.~**

 **Chapter 9-**

Bella's "how did you know Jasper?" echoed in my head as I sat on the floor. My knees were now up to my chest, my head pounding. I tried to answer, to form words, but nothing came out. Instead, I stared ahead, my vision cloudy as my mind was forced to remember.

 _I had just left Emmett's side and turned my face left, and I saw the rest of my men. Two more were lying on the ground, not moving at all. No movement signaling breath._

 _One was lying face down, I could see the blood seeping into the dirt beneath him. The other was face up, his skin already growing paler. Blood covered his chest, his camo was no longer green, but stained a deep red._

 _I tried to remember, when I yelled for everyone to take cover, if Jasper and Demetri heard me in time. They were the youngest in my company, just having been brought over for their second tour._

 _I felt extremely responsible for them, and at that moment, I felt myself wishing that it was me instead of them._

 _They had so much life left to live still._

 _I crawled over to the closest Humvee, hoping that I'd be able to at least get their bodies recovered and in the vehicle._

 _I pulled Jasper up into it first, struggling more with carrying Demetri up into it the vehicle. Two of my men, after no more shots or missiles flew, came over to help me._

 _It would be hours later that I'd realize I was hit, too, in the right shoulder and left leg. I didn't even feel it; I was so focused on my men, getting to them, making sure they were safe._

 _Even if I couldn't actually save them._

My vision returned a bit, and I noticed that Bella was now crouched down in front of me, worry clear on her face.

"Breathe, Edward. In and out. Slowly. Focus on my breaths." Her voice sounded soothing, and I tried to focus, but my mind still felt like a jumbled mess of emotions and memories.

"You were his commanding officer, weren't you? You're a Marine?" she asked, and I tried to nod.

"Okay. Calm down. Just breathe with me, Edward. In and out," Bella told me again, placing my hand on her chest, so that I could focus on her heartbeat and breaths.

No one, for the past five years, had ever pulled me out of my head like she did.

I breathed in and out slowly, my eyes focusing on her face. She sat down on her knees in front of me, eyes closed and breathing in and out, helping me to focus.

"Good, Edward. Just relax." Her voice was still calming, and I felt myself slowly relaxing, coming out of the panic attack that was gripping me tightly.

"Good. Do you wanna stand up with me? Go to the couch?"

I shook my head no. All I wanted to do was just sit there, not move for a while. My mind was still feeling like a jumbled mess.

Inhaling, I closed my eyes and pulled her towards me, needing her near me. I wasn't sure why I needed that, but I wasn't going to question it.

All I did know was that she made me happy when she was near, so I was going to try and cling to that feeling.

It took a while, but finally I was able to bring up my voice. "How...I know- I know I owe you some answers, but can that wait? Just a little longer?" My voice sounded gravely, as if I had just woken up.

"Sure. You don't owe me anything. I'm just glad you're okay." She laid her head on my shoulder since she was now sitting next to me and wrapped her arm around mine, squeezing gently.

We were quiet for a bit longer before she broke in without any prompt from me.

"Jasper...He was my best friends' husband. They had just gotten married shortly before he was called up for his second tour of duty."

I closed my eyes and breathed again. I allowed his life to be cut short, and he had a wife...family to return to.

"Though, we all sort of grew up together back in Forks. His decision to join the military was a shock to us all, but when I look back at it, not really. He was obsessed with history and all things military. I think in a way, him joining the Marines was his calling," she told me, her voice soft and quiet.

"But you never thought you'd have to say goodbye," I choked out.

"No. We knew in the back of our minds it was a possibility, but no. We never thought we'd lose him." I heard her sniffle, and I could see her wipe a tear away out of the corner of my eye.

"You'll never know how truly sorry I am." I slammed a fist down onto my right leg in frustration and anger. "I'd give anything for him to still be here."

I felt like I should say more, but I was so spent. She had always been more forthcoming and shared more than I did.

"War is war, Edward. You did what you could."

That statement didn't sit well with me. Even five years on, I still struggled with the what if's, that not everything, not every choice during war could be blamed on it just being war. We all played a part.

If I had chosen to do the mission another day, taken another route...just anything, maybe his wife would still have him, and Bella would still have her friend.

"I feel like I don't belong here. I had no one besides my parents waiting for me. Jasper, Emmett and Demetri all had so much life left to live and I...I just..."

I broke down then, finally allowing sobs to just spill out from somewhere deep in my chest. Bella just held me, quiet and strong.

So strong. She was stronger than me, it seemed.

Some time passed and I was all cried out. I found that I didn't feel better, just a tad bit more free from my past.

Bella stood up, grabbing my hand and pulling me up with her.

"We still have a movie to watch, and I know just the one we need, but I need to go over to my place to get it."

I felt childish in not wanting her to leave, but I just nodded and pointed to the couch, indicating I'd be there waiting.

Turning on the TV, I sat down and waited. I noticed that it had been awhile, longer than what it would take to get a movie and come back, so I decided to go over and check on her.

I had just opened my door when I saw Bella on her porch with a short woman, with dark spikey hair. They looked like they had been arguing about something, but once Bella looked over at me and smiled, her friend followed her lead.

I recognized her instantly. Though, she looked a tad more grown into her features than she did five years before. The only way I knew her was through photographs Jasper had shown me back at our bunker a time or two thousand.

"Alice, this is Edward. You may know him from Jasper's letters as his commanding officer," Bella said, her voice filled with emotion.

Trying not to let myself fall into another panic attack, I tried to focus on the moment. Before I could utter a single word, Alice walked over to my porch and pulled me into a fierce hug, tears soaking into my shirt.

Bella looking at me gave me the strength I needed to wrap my arms around my fallen brother's wife, and finally allowing myself to come to terms with at least one thing in this mess of a life.

 **~.~**

 **Thank you for reading.**


	10. Chapter 10

**I am completely amazed at how much you guys like this story so far. We're still on a bit of a roller coaster, but things are slowly looking up. Baby steps.**

 **Thank you to Kyla713 and Packy for looking this over and putting up with me.**

 **I'll just leave you guys to it.**

 **~.~**

 **Chapter 10-**

What does one say to the spouse left behind? That question kept popping up in my head the longer Alice hung on to me as her sobs slammed into me, her tears seeping through my shirt.

 _Oh, hey, sorry I couldn't make it to the funeral, I wasn't strong enough?_

 _I'm sorry that I didn't see the first missile soon enough?_

 _Sorry that it wasn't me instead?_

I squeezed Alice one last time and gently pulled her from me. A million words bubbled up from inside me, but none of them reached my mouth.

Alice wiped her tears away and looked just about as lost as I did, but it was Bella who finally cut in through the thick shroud of sadness that had encroached us.

"I texted her while you made breakfast. I hope you don't mind. It was hard not to piece it together when I saw the picture."

I wasn't ready to verbalize anything, so instead, I nodded my head and held Alice's hand in mine and squeezed, hoping she'd somehow understand.

"I knew, knowing Alice, that she wouldn't want you thinking that it was your fault." Bella then walked over towards us, wrapped an arm around Alice, and then grabbed my other free hand. "Why don't we go inside my house and talk? I'll make some tea and bring out some cookies."

Bella held open her front door, and I followed Alice inside, suddenly feeling like I could bolt at any moment. Because, up until that point, I had no intention of ever facing it. I was too afraid of the reaction, and now, how I would handle it?

Alice was quiet, still wiping at her eyes as she sat down on Bella's couch. My eyes searched for another place to sit. Instead, Alice made my choice for me when she suddenly grabbed my hand and had me sit down next to her.

The silence felt suffocating. I felt like I should be saying or doing something.

I had nothing to offer—I could only feel the need to go to my house, lock my doors and somehow try not to let it all consume me. The guilt was already pecking small pieces of me away the longer I sat next to Jasper's widow.

 _His widow._

 _Fuck!_

Bella came in shortly after, carrying a tray holding tea and other snacks, not just cookies. She set it down on the table, and her eyes wandered over to me. "You okay, Edward?"

I replied with a croaked out yes as she sat down and filled our tea cups. I usually wasn't one for tea, but I was finding that since Bella made it that first time, it was winning me over.

"I know that you were probably not at all ready to confront this, much less meet her, but I thought it would be good for both of you," Bella told us before she took a sip of her tea, her voice calming.

"I'll be honest...I'm ready to bolt," I replied, finding myself opening up when I didn't expect myself to, but I guessed my honesty would be better in the long run.

Bella nodded, as if expecting that to be my answer. Her eyes then looked over to Alice and a warm smile formed, as she handed her friend the platter of cookies.

 _I feel so out of place here._

"Alice, I know this wasn't how you expected your day to go. For that, I do apologize, but like I said, I think this will turn out to be a good thing in the long run."

"I do, too, Bella. I have a good feeling about this, even if I want to cry until I can no longer breathe."

She shocked me then, by grabbing my hand again and squeezing.

I tried not to drown further into my own thoughts, to find a safe escape as my heartbeat felt like it was reaching its crescendo. Not to mention, I felt like it was suddenly a million degrees, and my hands shook.

Soon, Bella was crouched down again in front of me, her hands on my knees. "You're okay, Edward. Remember how we breathed last time? In slowly, as deep as we can, and then slowly out, counting to ten. Can you do that for me?"

I did as she said a few times, slowly growing calmer with each inhale and exhale. I hated that I couldn't just function like a normal human being.

"I'm sorry," I squeaked out, as I turned my head toward Alice, and then looked down at the floor.

"Nothing to be sorry for, Edward. Would you like a cookie? I know for a fact that Bella's oatmeal chocolate and butterscotch chip cookies are the best, and can pretty much melt away most bad feelings," Alice said, trying to alleviate the harshness of the moment.

Reaching out, I grabbed a cookie and instantly bit into it. I remembered those cookies from the package Bella left on my porch. My eyes closed as I hummed at how delicious they were.

"I'll make you a dozen batches, Edward, if they make you smile like that again," Bella's voice came through, and I snapped my eyes open.

"You're on! These are so fucking good!" My eyes bugged out for a second before I looked over at Alice. "Ma'am, excuse my errr... yeah."

Alice laughed, patted my hand, and said, "Puh-lease! Jasper said way worse in front of my parents. In fact, I think Bella's dad threatened to fine him once."

Bella nodded her head, covered her mouth, and laughed. "Yup! Charlie tried to say there was a fine, in case little kids were around. I'm sure he would've found something to fine Jasper with, since he was the chief and all."

As the reminisced about their shared memory, I sat back and chewed on my cookie, wondering how they could just talk about the people they lost and not feel an overwhelming sense of sadness. How they could just go on?

Alice then turned to me, took a sip of her tea before setting it down. "Would you mind if I saw that picture you have of Jasper?"

I breathed in and out slowly before nodding, and got up off the couch. "Be right back."

I entered my house and zeroed in on the picture laying by my kitchen sink and grabbed it. I was hit with the memory of the day it was shot. We were all outside after coming in from our latest patrol and one of the guys mentioned Jasper needed to send some new pictures home. I found myself being pulled into one. I remember laughing and joking, trying to make some excuse that they didn't need me in it. But Jasper just said, "Edward, man, you're practically family. Get in here now."

Shaking my head, I turned back around and made my way back to Bella's house. Once in, I sat back down and handed the picture to Alice. Her eyes never left the picture frame. A lone finger came up and ran across Jasper as she smiled.

"He used to write home about his commanding officer. He was proud to call you that. Said he looked up to you as a friend and brother, and knew when push came to shove, you'd always have his back." Her voice shook as she tried to hold back tears. "He told me how you guys would have poker nights, and how I needed to send over about five pounds of licorice since he lost and you all played for candy anyway."

This time, I finally allowed myself to laugh. "Yeah. I still prefer red licorice. Though, Jasper got more than enough butterfingers out of all us. I'm surprised he didn't have more damn cavities."

Just then, I got it. I got why it was so easy for Bella to talk about her dad, and Alice to talk about Jasper. It felt good to talk about them, and remember. I had never allowed myself to give in those feelings whenever I thought of them, but I guessed that happy memories had a way of easing mountains of hurt.

Alice shifted and nervously fidgeted. "Butterfingers were his fave. Though, get him a bag of Swedish fish, and you wouldn't get one of em. He refused to share those. He had the worst sweet tooth." Alice shook her head and sat the picture down in her lap. "I'm glad I got to meet you today, Edward."

"I'm glad, too. Though, I'll be honest, I'm still scared," I replied, my hands nervously clutching at my pants.

"Why?" she asked, tilting her head.

"Because, I'm afraid that you hate me. I'm afraid Demetri's family holds it against me, same with Emmett's," I said, my voice growing quieter as I finally voiced my thoughts and fears. "I know sorry isn't enough for any of you, Alice. And I know that you deserve more than just an apology. You shouldn't even need an apology, because if I hadn't made the choices I did, you would still have your Jasper. The other families would still have their guys."

Alice moved her body to angle toward mine as she shook her head, fresh tears now rolling down her cheeks. "Edward...I know that you're sorry. You've been punishing yourself for so long. I never blamed you. If anything, I could blame Jasper for choosing to enlist, but deep down, I also know that this is all a part of life. That we, as humans, can't choose when we die. That's up to fate. But what we can do, we can lift up their memory and live our lives how they'd want us to. They wouldn't want this for you, Edward. And I know that Jasper wouldn't even blame you." Alice went quiet for a few minutes as she stared down at the picture. "Repeat after me, Edward. You did what you could."

My voice didn't sound like my own as I repeated after her and tried to believe the words I was uttering. Maybe eventually I'd believe it.

I finished off the rest of my tea, feeling completely drained emotionally.

"I'm sorry I never showed for his funeral," I told Alice, voicing another thing that had driven guilt's spikes into me.

"We never expected you to, Edward. You'd been injured, and it took even your commanding officer to get you to finally get treated. You could've lost both your arm and leg due to the damage."

I silently wondered how she knew the extent.

"Your commanding officer told us, even though legally, he couldn't. We knew they had to move you to the military hospital in Germany. Jasper and the rest of the guys would've understood. Hell, you stood in that waiting room in Iraq, waiting on your other men who were injured and survived, almost bleeding out before you let anyone touch you and take you in for treatment. It took you passing out to finally allow your commanding officer to escort you back. So, don't you even feel guilty of not making it. You'll say your true goodbyes in your own time, in your own way." Alice then stood up, grabbed her purse. "I want to talk to you more, but I think I've reached my limit, which I'm sure you understand. Bella has my number. Please, and I mean this, Edward—don't hesitate to call."

Alice smiled, said goodbye to Bella, and walked out.

I sat back in Bella's couch and closed my eyes, when I felt it shift as Bella sat down.

"How you doing?"

I let out a sigh and rubbed my hands over my face. "About as good as I can be. But I feel like I've been put through the ringer."

"I'm not surprised," Bella told me, grabbing my hand and placing it in hers.

"Why is this so easy for you?" I asked, my eyes on her face.

"Before my dad passed, I used to be a grief counselor," Bella explained. "It helped me in some ways after he passed, but I think my background is going to help you way more."

I wasn't sure what to think. I didn't want to be some case to her, or her having pity on me.

"I think it will be good for both of us. And Edward? Has anyone told you how good you look when you smile?" Bella winked, and laughed softly.

"Thank you, Bella."

"Now, about that movie..." Bella stood up and grabbed the movie. "Your TV is bigger than mine."

I laughed, grabbed her hand, and led her to my house. As I walked in, it didn't feel so dark.

 **~.~**

 **Thoughts? How are we all doing?**

 **Thank you for reading!**


	11. Chapter 11

**So, a few of you were mad at Bella, and how she handled Alice and Edward. She had her reasons. Which probably were not the best. Edward...Well, I'll just let you see how he handles the aftermath.**

 **Thank you to Kyla713 and Packy for looking things over and being in my doc. I made Kyla713 go over this chapter way too many times. I kept adding things.**

 **I'll just leave you to it.**

 **~.~**

 **Chapter 11-**

Once our movie ended, we said goodnight and I walked Bella to the door. After I closed it behind her, I stood there, my back up against it. I had a crushing weight that was bearing down on me like never before. It seemed heavier, but maybe I had become so used to the negative feelings, I didn't register their weight anymore.

Whatever it was, I felt like it was going to pull me down and not let me back up again.

I went to step away from the door, but then I had the urge to lock it. I turned the deadbolt, and even put the chain lock on.

The black hole of feeling was sucking me back in and I didn't want anyone to find me, see me. Not even Bella.

Slowly, each step I took away from the door, felt like I was carrying fifty pounds on my back, but I made it to the couch. I slumped down, covered my eyes, and sighed.

 _Grief counselor._

Knowing that she was a grief counselor—was I some case to her? Did she see me as some forty-five-year-old, ex-marine, who couldn't function and therefore felt sorry for me?

I didn't want to be a case to her. I didn't want anyone to have pity on me.

I just wanted to try to live, enjoy the moments.

My mind then replayed the whole interaction with Alice. It was nice to know she held nothing against me, that she didn't blame me. I felt better in knowing that, but at the same time, I wasn't ready to know it. Even though, deep down, I knew that in order to properly grieve, I needed to know that his family didn't blame me.

I was slowly letting go of the hold that I had on blaming myself. It was falling from me piece by piece.

The urge to bolt when I saw her face, viewing the sadness and grief in her eyes, was strong, but my feet stayed there, unsure whether to stay or go. A part of me told me I should talk to her, but another part kept nagging at me that I should run, go hide. Ignore the world. That I could deal with it another day.

Except, therein lay the problem. I wouldn't deal with it. Hell, if I hadn't dealt with it in five years, there was no chance I'd try and heal that divide.

So, in a way, I was thankful for Bella pushing that on me. That maybe I did need to just confront Jasper's death that way and properly grieve my fallen brother.

The thought of calling Alice and asking her where her husband was buried popped up in my head. I had the urge to at least see that, to see his gravestone and maybe hopefully say my goodbyes and somehow find forgiveness.

Shaking my head, I clenched my eyes shut and shook my head. I wasn't so sure that I was strong enough to even make that phone call, much less go and see it. Would Alice even want me to do that?

Sometime around midnight, after staring at the walls and drowning in silence, I decided to get up and go to bed. I wasn't even sure where the last few hours went. I was so consumed by thoughts, I found that I didn't care about the passing time.

Once in my bed, I tossed and turned, never finding a comfortable way to be. Instead, memories plagued me. I thought about Demetri and Emmett. I wondered if their families would be as forgiving and understanding as Alice. I wasn't so sure that they would be.

Though I knew, based on the last message from Emmett's parents, that they didn't blame me, I couldn't help but wonder if they were just saying that to placate me. Maybe they hated me deep down.

Eventually, my eyes closed and my body finally allowed sleep.

" _Edward, come on, man. Let the docs look at you. The bleeding hasn't stopped," one of my privates said, looking over at my CO._

 _I shook my head. "I'm fine. It's not that bad."_

 _I knew it was much worse than I was playing it off as, but I didn't want to move. Not until I heard about my men and knew they were okay._

 _My CO walked over to me, his hand on my uninjured shoulder. "If you don't go and get looked at, I'll write you up. And I don't want to have to do that. The only reason they haven't slammed your ass down on a gurney is that they know you're grieving. But no more. Your men are being looked over, now go. That's an order."_

 _I sighed and walked over to the double doors. I was immediately placed on a cold gurney, hooked up to monitors, my clothes removed._

 _Turning my head, I noticed the wound in my shoulder, and then it registered that I couldn't lift it, and most of it was numb. I knew I was most likely dealing with shock of everything; the reason why there was no pain."_

 _The nurse that was nearest to my head told me to not look down. That the wound in my leg was a lot worse. She pushed some meds into my IV and my vision grew blurry._

 _The heavenly release of pain meds._

" _Sir, we're taking x-rays, and most likely going to take you for a scan as well. But this leg, I'm almost sure, is broken. You were limping pretty damn bad."_

 _I tried to focus on the sounds the heart monitor was making, trying to push everything out, fight the pain meds to not sleep._

 _They took me to x-ray and CT, where they found I would definitely need surgery on my right shoulder. It was pretty much shattered, and a major nerve most likely severed, hence why I couldn't lift it more than a few inches and there was numbness. My leg was another story. The shrapnel sliced it open, cutting into a major artery, causing a break._

 _When they set it, no matter how much pain meds they gave me, I screamed. I was ashamed that I'd screamed. The pain felt real and raw._

 _I blacked out._

I woke up and bolted out of bed. My breath was coming hard and fast. I must've been yelling or screaming, because my throat felt just as raw. Sweat covered my body, so I quickly stripped and put on a new shirt and boxers with shaky hands.

I felt unusually angry. I couldn't pinpoint exactly why I felt the urge to just tear everything apart, bit by bit, piece by piece.

Ever since I was discharged, I tried to keep a tight grip on my control. I didn't want anyone coming in and meddling with the grip I had on at least keeping my life together somewhat. And then Bella comes in, making me open my eyes, realize that I can't live in that cycle much longer. Yet at the same time, forcing me to confront my grief, guilt, head on, and I wasn't ready for that yet. That tight hold that I had quickly began to unravel.

Now, I felt like I couldn't pick up the pieces. Even though, I felt good after meeting Alice, talking about Jasper, realizing that they didn't blame me, how Bella handled it had me angry, even.

A warning would've been nice.

But again, I probably would've never truly confronted it had she not stepped in.

I grabbed the nearest thing I set eyes on, and threw my water glass at my wall. Next, I blindly just grabbed for anything and everything and threw it, not at all caring where it landed, or the damage it did. My dresser crashed down to the floor, and soon, one of my bed side tables followed.

My hands landed on a picture framed on a shelf next to where my dresser used to stand. I grabbed it, and for a moment, I had the urge to throw it just like the rest of the things that had landed on the floor. Quickly though, I snapped out of it. My fallen brother's faces stared back at me, their smiles, and hang loose hand gestures.

My eyes wandered over to my clock where the numbers showed in a bright green light that it was just a quarter passed two in the morning. I tugged at my hair, when I heard a loud pounding at my front door.

"Edward! Open up." I heard Bella yell. She pounded on my door again. "Please!"

My hand was on the deadbolt, ready to unlock it. Instead, I shook my head, pulled my hand away and sat down with my back against the door.

"Bella, just go back to bed!" I yelled. I just didn't want to deal with her right now. I was afraid if I did, if she saw me like this, I'd lose it on her.

I heard a thump, which I guessed was her first hitting the door one more time.

"I'm okay. Bad dream," I told her.

"Bullshit, Edward. I heard you."

I wanted to laugh at her curse, but found that I couldn't, instead I glared at the door like she could see me through it… Why couldn't she just go? I wasn't worth the worry.

Another thump, that time heavier, sounded against my door. Almost as if she'd just assumed the position, like I was on the other side of door.

"I'm not leaving until you let me in and I can see that you're okay." Bella's voice didn't sound so angry, just resigned. Almost as if she knew she wasn't going to get her way.

I let my head fall back against the door and closed my eyes. "I'm fine. Don't worry about me." I felt the fight draining out of me. My rage earlier had taken a lot more out of me than I had thought. It was easier to just try and ignore.

"Edward, is this about earlier? I'm sorry, I'm really sorry if it was too soon. I just..." A thump sounded again before she continued. "I just thought that maybe it would get you out of the endless cycle of blame, hurt and grief you seemed to be trapped in."

I said nothing, just continued to hold my head against the door, eyes closed as I tried not to yell at her again.

"I can see now that maybe I should've told you more, and for that, I am truly sorry. Even more sorry if what I did today brought on your attack tonight." She sounded remorseful, but I just wanted her to go, to let me be for a little bit.

A few minutes of silence passed before I felt something being shoved underneath the door and hitting my hand that was down by my side. I grabbed it and picked it up.

It was a blank business card, with just a name and number written on it.

 **Eleazar Martinez**

 **(206) 555-5555**

"Look, Edward, if you're not going to talk to me, at least call him. Please," she pleaded, and I listened as it sounded like she had just slid up the door to stand up. "He specializes in PTSD. Specifically, he cares for Vets. That is his number at the VA. He was also a friend of my dad's. I'll let him know that you might call, just in case. But please call him."

Once her footsteps began to sound farther and farther away, I exhaled out long and slow. I felt guilty for not thanking her, and bad for not letting her in to see me. I'd come to see her as a friend, and here I was, shutting her out.

Falling back to sleep wasn't going to happen, so when six came, I called into work. I gave some bogus excuse of having a headache and throwing up. I'd never called in before, but I didn't want to leave my house.

I just wanted to sleep. I felt like I could sleep for months.

The card was in my pocket, prodding at me to call the number. That it couldn't do any harm to just call.

I paced for a long time as I pulled the card out of my pocket, stared at it, and put it back.

Feeling so out of my own skin, I finally forced myself to sit down on my couch, and try to relax.

I didn't know what time it was when I grabbed the phone, but every number I pushed felt like it took forever.

When I listened to it ring, I felt like I had just jumped over one of my biggest hurdles yet as the person on the other line answered.

 **~.~**

 **Thoughts?**

 **Thank you for reading!**


	12. Chapter 12

**Hope you all had a good weekend. Was a slow, very rainy weekend here. Typical for Washington State, I suppose. *laughs * Anyway, I bet you all just want to get to the update, so I'll just...**

 **Thanks to Kyla713 and Packy for forever putting up with me and looking this over.**

 **So, yeah. Enjoy.**

 **~.~**

 **Chapter 12-**

The urge to quickly hang up was strong the moment the voice came through on the line. It was a deep voice, slightly scratchy, almost as if he had smoked for decades. My mind stalled, and out of reflex, I uttered a "hello" back.

 _Just hang up, Edward. You're not ready for this. Just call in to work and lay low. Just hang up._

"How can I help you?" the voice uttered.

"I, um...is this Eleazar Martinez?" I asked, my voice higher than usual out of absolute nervousness, due to being scared out of my damn mind.

"Sorry, you just missed him. This is Aro Constantine. I work alongside him. I'd be happy to take a message or number?"

 _Told you it'd just be better to hang up._

I closed my eyes, clenched them tightly and sighed. "My name is Edward Cullen. I was given his number by a Bella Swan."

"Ah! I haven't seen that darling girl since her dad passed. She's a sweetheart. Tell you what, Eleazar should be in the office an hour. So, expect a call about then. Your number?"

I rattled off my number, feeling like I was going to regret even giving it to the man, and we hung up. I then called into work and said I couldn't make it in again. To be honest, I was expecting to be fired, even though I had never taken more than one day off in the last almost five years I had worked there.

Nervously, I ran my hand through my hair, set the phone down and tried to focus on my breathing. I had the thought that maybe I should go next door and apologize to Bella, but I didn't feel like it was all on me, even if she had apologized earlier. I did feel bad for shutting her out, but on the other hand, I felt like I needed to just take a break, to be by myself.

Remembering that my room was a mess, I grabbed the phone and began walking back to take care of it. I was oddly surprised at the damage I'd caused. I didn't think I had thrown that much around. I didn't even remember much, only grabbing my dresser and pushing it over.

The dresser was the first thing I righted. I grabbed a clean t-shirt and baggy sweat pants, and put them on. I then slid the phone in my pants pockets and began to pick up all the things around my room. The last thing I picked up was the picture frame. It wasn't broken, surprisingly. I placed it on the table by my bed, walked out, and shut the door behind me.

Once in the kitchen, I went about making a quick breakfast. Coffee and toast. My eyes wandered to the microwave clock that was in front of me as I waited on my food and drink. The bright green numbers mocked me. It had only been forty minutes since the phone call.

As I ate my breakfast, the urge to let the call go straight to voicemail plagued my mind. I wanted to do it so badly, but the other side of my brain kept saying that doing it would be a bad idea.

I found it wasn't so easy being brave when it outright impacted me. I could go into a war zone, do patrols, fire guns, and I felt completely at ease, knowing that my actions were likely fixing things, getting rid of bad guys in power. But when it was just me, and making that phone call, I felt like it was tearing me apart.

It was hard to accept that this phone call could lead me on a path of good and betterment in my life.

When the phone rang, I almost jumped out of my own skin. My heart pounded and I immediately broke out in a sweat. With shaking hands, I pulled the phone out of my pocket, pushed and nervously said "hello".

"Mr. Cullen?" a deep, smooth voice said. "This is Eleazar Martinez. Sorry I missed your call."

I gulped and silently pulled a chair out from my table and sat down. "Thank you for calling back, sir."

"I'm not 'sir' to you, Edward. Just call me Eleazar." He chuckled. "So, you're the one Ms. Swan called me about last night?"

 _Last night? When did she had the chance?_

"That would be me. I'm...uhh...not at all sure what she told you about me." My voice shook and I slammed my fist down on my leg.

"Not too much. Just that you were her neighbor and seem to be having a few problems. She said she suspected that you're ex-military," Eleazar replied, and I could hear a pen scratching against paper. I must have been on speaker phone. "She also told me she highly suspects you suffer from PTSD."

My breaths came quicker. It felt strange to have someone else say it, to confirm that I suffered from something I knew many of my brothers most likely dealt with, but never once thought I'd ever find myself in its grips.

I fell quiet, not at all sure what to say, but I had a strong suspicion that Eleazar knew I couldn't or wouldn't say much.

"Why don't you come in later this afternoon and meet me face to face. That way, you can gauge if you want to take up working with me. This is all in your control. It is all up to you. I can't, nor will I, force you to accept the help I can give you. I will tell you, just the fact that you reached out is a huge step."

I dumbly nodded my head as if he could see it. "I...I think I can do that."

"I'm glad to hear that, Edward. How does two sound?" he asked, and I heard papers shuffling. "I can even do later if you'd like."

My whole body now felt like it was shaking as I clutched the phone in my hand, "I can do two."

"Great. You know where the VA is? My office is on the second floor. Just take a left when you get off the elevator and you'll see it," he told me, and I had the urge to tell him to forget it, but I didn't.

"Thank you." We then said goodbye and hung up.

I tried not to fret and focus on something that would get my mind on to other things, but nothing was helping.

So I decided on a hot as hell shower. I let the hot water cascade down on me until the water ran cold. I got out and dressed in clothes more presentable than the former t-shirt and sweats.

I still had two hours to spare, which wasn't helping the anxiety that was slowly building up inside me.

A knock at my door sounded, and my head shot up. I knew it had to be Bella, and I wasn't even sure I could deal with anything else today on top of meeting Eleazar.

I walked to the door and opened it. No one was standing there, but on my steps was a container and a note. I picked it up and brought it inside, instantly smelling Bella's oatmeal chocolate butterscotch chip cookies and feeling guilt lash through me.

On the note was her beautiful script that took over the purple colored paper.

 **Edward-**

 **I'm proud of you.**

 **Bella.**

Pulling a cookie out, I took a bite and closed my eyes. There was some sort of magic in those cookies she made. They always somehow made me feel warmer inside, as weird as that sounded. Like I was getting a slice of her with each cookie.

I finished the current cookie, and tried to tell myself no more, but slipped another in my mouth as I began to walk out of the kitchen and to the front door with the intent on thanking and apologizing to Bella.

I took a deep breath in and slowly exhaled as I brought my fist up to knock on her door, but before I could knock, the door opened.

She looked as if she hadn't slept, and was still in her clothes from the day before. She stood in the open doorway, her hand on the handle.

"I just wanted to thank you...for well, everything. And to say I'm sorry."

She nodded and looked like she was about to cry, when I took her hand in mine and squeezed.

"Also, you should know you put some sort of magic in those cookies. I don't know what it is, but they make me feel good. "

She smiled and laughed. "That makes me happy, Edward."

I sighed, and rubbed my unoccupied hand up and on the back of my neck and squeezed it nervously. "I really am sorry, though. Deep down, I knew you just wanted to help, but it was all just-"

She let go of my hand and stepped forward, and brazenly hugged me, holding onto me tightly. "You don't even have to explain. I understand. I did push more than I should have. And I know better than that. I'll be more careful from now on."

My arms wrapped around her and I squeezed back. "Do you have any plans?" I asked, hoping she wouldn't mind the favor I was about to ask.

She shook her head no, just that she was sending off the work she completed to her boss. I wasn't even sure what she did now, but I figured I'd ask her later.

"Well, I was wondering if you'd take me to see Eleazar. My appointment is at two and I don't think I will be in a good state to drive. I'm already feel like I'm falling apart."

"Of course, Edward. Why don't you come in and I'll get ready?"

The ride to the VA was beyond nerve-wracking. I couldn't stop bouncing my leg or biting my nails as Bella drove. When we reached our destination, I had to count to ten before I stepped out of the car. Walking up inside was a different matter. I most likely wouldn't have made it into the building if had come alone.

Before we stepped into the elevator, Bella turned to me and gave me an encouraging smile. "Ready?" she asked as we both stepped into the empty elevator.

I was so far from ready, but I put one foot in front of the other and somehow made it to Eleazar's office.

 **~.~**

 **Thoughts? Thank you for reading!**


	13. Chapter 13

**Today has been so long! I just had three parent teacher conferences back to back, and not enough coffee. Though, all good reports. Hope you all are having a much better, relaxing day.**

 **Thanks to Kyla713. I'm seriously surprised she's still one of my friends after how much I actually bug her. She must really love me. *laughs * Thanks to Packy as well.**

 **Hope you guys enjoy.**

 **~.~**

 **Chapter 13-**

As I walked into Eleazar's office, Bella squeezed my hand in reassurance, and my eyes took in the room. There were plaques on the walls, a flag and various pictures. It didn't give off a typical doctor's office feel. I oddly felt comfortable as I walked in.

"Bella!" I heard called from the right of me, and I was met by a tall man, black hair, brown eyes, and tan. His suit was gray and blue, and his tie, funnily enough, had Marvel characters on it.

"Eleazar!" Bella replied and dropped my hand as she walked up to Eleazar to hug him. "Nice to see you."

"No more hiding away now, sweetheart," he smiled down at her and stepped back. "I think you might have shrunk an inch since I last saw you," he told her and laughed.

Bella glared at him, and I thought she even stomped her foot. "You always gave me crap for being short. I'm not that short, and if you must know, I only look shorter because my hair is longer."

Eleazar threw his head back and let out a raucous laugh. "Sure, Bella."

I stood frozen in my spot as I watched the exchange between the two, wondering if they continued, maybe I could somehow sneak away and no one would notice.

My plan was foiled when Eleazar's head turned and he outstretched his hand. "Hello, Edward."

We shook hands, and my throat felt instantly dry. "Hello," I rasped out.

Bella walked toward me and grabbed my hand again, instantly making me feel calmer.

"How about we get to know each other, and then we can go from there. Sound good, Edward?" Eleazar asked, his eyes going from me to Bella. "If you'd like, Bella, you can go on into Aro's office. He's not there, but he has a TV in there and some books I'm sure you'd love to look at."

Bella nodded, gave my arm a squeeze as she looked up at me. "You'll be okay. I'll just be in the other room. You need me, I'll be right there." She stood up on her toes and kissed my cheek before walking away.

Eleazar began walking down the same hall Bella had, so I followed him, turning left into a room right after him.

"Can I get you anything? Water? Coffee?" he inquired as he looked down at his desk, shuffling files and papers around.

"I think I'm okay," I replied, my hands nervously shaking.

"Why don't you take a seat and get comfortable? We're not gonna be too formal today. I think we will take this slowly at first."

I nodded, gulped and sat down. My hands came to my knees as I looked forward at Eleazar. He smiled and grabbed a pen, lightly scratching something on the paper.

"Why don't I start by telling you a little about me?" He looked at me, eyebrows raised, and a calming smile on his face.

I nodded again, my throat and mouth didn't want to cooperate.

"All right, then. I won't tell you my life story, since I'm pretty sure you want to stay awake and not be bored." He chuckled, and then continued. "Well, I'm from Southern California. My mom was a single mother, so times were touch and go growing up. The minute I turned eighteen, I figured if I joined the Marines, I could help her and our country at the same time. Now, seeing as I'm old as all hell, I enlisted around the time of Vietnam. I could've been patient, waited to be drafted, but I went ahead, did my duty."

I looked at Eleazar, my eyes fully taking him in, and he honestly didn't look that old to me. I wouldn't have pegged him for a Vietnam vet.

Eleazar then took a drink of his coffee, sighed, and went back to talking. "It was brutal over there. So many lives lost. I lost a lot of friends, and eventually, I became numb to it all, until I came home. Once I was discharged, I moved back in with my mom. I didn't sleep for more than a few hours a night for months. I'd wake up screaming, drenched in sweat, calling out my buddy's names." He took another sip, and then looked at me. "One night, my mom came in to try and calm me down..." Looking away, he shook his head, then his eyes came back to mine. "I punched her, pushed her away, causing her to break an arm and a hip. That was my wake-up call that none of it was normal. That others around me shouldn't have to suffer because I was suffering."

I nodded my head. "I can understand that, sir."

"Eleazar, Edward. Eleazar." he told me and smiled. "Anyway, three years of therapy, certain meds, got me stable enough to leave my mom's house and attend university. I was thirty by then. But I delved into university and became a psychologist, and I most care for people who are dealing with the same things that I once was. I won't lie. I won't tell you I still don't have my moments, because I do. Hell, I still wake up my wife every now and again with yelling in my sleep. I can still smell the scent of bombs, and still dream of gunfire. It never truly goes away. That said, you aren't alone."

I felt bad for focusing on one thing, but I couldn't help it. "I hope you don't mind my asking, but you were able to live with someone else, get married?"

"This isn't a terminal disease, Edward. You can and will get better. Just because you lived through hellish things, doesn't mean you don't deserve to be happy. You'll get yourself there, in time. And I have a sense that Bella, out there, just might be what helps you reach that goal."

I wanted to tell him that we were just friends, that nothing could come of it, but I remained silent. I secretly wanted something to come of it, but I wanted to be better for her first.

"Are you sure I can't get you a drink?" Eleazar asked. "If you prefer, I even have tea. Though, I'd have to steal that from Aro. How he drinks that stuff, I'll never know."

For the first time in the visit, I laughed. "I never drank tea until Bella."

Eleazar let out a laugh as well. "She always did have that way about her. She used to make her dad his favorite cookies. These oatmeal chocolate chip butterscotch ones. He'd tell her they were heaven. He ate those up until his last breath."

Instantly, I had the urge to run out of the room to go and grab Bella, wrap her up in my arms. "I've had the pleasure of tasting them. I think I'd agree with her dad."

"So would I."

The room went silent for a bit before I finally talked again. "If you wouldn't mind, I'll take a water. But before we continue, would you mind if I check on Bella, just see how she is?"

"Of course, I'll be right here," Eleazar replied before getting up and moving over to his mini fridge as I rose to head to the room where Bella was.

Bella instantly jumped up out of her seat, dropping the book she was reading. "Are you okay?" she asked as she walked over to me.

"Yeah, I just needed a break. You okay?"

She nodded and walked closer to me to hug me. I kissed the top of her head and closed my eyes.

"Good," I told her, before pulling back. "I just needed to see you."

She smiled. "I get it. Now, go finish. I'll be right here, promise."

Reluctantly, I left the room and walked back into Eleazar's, where an ice-cold bottle of water was waiting. I sat down in the chair I was in before and sighed, opened the water and gulped half of it down.

"Bella okay?" Eleazar asked as he sat back in his chair, eyes on me.

"Yeah, though, I think I worried her with the way she shot up and dropped the book." I shrugged my shoulders and tried to smile.

"She's an amazing gal. I don't know what all she's told you about Charlie and losing him, but she was there every minute taking care of him. She amazed me." Eleazar shook his head, a slight smile on his face.

"Well, she's been a bit forthcoming. But I think I'll let her come to me to tell me the whole story, just like I owe her mine." I didn't know what it was about this guy that made me want to open up to him, but I felt oddly comfortable with him in the short amount of time that we had already spent together. Maybe it was knowing that we both were once a part of the Marines, and had that same sense of brotherhood. Whatever it was, I was glad for it.

"So, we have about thirty minutes left in our time slot if you wanna tell me a bit about yourself." He leaned back a bit more in his chair, coming off casual and encouraging.

My lips moved a few times, but nothing came out right away. I had more thoughts in my mind, and not sure which one to verbalize first.

"I was born from Chicago. I lived there all my life until the Marines, and now Seattle. My parents are Carlisle and Esme Cullen. I'd like to think I'm more like my mom than my dad. Both are amazing people." I scratched my chin in thought, feeling foolish for what I was sharing. "Um, well... I enlisted in my early twenties. I was discharged just after I turned forty. Honorably, due to injuries sustained. On my third and last tour of duty in Iraq, I lost three close friends due to an insurgent attack."

That was where I lost it, and my heartbeat felt like it was thumping away at me, hard and fast. My breath felt like I couldn't catch it at all, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't get enough air into my lungs.

It felt as if I was dying.

Eleazar must have gone and retrieved Bella at some point, because I felt hands on me. Soon, I somehow felt her warmth on my face, her hands pulling my face down to her.

"Breathe in and out, Edward. Slowly. Let's count to ten, ready? One, two, three..." She continued counting, and I tried to focus. When she could see that the counting wasn't helping, she took one of my clenched fists and placed it on her chest. I could feel her heartbeat with how hard she was pressing my hand against her chest. "Breathe with me, Edward. That's it...in and out. One more time. Great."

Eventually, after what felt like forever, I felt somewhat normal. I took in my surroundings, and all I wanted to do was grab Bella and pull her into a hug. Instead, I looked at Eleazar and instantly felt stupid at my reaction. Instead of affirming my fear, he handed me the bottle of water. I took it and gulped down what was left in the bottle.

"Better, Edward?" Eleazar asked, his voice low and calming.

I nodded, not wanting to talk.

"Good. How about I give you my card, and you call me Thursday so we can schedule our next visit. You can even have Bella call, okay?" He handed me his card, writing his numbers on the back. "I have given you my personal cell phone number. Bella has it as well. Call me anytime."

Bella pulled me up and wrapped her arms around my waist. "Thank you so much, Eleazar. I'll call you tonight after I talk to him." Bella told him as we began to walk out of his office. I felt exhausted from head to toe, and felt bad that I just didn't feel like I wanted to say or do anything more.

Eleazar, I thought, understood. He clasped his hand on my shoulder and squeezed. "Thursday, Edward."

I rasped out a yes, which was the most I could do at that moment.

Somehow, someway we made it back to our townhouses. Bella led me up to mine, fished my keys out of my pocket, and let me in. She took my hand and led me back to my room, helped me to sit back on my bed and removed my shoes, and then had me lay down. A few minutes later, she laid down next to me, her arms draped over my waist and her head on my chest.

Sleep came surprisingly easy, considering all that had happened that day, and was honestly the best sleep I'd had in ages.

 **~.~**

 **Thoughts? Thank you very much for reading.**


	14. Chapter 14

**It has been a stressful week so far. I am so ready to just be done with this week. So, here is the plan. Stricken will have an update Saturday. I am going to try and get a teaser of Devil In Me up in my group sometime today, and post a chapter of that Monday. Those are my goals.**

 **Thank you to Kyla713 and Packy for being in my doc. Any mistakes are mine, I'm posting while dealing with a migraine.**

 **Enjoy!**

 **~.~**

Chapter 14-

I woke long before Bella. The sun had already gone down and my room was not quite dark yet, so I knew it couldn't be too late in the evening. I wasn't sure of the time, but found that I really didn't care. I felt perfectly content and happy right where I was. Though, I was sure if Bella didn't wake soon, I was eventually going to have to move away from her and fix us some very late dinner.

My eyes drifted from the dark ceiling to her sleeping face. We had somehow switched sleeping positions. She was now sleeping on her back, her long brown hair fanned out around her, and I was on my side facing her, my arm over her stomach, holding her to me.

I didn't want to let her go. I felt connected to her in a way I'd never experienced before. I wanted to explore it, discover if something was there, and I wasn't the only one who felt it.

 _She looks so young, and I am so old._

Closing my eyes, I pulled her closer, held her tighter and kissed the side of her head softly, silently making a wish that she'd never leave me.

Which made me feel selfish. I didn't have much to offer her, just a scar-riddled, broken me. Hell, she probably hadn't even thought of me that way, and was only helping out a friend. I realized then, as she continued to sleep next to me, that I'd never really allowed anyone to grow close to me. Sure, I had my fair share relationships, but they never lasted long. I was mostly overseas or on assignment anyway. Not many women had patience with their man being gone for months on end.

I wanted her to want me. I hoped that maybe we could, in the future, be more.

I felt her shuffle against me. She had now moved onto her side to face me. A soft sigh escaped her as she burrowed her head under my chin. I was debating on whether to wake her and get us something to eat, or just ignore my stomach all together and try to fall asleep again.

Sleeping next to her could have easily become one of my favorite things. She brought calm to my chaotic mess of a mind.

I must have fallen asleep again, because I woke a short while later to Bella slowly getting up and out of my bed.

Sleepily, I asked, "Where you going?"

Bella turned her head, her sleepy eyes half lidded. "Bathroom." She blushed. "And then I thought we'd have a midnight snack."

I smiled and burrowed back down in the blankets, and sighed. "Well, if you must leave... I'll just be here."

She laughed and left the room. I had no intention of moving from my spot. It was too warm, and for once, I wanted to stay in my bed for other reasons. It wasn't the heavy sadness that was engulfing me, making me want to stay; it was the fact that I'd get Bella's warmth back in it.

Which made me feel conflicted. I wasn't sure if I should want that, or give into it. But at the same time, I felt needy for even being glad she was coming back.

 _I am such a fucking mess._

A short time later, Bella came back in with a tray of snacks and juice. She sat down on the bed next to me and covered back up with blankets.

"I hope you don't mind, but I grabbed us some juice and made us each a sandwich. You really need to get to the store." She took a sip of her juice and winked.

"Maybe if you have some to do, we could go together tomorrow after work?" I was now looking for any way for more time with her. I mentally hoped she didn't think me a creep.

 _Surely, she would've by now._

"For sure! We can do that. I don't have to get much." She handed off my sandwich. "Hey, Edward. May I ask? What do you do?"

As I began to eat, and then drink my juice, I thought about what I could tell her about my job that didn't make me sound completely boring. "I work for an insurance firm that actually hires Vets. They work on Military insurance contracts mostly. I guess stick with what I know, yeah?"

"Do you like it?" she inquired before taking another bite.

"Yes and no." I took a huge gulp of my juice and then set the glass down on the table beside me. "There are times I like it. It gives my life meaning and structure, as sad as that sounds. Other times, I just...I don't even want to deal. It all seems too much with phones ringing, constant noise."

She bumped her shoulder with mine as she finished her sandwich. "I can get that."

"So, what do you do?" I figured, fair was fair.

She drained the rest of her juice and then set her plate and glass on the table beside her before she turned her body to face mine completely. "Well, you know I used to grief counselor. I don't practice anymore. So now, I settled back on my minor in college. I edit freelance, since I was an English major. At least then, I can set my own schedule, just meet deadlines. Don't have to deal with people. I think I prefer quiet."

"I can definitely understand that," I told her, and following her lead, I laid my plate down, since I was finished, and then I turned my body to fully face hers as well. "Work should be interesting tomorrow. Up late and hardly any sleep again."

"Maybe do a half day? You do have to make plans with Eleazar. Maybe use that with your boss?"

"You're a bad influence," I told her, chuckling.

"Guilty," she voiced, but looked completely innocent as she did so.

I gently grabbed her hand and held it, my finger slowly running up and down the back of her hand. "Eleazar told me today that you used to make your dad those cookies, that he loved them."

"He did. Charlie had a sweet tooth. I used to find hidden Kit Kat bars in the drawers in the kitchen. Boxes of cookies out in his cruiser. He loved his sweets." I could almost hear the smile in her voice. "When... when he got sick, I made sure to bake them for him as much as I could. I wanted to bring him some form of happiness."

I squeezed her hand and looked up at her. Her eyes were glistening with unshed tears. "Sick?" I couldn't help but ask.

Bella nodded, and the hand I was holding, I suddenly lost, so that she could wipe her tears away. "He was diagnosed with stage three lung cancer two years ago, in the Fall. It was fast and brutal. It spread to his liver and most of his lymph nodes. We tried chemo and radiation, but after three rounds and no improvement, Charlie said screw it. So, he was permanently taken off the force. You see, he was Chief of Police back in Forks." She grabbed my hands that time and held on to them. Her eyes were trained on them as she continued. "The goodbye party is what made me realize that it was all real, that I really was going to lose my dad. I hid away and cried in a supply closet while my dad said goodbye to people and co-workers."

I couldn't hold myself back anymore, so I pulled her into my arms and up onto my lap. "I am so sorry, Bella." And I was. Here I was, drowning in grief for five years, and she'd been floating in hers for two. I didn't even want to imagine how I'd feel if I had lost my father.

"I know. So am I. Because out of everyone I knew, he was the one I was thought was invincible. That he could do anything, survive anything. Even cancer. The day he passed...I laid with him for hours. It took the hospice nurse pulling me off his bed to get me to go. I wasn't ready for a goodbye. I didn't want a goodbye. But I'm grateful for the fact that I got to tell him that I loved him, and that he was the best dad I could ever ask for."

Running my fingers down through her hair, I placed a soft kiss at her temple. "You were an amazing daughter. You cared for him, were there for him."

She turned her head and smiled at me. "Thank you. I hope so. There are times when I swear I can hear his oxygen machine whoosh and it will wake me up. Other times, I think I hear him call out my name. I'm sure that is why I don't sleep. I'm afraid to. I was afraid then, that I'd miss something important."

Nudging her head down onto my shoulder, I laid mine on top of hers. I closed my eyes and breathed her in. "That is why you're no longer a counselor, isn't it?"

"Yes," she whispered. "The day of his diagnosis, I quit my job, left Seattle, and moved back to Forks and into his house to be with him. I don't regret it for a minute."

I squeezed her to me, offering what little support I could. "I bet that he enjoyed having you home, knowing you were near."

She nodded her head, wiped her tear stained face, and got up off my lap. I was instantly sad at the loss, but not for long. She left the bed, turned off the light, and then came back and laid down. She pulled me down next to her, and snuggled up to me as close as she could.

"Thank you, Edward. It felt really good to tell you that, so thank you for listening."

"Always, Bella. I'll always listen."

The room grew quiet, and all we had was our soft, contented sighs and breathing to break through it. I was too keyed up for sleep, but didn't want to move.

"Thank you for staying with me, bringing me home and going with me to see Eleazar. Meant a lot to me."

Her head tilted up and she smiled. "You'd do the same for me."

And I would. A thousand times over.

"Hey, Bella?" I asked, my head tilting down more to look into her eyes.

"Yeah?"

I leaned down, pulling her up into me, causing our lips to finally meet. It was the sweetest escape, soft lips on my dry ones. We slowly kissed, chaste at first. Eventually, I took the chance and deepened it, my tongue running along her bottom lip, then slowly into her mouth, causing the most delicious of moans to escape her.

It was honestly one of the best kisses I'd ever had.

 _Please don't let her regret this._

I slowed the kiss, giving her one last nip on her bottom lip before pulling away completely. We didn't say anything, just smiled at each other before moving back to our previous positions. Her head was back on my chest, her arm draped across me.

It would be so easy to sleep like this every night. I found, as I drifted back off to sleep, that I wanted that.

 **~.~**

 **Thoughts? How was that first kiss? Thank you all for reading.**


	15. Chapter 15

**Hey guys, how is your weekend going so far? My plan coming Monday is to update Devil In Me and Stricken. I am going to try and update Devil In Me at least twice a week while still updating Stricken until both are complete. It is spring break here, so my writing time might be a bit limited, but I am going to do my best.**

 **And for those wanting to know their exact ages again, it will be revealed in this chapter.**

 **Thanks to Kyla713 and Packy for always looking over my docs.**

 **Enjoy!**

 **~.~**

 **Chapter 15-**

Bella, kissing my cheek, woke me before my alarm could. I breathed in deeply, opened my eyes and gave her a sleepy smile. "Morning," I said, my voice rough with sleep.

She cuddled into me and squeezed. "Good morning. I think you slept good."

I knew what she meant. I had no nightmares, no memories that plagued me. I didn't wake up screaming and angry. For once, I woke up happy and not dreading the day. It was refreshing to know that I could find that peace in sleep. It had been so long since I last slept so soundly.

"I did. I can't remember the last time I slept with no interruption," I told her and gave in to the urge I had to kiss the top of her head in thanks.

She then sat up and unwound herself from my arms. With her head turned down to face me, she smiled. "That makes me happy. I think you deserve some of that peace."

I closed my eyes and sighed. "A part of me wants to be negative and say that the only reason you say that is because you can't hear me scream." I looked up at her, to gauge her expression. She appeared sad, but then nodded for me to continue. "Another part of me wants to give you credit. Because really, it was you that helped me sleep so peacefully."

Bella shook her head. "I can't take the credit, Edward. I think it is because you are finally working through things, and living. As for me not having to hear you scream...It breaks my heart when I can hear you screaming through these walls. No one, not even a tough Military man such as yourself, should ever have to live that existence." She wiped a tear that had fallen before she bent down to move her face closer to mine. "You are not weak for finding an outlet for your pain. Be it screaming or trashing your room. You need an outlet somehow. Edward...I can't even begin to imagine the things you've seen and lived through, and still continue to push through. You're strong, amazing, and you're finding your light at the end of the tunnel." She kissed me then, bravely full on the lips, and it was beautiful in it's short, chaste moment.

I didn't know what to say. Her words penetrated deep into me, breaking apart tiny bubbles of self-doubt that resided inside me. The way her words made me feel...it was as if I was slowly being lifted from a cold, dark prison.

"If you don't get a move on, you're going to be late," she said, then standing up, her hand held out for mine.

I grabbed her hand and stood up, pulling her into a hug. "Thank you, Bella"

"Go. Shower. I'll get coffee and a quick breakfast together." She left the room shortly after, as I then went and took my shower. The water was warm and perfect. Each droplet felt like heaven, as if I'd been denied it's warmth for ages.

Standing in front of the mirror, I found myself smiling. I didn't take in my gray hair and laugh lines. I focused on that smile, and felt my chest expand in happiness.

 _Bella is sunshine._

A knock on the bathroom door brought me out of my musings.

"Coffee is done, breakfast is on the table. I need to run over to my place real fast," Bella's voice came through the door. I replied with an okay and finished getting ready.

Not long after I sat down and poured my coffee, she came back in. She was dressed, hair down, and a bright smile on her face.

"I can give you a ride to work today, since I have to go downtown and drop some manuscripts off, if you'd like," she advised me as she picked up her coffee and toast, and sat down next to me.

"That'd be great," I replied and instantly felt like this was so very domestic of us. As I finished my breakfast, I wondered how would life be if I had her by my side.

I smiled at the thought.

We hit morning rush hour traffic just outside of downtown. The freeway was a mess, and I found myself groan as I looked at my watch. I wouldn't be late, but I also just wanted the day over with already.

"Have you called Eleazar back yet?" Bella asked, just as she changed lanes.

"I was gonna call him at the office. You'll go with me tomorrow?" Asking her to go with me again made me feel like I was becoming too dependent on her, but at the same time, it felt nice to not be so alone.

She nodded and flipped her blinker on again, so that she could get to the heart of downtown and exit the freeway. "Do you like Eleazar?"

"I do. I felt really comfortable with him, and I think it helped to know he is a vet as well, so that we have that common ground. I didn't feel like I'd have to put walls up when it came to him. He made me feel like I was a friend coming into his office, rather than just some patient," I divulged, realizing it was the truth. He did make me feel that way. I was, in that moment, incredibly glad Bella had pushed me to call him. I wouldn't have known of him otherwise.

"I'm glad. He was close with my dad, and during his final days, Eleazar was there, talking, telling stories."

All too soon, I found myself telling Bella where to turn and we pulled up to my building. "Thank you for the ride, beautiful." I leaned in before grabbing my bag and kissed her cheek, gently, close to her lips.

"I'll be here to get you after work. I put my number in your phone last night, just text thirty minutes before." She smiled, and I nodded my head, backed up and shut the car door.

Once in the office, I sat at my desk and looked around. The person across from me looked new, or maybe I just hadn't noticed before, but I definitely did as I was taking in my surroundings more now that I was finally having new life breathed into me.

I called Eleazar before lunch and made plans to meet the next day after work. We then set it so that we'd be meeting twice a week. One in the office, and one out of it. He wanted to gauge my triggers, which honestly scared me.

I thought back to the first time on civilian soil, and a car horn blasting sent me into a panic. Maybe then I should've known I had PTSD, and sought help. Another time, it was fireworks that set off one of the worst panic attacks I'd had since leaving the military hospital in Germany.

I really didn't want to be put through the ringer just to see what my triggers were, but I also wanted to be able to deal. Now, most fourth of Julys, I would go out to a lake cabin, somewhere quiet to avoid. I rode the bus to work usually, but I found listening to music calmed me as I walked down the streets. No car horns or backfires could send me into an attack then.

Before my lunch ended, I decided to text Bella. She was on my mind too much as it is.

 **E: Hey stranger, what are you up to?**

 **B: Work. Which is what you should be doing, slacker.**

 **E: Funny. I'm actually on lunch. I called Eleazar.**

 **B: That's great!**

 **E: Tell you more about it later. So, I was thinking...**

 **B: Gee, don't keep me in suspense or anything.**

 **E: Smartass. So...Would you like to go to dinner with me Friday?**

I pushed send, the idea of asking her out had been on my mind since we left Eleazar's office. I wasn't sure how she'd take it, or if she'd even want me, given how old I was and all my fucked up problems at the moment. I sighed and looked at my phone. It felt like forever before I got a reply.

 **B: Are you asking me out on a date?**

 **E: Are you opposed to the idea?**

 **B: HELL NO! I'm actually glad you asked.**

 **E: Good.**

I smiled and set my phone down, picking up the papers I was supposed to be working on when my phone pinged again.

 **B: There is something bugging me.**

I really hoped she wasn't beginning to regret anything.

 **E: Okay? What? Whatever I might have done, I'm apologizing in advance.**

 **B: *laughs* No, I'm just curious about your age, and I didn't want to come off rude.**

 **E: Way to give me a heart attack there. I'm forty-five. That okay? You?**

 **B: Beyond okay. I'm thirty-two. Too young for you?**

 **E: Nope. Just perfect.**

I was beginning to learn that she was beyond perfect for me. She was patient and understanding, far more that I deserved.

My phone didn't ping for the rest of the workday. At half past three, I texted Bella, telling her I was due to be off in thirty minutes. She replied back with "see you soon".

Once I climbed into her car and took in her smile, I had to kiss her. So, I did just that. We both pulled away from the kiss with a sigh.

The drive home was quiet, relaxing. The minute we pulled into Bella's driveway, our happy bubble burst. I opened my door and took in the people standing on my steps. My parents stood there, waiting. They turned their heads when they heard the car door slam. I wasn't ready to face them, although I knew I needed to eventually. The last time I faced my parents was four years before. It was right after I had been discharged from the Military hospital and had just stepped foot on American soil.

I lived with them in Chicago for a while, but eventually, my night terrors and panic attacks had gotten to be too much. I felt guilty for putting them through it. So, I applied and got a job out in Seattle. I hadn't seen them since.

Now, as I walked over to my door, the crushing feelings of guilt invaded me. Guilt for not being around, not calling them. Guilt over not saving my brothers and for being alive flared up.

My dad stepped forward first. "Hi, son."

 **~.~**

 **So, how do you all think he will take this? Thank you for reading!**


	16. Chapter 16

**Hey, guys! Hope you all had a good weekend. For those of you reading my other fic, Devil In Me, it updated yesterday if you're interested.**

 **Thanks to Kyla713 and Packy. They are always going in my docs, making them better, and somehow not planning my demise with how much work I send them.**

 **Enjoy!**

 **~.~**

 **Chapter 16-**

I stayed rooted where I was next to Bella as I looked at my dad and then my mother. In my head, I told myself to run, that I wasn't at all ready. In my heart, though, I knew that they deserved so much more from me than what I had given them in the past.

I hated knowing that I probably put them through a lot of pain, but I thought I was shielding them from my own at the time.

Bella grabbed onto my hand tightly, before whispering loud enough for me to hear. "I am not going to force you to do anything you don't want to do. So, if you want to go into my house before talking to them, I'll tell them and let them into your house. This is up to you. This is all on your terms."

I bent down and kissed the top of her head, whispering a thank you. Letting her hand go, I forced myself to take a step toward my dad. My eyes darted back and forth between my parents as I tried to gauge their reactions. They both looked still as statues, almost as if they were waiting on me to run, so they were too afraid to move. The closer I walked toward my dad, the more emotion I saw flash in his eyes.

Sadness.

Love.

Acceptance.

Understanding.

Once we were face to face, I wrapped my arms around my dad, breathed in and let out a sob. He held onto me tighter as he tried to tell me it was all okay. For a moment, I felt like a lost little kid, who needed reassurance from his parents that everything was going to be all right, despite the fact that I was a grown man.

As kids, we grow so used to our parents always being there, always having the solutions to make things better. When I came back from Iraq, I knew that they couldn't protect me from everything, and not everything could be fixed. I knew that they would try, but it hurt me to watch them having to even see me how I was back then.

One of my arms left the embrace I had around my dad and held out my hand for Bella. She immediately clasped my hand in hers, and instantly, I felt calmer. My mother was the next who wrapped her arms around my dad first, and then grabbed ahold of me, her tears soaking into my shirt.

I didn't know how long we stood there; all I did know was that I thought we all needed what that embraced offered to us. A sense of comfort and a new beginning.

Since my parents refused to let me go, Bella leaned into me, kissed my cheek, and said, "I'm gonna let you guys catch up. Come over any time, my door is unlocked. We can do our shopping whenever."

The second she let go of my hand, the panic started creeping up inside me, but I tried to focus on my parents, and breathe in deep and slow to try and keep it at bay. The last thing I needed was for them to see me fall apart.

"Why don't we head in," I managed to get out, before fishing my keys out of my pants pocket. Opening my door, I let them step in first and noticed they carried no bags.

"How long are you guys here for?" I asked, shutting the door behind me.

My dad spoke before mom could. "A few days at the most, maybe longer. And we booked a room at the nearest hotel. We didn't want to crowd you."

Nodding my head, I walked further inside and into the kitchen, desperately needing a drink. "Can I get you guys anything? Mom? I have wine."

"No, son. Just relax. We are sorry for popping in on you like this."

I opened a bottle of water and gulped almost half of it down before I looked back at my parents. "I'm not saying this to be rude, but a warning would've helped."

My father sighed and rubbed the back of his neck. "We've given you time, Edward. We decided when you left that we'd let you come to us. When you called us a few days ago, we couldn't stay away any longer. We both knew that had we warned you, you'd have denied us, just like you have every phone call, every month, every year."

Hearing the hurt in my dad's voice as he said that, pierced something in me. I never thought that by me choosing to keep them from seeing what I had become, the mess I had turned into, it would hurt them. I only did so to spare them.

"I...I..." I stammered—the words just weren't coming out. Clenching my eyes closed, I exhaled roughly. "I never meant to truly hurt you or mom. I only wanted to keep you guys from seeing me like that. I knew...I knew that being in your house was only tearing you guys apart."

"Oh, Edward. Not even close. We wanted to help you," my mother said, sadness coating her voice.

I took one last pull from my water. "I know. I realize that, but I don't think you guys could've helped." It hurt me to admit this, because I wanted them to piece me back together, but war tore me apart into tiny little shards. I knew, no matter how hard they'd try, they wouldn't find all of the pieces to put me back together again.

"You didn't have to run. I would've helped you secure a place. Something, anything to where you didn't have to move across country," my dad told me, his voice rough.

"Do you know that I didn't even have a good grasp on myself then? That… knowing that my scars on my shoulders, ribs and legs freaked the both of you out? That every night when I'd scream and you'd come rushing in, I could hear mom's sobs? Or dad, what about that time I took a swing at you? Mom, what about that time you went to change my shoulder dressing, and I flew into a panic attack? I couldn't even save you guys from myself. Running was the safest option," I admitted, and grabbed another water.

My phone pinged a second later. **You okay?**

I replied back that I was okay, to not worry. That I'd be over at her place soon.

"Look, I don't mean to get mad, it's just... I'm going through all of it again. I'm still having attacks, I still flinch every time I walk down the street and a damn car backfires. I still wake almost every night screaming. But that girl next door? She's opened my eyes to a few things." I took a drink and sighed. I knew my parents probably had a million questions, and I wish I could answer them all, but I already felt as if it was all too much.

My mom sat down at the table and indicated that I should follow. Once I sat down next to her, my dad sat down, too. "I understand your frustration, or why you even ran. I can get why you thought you had to get away. But, son, it isn't a bad thing to ask for help. We'd do anything for you," my mom told me, her hand grasping my arm.

"I know. And I'll forever be thankful. But I think I had to get to the point to where I knew I could get help," I replied, staring down at the table, all the while, itching to get back to Bella.

"Are you at that place now? Getting help?" my dad asked.

"I am. Bella pointed me in the right direction. In fact, I go to see my therapist, Eleazar, again tomorrow."

My mom let out sob and wiped a tear that coursed down her cheek. "That makes me happy. I'm proud of you."

"Bella?" My dad was curious, not that I could blame him.

I nodded, not at all able to hide the smile that was forming at the thought of her. "She's my sunshine. She's the one who lives next door. I'm, uh… heh. I asked her out this Friday." Both my parents looked happy at the news.

"We'd love to get to know her, and maybe catch up with you more, if we can," My mother said as squeezed my arm to get me to look up at her. "Just promise me you won't shut us out anymore? I don't want to feel like I've lost you. I'm so lucky to still have you, but please let me in now."

I wasn't sure what to say or do. Instead, I just stood up and pulled my mom up with me, encasing her in a tight hug. I didn't think I could keep them out, now that they were here visiting. I doubted I could even go back to how I was, ignoring their phone calls. As much as it hurt me to push them away, and hurt them, I missed them and needed them. I was just too proud to admit it back then.

A knock came to my door and broke us apart. Bella came in a few seconds later. "I hope you don't mind; it was unlocked."

I smiled at her and opened my arms for her to come to me. I held her in a hug, and then turned her towards my parents, hoping it wasn't putting her in awkward position.

"Bella, this is my mom, Esme. My dad, Carlisle." They didn't bother with handshakes, they hugged her instead. My mom fumbling with thanking Bella for steering me in the right direction.

Once my dad released Bella from her hug, he pulled back and smiled at her. "Why don't you let us buy you two dinner?"

I decided to let Bella steer this, since I was at a loss. But as I looked between my parents and Bella, it felt completely comfortable, as it should. And maybe it was what I was missing; the feeling of family and allowing myself to enjoy that love, even at my most trying of times.

"Well, I kind of beat you guys to it. I ordered some Chinese, I hope you don't mind. I ordered a lot, wasn't sure what you'd like. But I also wasn't sure how Edward would feel… umm, after everything."

My parents nodded in understanding. "Sounds good, dear," Mom voiced, before winking at me like she used to.

The thought of running flashed in my mind, and I found that I was glad I didn't. It felt good to not give into my fears and allow them to override everything else. I felt like I had closed another gaping hole inside myself, taking me one step closer to being the me I used to be, and hopefully a better man for Bella.

 **~.~**

 **Thoughts? Thank you, as always, for reading and reviewing!**


	17. Chapter 17

**Hello, lovely people. I hope you all are having a good day so far. Sorry for not posting a teaser to this chapter in my group yesterday. I have the worst cold at the moment, and pretty much spent yesterday in bed. So, I wanted to focus on getting this chapter finished and up today. Teasers will resume in my group after this chapter.**

 **Thank you to Kyla713 and Packy for being in my docs and constantly correcting stuff.**

 **I'll just leave you guys to it.**

 **~.~**

 **Chapter 17-**

After dinner, my parents left to go back to their hotel, so it was just Bella and me. It was a comfortable quiet where nothing had to be said, and you could just lay your head on the other person's shoulder and smile in contentment. I tried to remember as far back as I could if I ever had that type of content before, discounting my parents. I came up with nothing.

Bella seemed to be instituting a lot of changes in my life lately. I was no longer the one that just went through the motions, tried to ignore the outside world, and go on with my days. No, she made me open my eyes, look around and actually want to enjoy my days. I no longer dreaded waking up in the morning. I found since having her in my life, I couldn't wait for the mornings to come.

I could feel Bella's breath ghost across my neck as she exhaled. Her head was on my shoulder, my arms around her as we sat on my couch.

"It's getting late, should we still brave the store?" I asked her, my voice quiet.

"Yeah, if you don't mind. I'm in need of a few things," Bella replied, and then stood up, holding her hand out for me.

A while later, we found ourselves sharing a shopping cart, me pushing it along the aisles as she walked ahead. I idly grabbed what I needed, which wasn't much. I tried to put a favorite frozen meal in the cart, and Bella batted my had away and told me no.

I may have pouted at her, which then caused her to laugh. I shook my head and continued to push the cart as I followed her. I was hit with the fact that it felt so incredibly domestic. All that was missing was us sharing a home, a couple of rings, and a screaming child in the seat of the cart.

Just as Bella placed some bread in the cart, I shook my head as I tried to push those thoughts out. I didn't see how I could ever get to a place where I could be a husband and a father. It was too soon to even be thinking that way with her, anyway. Yet, I found, it was another thing I wanted.

I thought about life as I strolled down those aisles, and all the things I'd wanted or had missed out on. I found that what I wanted most of all was a sense of normalcy; not a sense of just floating, content with knowing how my days would go day in and day out. What I needed was surprises. Not knowing just what the day would bring me. The need to venture out of the safety of what I had built of the last five years was strong.

The urge to prove to myself that I didn't need a rigorous hold on my life was strong. I just wasn't sure I could fully do it. At least, not yet.

"You okay?" Bella asked, her eyes full of questions.

"Yeah. Just thinking. You know? I'll be right back, I think I forgot coffee a few aisles back," I told her and turned around. I entered the aisle I needed, spied the coffee. As I went to grab it, my eyes came upon a man I knew I should recognize.

He was tall, huge, built like a linebacker. Short brown hair, brown eyes. He could've been Emmett. He looked so much like him. When he laughed as he held a phone to his ear, it almost sounded like Emmett's, as well. I suddenly found myself frozen in the middle of the aisle. My hand had a death grip around the tin of coffee as fought with myself to look away from this man.

 _I know it isn't him. I know it isn't him. I know...but fuck if I feel my heart breaking._

A hand on my shoulder startled me out of my thoughts. I turned around and found Bella, her eyes full of concern.

"Been awhile. I got worried," she said, grabbing the tin of coffee out of my hands. "Edward, you are pale. I think we should hurry and finish, go home. You feeling okay?"

 _Yeah, I'm okay. Okay if you count seeing a man you know you sent to his death alive, even though you know it's not him._

The only thing I could do was just nod.

Checkout felt like it took ages. I was itching to get out, escape the store. Soon, we paid and put everything in the car. My hands were shaking by the time I sat down in my seat. I felt like I was sweating, getting too hot as my mind lingered on that man.

 _Man, Em, if only you were here._

Back home, I was still quiet. Bella sensed it and shoved a phone in my hand, "I know you're due to see him tomorrow, but I really think you should call Eleazar now. I think it will help you not fly into an episode I can see you trying to hold at bay."

She dialed his number and put it on speaker. Eleazar picked up on the second ring. "Edward?"

"Eleazar, it's Bella. Edward is next to me and he's looking as pale as can be. I have a bad feeling he's flying into an episode." I could hear the worry in her voice and wanted to wrap her in a hug, but I couldn't bring myself to move. I felt as if all my muscles were locked up tight as I tried to gain control.

"Edward. Listen to me," Eleazar instructed. "I want you to focus your gaze on Bella, and then count to ten as you breathe in. Don't let your eyesight stray from her, okay? Then once you reach ten, I want you to exhale slowly. As slow as you can. Ready? I'll go with you."

I did as instructed. My eyes never left Bella's, and she didn't move from her spot, not even an inch. After four cycles of breathing, I felt a bit calmer. Not much, but I was getting there. I was now able to let my fist unclench and my arms go to my sides. My chest felt less heavy.

Eleazar's voice came through the phone again. "How are we doing now?"

Bella nodded her head in encouragement as she looked down to the phone. "I'm a little better."

"Good. Did you find that focusing on an object, helped? It doesn't have to be Bella every time. It can be a favorite picture, cup anything."

"It did help to focus on one thing," I told him, wanting Bella in my arms, so I held them out wide. She came and sat in my lap, her head on my shoulder as my arms wrapped around her. I whispered a thank you in her ear and kissed the top of her head.

"I don't want to mess up the positive step we took here, and you don't have to answer me, but what triggered this for you tonight?" he asked, papers shuffling in the background as I heard a pen click.

Bella kissed my lips softly. "You'll be all right."

I squeezed her to me, sighed, and closed my eyes. "We were shopping at the grocery store. I was already feeling edgy due to some things I was thinking about. I don't know what made me go back and get the coffee, but I did." I laid my head against Bella's gently, needing the extra contact. "When I went to the aisle, I saw a man there. It's like I locked up, couldn't move. He laughed, and that laugh sounded so much like Emmett's." The last few words rushed out of me, I couldn't say much more. It felt like a new wound was being ripped right over my ribs.

"I take it Emmett is someone you were close to?" he asked as a pen moved across paper in the background."

"I...I... I sent him toward his death." I could hear Bella's gasp, and I knew then that she knew. "It was a mission… A lot of men were injured, but I lost the three closest to me over there. Emmett, though… He was there with me in the Marines practically the whole time I was enlisted. Out of everyone, he was the closest to being a brother to me."

"I'm sorry, Edward… but the fact that something like this has triggered an attack like this tells me one thing. You haven't faced their deaths at all, have you?"

"No. How can I, when they should still be here?" I could feel the tears stinging in my eyes, waiting to fall down my cheeks.

"You can't blame yourself. In a war zone, a million things can happen, and at the same time, go wrong. Fate is a cruel mistress."

"I suppose she is," I replied.

"Is there any way that maybe you could come in the morning, or is the afternoon still best? I'd did schedule us to be out of the office, but I think it would do you some good if we really talk, and pinpoint more of your triggers."

"I'll have to stick with the afternoon. I don't think my boss will be forgiving if I miss more," I said, my hand idly playing with Bella's fingers.

"Okay. So, I will see you tomorrow. You did good, Edward. Don't ever be ashamed or afraid to reach out to me. Bella did good in calling me just now. At least now, I know one trigger, so we can help you to start to work on overcoming them."

We hung up, and Bella stayed on my lap, in no rush to move. I moved my hand up to her chin, tilting her head up towards me. "I hope you don't mind, but..." My lips met hers, molding to hers perfectly. Her soft to my rough, chapped lips. I ran my tongue across her bottom lip, and she opened up for me, allowing our tongues to touch. A soft sigh and low moan followed soon after.

I kissed her one last time, chastely, before pulling away and smiling. "Stay with me again?" I asked, to which she nodded.

I gave her time to go over to her place to get ready and grab whatever she needed. While I waited, I called my parents to make sure they were okay at the hotel. I didn't mention what I had just gone through, or what had happened at the store. I didn't want them to feel like they had to come over and check on me. I was okay, or would be. Telling them goodnight, I hung up soon after and changed for bed.

Bella came in a short time after and crawled into my bed. I pulled the blankets up around us, as I spooned her from behind.

"Thank you. You do so much for me," I told her, kissing her neck softly.

"You'd do the same."

A few hours later, I woke up to Bella sobbing, and me on the floor.

 **~.~**

 **So, how are we? Thoughts? Thank you for reading!**


	18. Chapter 18

**Hope you guys are having a great Friday so far. It is rainy with thunderstorms here. My pug and wiener dog will be in hiding all day. Anyway, afew of you were worried that Edward possibly hurt Bella, hopefully you find the answers you want in this chapter.**

 **Thanks to Kyla713 for looking things over, and Packy as well. Special thanks to Moflo19 for always reassuring me.**

 **Enjoy.**

 **~.~**

 **Chapter 18-**

I wasn't at all sure how I ended up on the floor, or why Bella was crying. I felt disoriented, it didn't feel the way most of my episodes did when I had a nightmare, or went into a panic attack upon waking. I didn't feel angry—just more scared.

Her sobs were softening, so my eyes searched her out and I could see her huddled up on my bed, knees pulled up to her chest, arms wrapped around her as if she were trying to protect herself. I wasn't at all sure what I should do right then. If I should hurry to her, or let her come to me.

"Bella?" I pulled myself up from the floor and stood. I didn't want to encroach on her space.

Her head turned toward me, her face wet with tears, a blank stare on her face.

 _Was she even awake?_

I slowly crawled onto the bed and towards her, and gently placed one arm around her and pulled her close to me. "Sweetheart?"

"You held me down," she said, almost too quietly. "And I felt like I couldn't breathe."

 _This was one of my fears. This is why I never let anyone get close to me. I just hurt them in the end._

"Bella...I didn't mean…I-I'm so sorry." My mind was now a scrambled mess, and I had no clue what to do or say to help. "Did I do something else?"

 _I should just leave, wait for her to go back to place. Something. Anything. I can't believe... I...I hurt her._

"No," she said, her hair now a curtain, hiding her face from me.

I tried to think of what else to say, but my mind was overloaded with guilt. Instead, I continued to hold her, softly swaying her from side to side.

A few minutes pass, and the silence felt like a death grip.

"It wasn't just you." Her voice was so quiet and held so much sadness. "I dreamed of my dad."

I squeezed her tightly, again at a loss for words. As the silence descended and minutes ticked by, I idly wondered how two souls torn by grief could even have a chance in this world. It seemed like we had so much stacked against us. I was beyond broken, but Bella...she made it appear as if she was functioning way better than I was.

Maybe she was just better at hiding it than I ever was, even when I thought I was doing good on my own.

"I miss him," she suddenly said, breaking through the silence.

I wanted to repay the favor... to take her pain away like she seemed to do with mine, with some magical way she had.

"I bet you do. And I am sure he was an amazing man, even more so for bringing up such a strong daughter," I told her, placing my hands gently on her face to have her look at me. I wiped away her tears and kissed each cheek softly. "Was your dream bad?"

Bella closed her eyes and shook her head. "Not really. Bad in the sense that it made me wish he was here, but good because I got to see him again. Even if just in my dreams."

My hands slowly went from her cheeks, across her jaw, down her neck and to her shoulders. I swept her hair back away from her face. "Sometimes, dreams bring us what we most want...other times, not so much."

"My dream...My dream was about the time I almost lost my dad three months before he actually passed. I was sleeping upstairs. He had a bed downstairs in the living room—it was easier for him, and for me. He liked to watch out the window, toward the woods. He claimed he'd see a wolf or two pass the house," Bella told me, a slight smile adorning her face. "In my dream, I was asleep and I heard his oxygen machine start pinging. I tried to run down, but I was stuck, tangled up in my sheets, I guess." She looked up at me then, a fresh round of tears preparing to fall. "You see...That was my fear, that I'd oversleep or not hear an alarm, and I'd miss my chance to say goodbye. That I wouldn't be able to kiss him, hug him, tell him I loved him. Anyway, I struggled a few minutes, finally falling out of bed. I ran downstairs, only to find him not breathing."

"Oh, Bella." I pulled her to me then, wrapping my arms around her. I had no plans to let her go anytime soon. "Is that what woke you up? That part of the dream, and the feel of me on you?"

She nodded. "I think you were cuddling me. You were cocooned around me, really. I couldn't move your arm or get you to move. I felt like my world was caving in again. Being half asleep, I didn't realize until after I pushed you out of bed, that it was really just a dream. It was all just a dream."

"It's okay. I'm not hurt, and I can understand your reaction. Selfish as this may sound, I'm glad I didn't hurt you. I couldn't...I wouldn't be able to live with myself then. That… that is _my_ biggest fear. Hurting someone I care about in one of my attacks," I admitted to her, hoping she could see the sincerity in my eyes.

"Even then, Edward, I don't think I could ever leave you. Strangely, for whatever reason, I feel that I was meant to be your neighbor. I think that means you're stuck with me now." She laughed softly, before leaning in to kiss my lips. She pulled away, flashing me a smile before situating herself under the bed covers again.

I glanced at the clock. The green, highlighted numbers mocked me with a two in the morning notice. We seemed to always have our deepest moments late at night, but maybe that was the safest time. Secrets always get spilled in the dark.

I leaned in, kissed her forehead gently, and pulled back. "Why don't I make us some hot chocolate? Maybe we can still get a few hours of sleep." I then got up and walked out the bedroom, toward the kitchen.

As I went about making our hot chocolate, I was struck with the sudden realization that Bella and I... our grief was so different. Bella had been grieving for her father since the day he received his diagnosis. She knew that eventually there would be a day she'd no longer have him. While both of us had people taken from us all too soon… she'd had an end date—I didn't. Which, in a way, was a cruel way to look at it. But I thought that, since she took care of her dad, she mourned him every day he was alive, while soaking up those last precious moments. She had come to terms with it. I was still processing.

My friends, essentially, were murdered. The high price of war, I supposed. They were taken from this world violently, with no warning. And maybe that was why I refused to come to grips with it all. I wasn't sure if I ever would.

Mortality is a scary thing. We all know we're going to die. It's a certain fact. We have no control over the how, where, why or even when. We just leave it to fate, which seems so unfair when you think about it. We literally have no control as we navigate this ride called life.

Pouring the hot milk over the chocolate, I shook my head and sighed. Even if we know we will inevitably lose people in the course of our lives, there is no way to prepare for it. Not even war prepares you for that, even if it is pretty much a given.

Bella, though… even with a warning, she wasn't prepared. But it was how she handled it that made it so she wasn't drowning like I was. I envied her.

I grabbed two mugs and poured them three-quarters the way full, and then made my way back to my room with them. I passed one off to Bella, set mine on the table before getting into bed.

Bella took a sip of her drink and sighed. "Thank you."

"You're welcome. How are you? Okay?" I asked, looking her over to see. No more tears. She looked a lot more at ease.

"I'm much better. Felt nice to talk to someone else about it."

I nodded, completely getting it. It was nice to know you're not alone in your sadness. "We always seem to have our deepest conversations at night."

"We do. I'm kind of thankful for them. You seem less closed off at night, even in your worst episode, I know eventually you'll calm down." Looking at me, she smiled, and then moved toward me so that she could lay her head on my shoulder.

Sometime around three, we finished our drink and fell asleep. That time, Bella was wrapped up next to me. No more bad dreams, or me on the floor.

Waking up, I found myself alone. No Bella in my bed, and my house was quiet. I got up and went out to the kitchen. I found a note taped to the coffee maker.

 **E~**

 **Went to pick up bagels. I should be back in time to get you off to work. I have to drop some things off downtown today again. Be back shortly.**

 **B**

I smiled. It amazed me how comfortable we already were with each other. We hadn't even known one another that long so far, but I wouldn't change it for anything.

The day passed slow after she dropped me off at work. There were no text messages to divert my attention. I didn't want to come off too clingy by messaging her; I knew I'd see her soon.

Around four, my phone pinged with an incoming message.

 **Change of plans. Eleazar is meeting you outside your work. See you when you get home. B**

Now, instead of focusing on my upcoming appointment with Eleazar, I was worrying about Bella. She seemed off, cold even.

I hated it.

Eleazar was waiting outside my doors, and the instant our eyes met, my flight response was strong.

 _Run and hide._

Instead, I walked right up to him shook his hand and said, "I'm ready."

 **~.~**

 **How are we all? Thoughts?**

 **Thank you for reading and reviewing. Please know, I do read each and every one of them. They make me smile, so again, thank you.**


	19. Chapter 19

**I was surprised and delighted to see that Stricken was rec'd on the on the RobAttack blog over the weekend! Totally made my day. And that banner! I'm totally in love with it. So thank you to fearlessmore~InRobWeLust for the beautiful edit. Also, to Rita for including my fic on her blog, and for the Banner as well. I even had to ask if I could use it. *smiles ***

 **Anyway, Thank you to Kyla713 for looking this over. I still don't know how she hasn't told me to stop sending her chapters by now. Thank you to Packy as well.**

 **Enjoy.**

 **~.~**

 **Chapter 19-**

Usually, when I walked the streets alone, I had some sort of armor keeping me from the world so I could avoid any usual triggers. That was typically in the form of music pumping into my ears at high volume, thanks to my phone. However, as Eleazar and I walked down the road, I felt stripped. Naked and completely at the mercy of all the sounds that were now attacking me.

"Bella called me today," Eleazar said, just as we stopped at a crosswalk. "If she seems a bit off with you, it's because we talked about last night." He sighed and turned his head toward me. "She's given me permission to talk to you, even though I really shouldn't have to worry about patient confidentiality since, technically, she's not my patient, but she asked me to refer her to someone."

I was instantly proud of Bella. I knew that she needed someone just as much as I did, even if I thought she was handling her loss extraordinarily well.

"That's good. A huge step. I'm proud of her," I replied, and began walking across the street in step with Eleazar.

"So am I, but I worry," he admitted, just as he signaled we were to turn down another road and continue walking.

My hands were itching to go into my pockets and grab my phone, plug in my ear phones, and shut out the world. Each car honk, every airplane overhead, was causing my heart to beat overtime. Instead, I tried to focus on Eleazar and continue our conversation. "Why do you worry?"

We stopped off at a hot dog stand. He ordered before turning toward me and asked if I'd like anything, to which I said no. Once he had his food, we found a place to sit, off to the side and away from a majority of people and passing commuters. "I worry because the last thing you two need is to form a co-dependency and never move forward. I worry because she was my best friend's daughter. But I also worry that neither of you can handle a relationship. Not that it is really any of my business, but even if you consider me just your therapist, I still consider you a friend."

I tried to smile, but deep down, what he said got to me. I didn't want anyone to doubt that I should be with Bella. I was doubting enough as it was myself. Always questioning if I was really ready for something as deep as what was currently building with Bella.

"Well... I can't say I disagree with anything you've said. Especially about the co-dependency. I'm trying hard to be careful there, but when the only good sleep I seem to get is beside her, holding her...it's hard. She brings me a sense of, I don't know, a peace I've never known."

He nodded. "I get that." He finished his food, then stood up and went to throw it away. He motioned me to follow him as we continued on down the road. "Anyway, we'll talk more about that next week. I don't want to bombard you too much. The reason I have you out here today, and without Bella, is to gauge your triggers. I've noticed several times since we left your office building that you keep reaching into your pockets."

I nodded. "Usually, I listen to music whenever I walk outside. It became my way of coping if I could focus on a sound I liked, rather than being bombarded."

We crossed another road and then came to a clearing at a park, where he directed me over to a bench. Sitting down, we both grew quiet for a few minutes. He seemed calm, while I became edgier by the minute.

"Your triggers...which one is the worst when you are outside," he asked, turning his head to face me.

"Planes. Even more so if they are low flying."

"It was the same for me when I first got home. More so, the sound of a helicopter got me," he admitted, and I suddenly felt like we were no longer therapist and patient, but rather on level playing field. Just two vets sharing and finding common ground.

"If it isn't the planes, it's car horns. A car horn went off just before the first missile hit," I told him, my hands grinding down and tugging on my pants as I breathed in and counted to ten.

"That has to be hard, since it's such a common sound in a big city."

"It was the first sound to set me off when I first came back to the States," I told him as I now looked down to the ground. "I hid like a coward."

I could see him shaking his head out of the corner of my eyes at my admission. "That doesn't make you a coward. You can't help what sends you in a tailspin any more than you can choose your nightly dreams. Just because you _reacted_ to a fear, a known fear to you, doesn't make you weak."

My mind tried find a way to agree with that, but I couldn't. I remembered how ashamed I felt when I dropped everything, ran, and hid, covering my ears until my dad walked up to me after having looked for me at baggage claim and not finding me. I hated feeling that weak and I never wanted to feel that way again, but I felt as if I had no control over that.

"But I do and I don't think there will be any way I will get over it. So, I cope. Listening to loud music helps me to at least grab some form of control. I need that control. I hate feeling how I am now, out of sorts."

"Well, while it's good that you found a way to cope, you shouldn't just have to cope, Edward. I'm hoping that eventually, we will get you to where you want to be. To be able to enjoy being outside, not fearing outside noises."

I grew quiet for a little bit as I looked around the park, my eyes settling on a car I recognized, and instantly smiled.

"Well, as long as you work with me, I promise I'll do my best, Eleazar."

"That's all I ask. Now, I figure for as long as the good weather holds out, we will hold all foreseeable appointments outside. I want to focus on your triggers one by one. Same time next Tuesday as today, if that works for you, as well as Thursday. We'll just keep it that way." He smiled. "Do you feel like we accomplished something today?"

I actually did feel like we conquered something. "I've been outside for an hour talking to you and not once listened to music, even if I desperately wanted to."

"Huge step, I'd say." Eleazar then stood up, and I followed.

"I was only able to do it because you kept me talking."

"Don't sell yourself short, Edward. You know as well as I do that you could've grabbed your phone, put your earplugs in and ignored me, if you truly wanted to. But you didn't. Give yourself some credit," he told me, his eyes serious.

"Okay, it was a tiny step," I said and laughed, still not feeling at all confident that it was.

"I'll see you Tuesday, okay? Why don't you go talk to Bella?"

We said goodbye and I walked up to Bella's car and got in. She smiled, leaned over, and kissed me softly on the lips before pulling back and starting the car.

 _Maybe I read the tone of her text wrong._

As we pulled away from the park, she apologized for sounding so short in the text. The reason she was, was simply because she was nervous for me when she knew what Eleazar was possibly going to do since he insisted on an outdoor session.

I took her apology and felt a thousand times better about her and our steadily growing relationship. I knew I needed to stop second guessing everything and just have faith, but relinquishing my control to faith was a hard thing for me to do. So many things could go wrong.

I told her about my session and just as I told her about what Eleazar called a huge step for me, we pulled up in front of a restaurant. My parents were standing outside the double doors, waiting.

Bella parked and turned off the engine. "I hope you don't mind, but your mom came by while you were at work and asked us to meet them here after your session. We can leave at any time, if you need to," she told me and squeezed my hand. "They just really want to talk to you. They've truly missed you. Just say the word and we'll go."

"Okay."

We got out of the car, and before I could even close my door, my mom was there, her arms around me. Suddenly, I felt all the love I didn't allow myself to have over the last five years. I hugged her back, holding her tightly, and didn't let go until she did. She held my hand as we walked up to the restaurant and met up with my dad. He held the door open, and smiled at us as we all walked in.

 **~.~**

 **How was your weekend? Thoughts? Thank you for reading!**


	20. Chapter 20

**Hello, all! Hope you are having a nice week so far.**

 **Thank you to Kyla713 for forever putting up with me, and to Packy as well.**

 **Enjoy!**

 **~.~**

 **Chapter 20-**

As I sat across the table from my father, I was forced to recognize that I had given up five years with my parents. Five years that I would never get back, and who knew how long I'd have with them now. My dad had new laugh lines, deeper crinkles around the eyes than I remembered. His voice, to me, seemed deeper, but he still had the same smile.

My mom was as beautiful as ever. Though, I could see the subtle changes. Her eyes were lighter, her hair whiter, and the ever-present worry still shined brightly in her eyes. I knew the last five years, not to mention the twenty I spent in service, didn't help. I only hoped that now that she could see me, knew that I was okay, and getting better, that maybe some worry would leave her. I doubted it, though.

From the moment we sat down, I could tell my parents had a million questions, and no clue where to start. So instead, we chatted about the unimportant things. The weather, sports, and the like. Once we ordered and waited for food, I knew my parents couldn't rein in it any longer and were about to burst.

Bella's hand quickly grabbed onto mine under the table and squeezed. I felt calm instantly, and I knew that if I said I can't do this, she'd stand up and get me out to the car, and take me home.

My dad took a sip of his water, leaned back in his chair, and cleared his throat. "Son...I can't imagine what you've gone through, the things you've seen, heard, done. Nor can imagine life as a civilian after having fought. What I do know is, I've missed you. We've missed you. Every deployment of never knowing if we'd ever see you alive again. Every newscast of the war and wondering if we'd see you in them. Each call home you made and only getting to hear your voice for five minutes." My dad's eyes were misty, filled with emotion, and I soon found my chest heavy. "But none of that hurt worse than the day you walked out of our door and never looked back. I get it, we both do. But you're our son, will always be our son, and we have only ever wanted to help you. I knew from the moment you came screaming out of your mom, that I couldn't protect you from everything, but damn it, Edward, I should've have been able to protect you from this hell you've been living."

Out of the corner of my eyes, I could see Bella and my mother wiping lone tears away. "I never wanted you guys to feel as if...I don't know, as if this, any of this was your fault. Honestly, I left to protecting you guys. It didn't feel right, letting you guys see me like that. I am sorry that I left the way I did. You deserved better from me."

My mom vehemently shook her head. "That is where you're wrong. I don't care about what we deserve, Edward. I care about what you deserve, and you didn't, and still don't, deserve a life like you've been living. You, my son, deserve better. You will always deserve better."

My stomach felt tied up in knots as the heaviness of this conversation began to weigh on me. I closed my eyes, turned towards Bella. Something in her facial expression and eyes gave me the grounding I needed to stay and not flee.

Our food arrived just as I was about to say something, but the moment was changed as soon as our plates were set down. I didn't want this meal with my parents to be bogged down with the negatives, so I asked them what they've been up to instead, trying to focus on happier things.

Soon, once most of our plates were cleared away, our table was full of laughter. Something Bella had said about Charlie, and the first time she had come up to live with him in high school made us laugh. It involved a bathroom mishap, a screaming Bella, and a freaked out Charlie. By the time she finished her story, she had tears roll down her face as she laughed. I could see that she felt better after sharing that.

My parents told me they were both retired now, and I felt deep guilt, knowing that I should have known that, been there and thrown them a party. They'd worked so hard all their lives. My dad being a cardiovascular surgeon, and my mom owned a bookstore. She still owned it; just hired out the work now.

As soon as "bookstore" left my mom's mouth, Bella's eyes lit up, and I instantly knew that they had made a connection. I wanted that for them, for I hoped that Bella would eventually be a part of this new woven piece of family we now had. Even if I tried my damnedest, I couldn't see her not being by my side.

Dad insisted on paying the bill, which instantly made me feel like a kid again, for some reason. I didn't want to insult him by insisting on paying it myself, but on the other hand, I wanted to start taking care of them. I felt like I owed it to them. I said as such, and they pretty much told me to shut up and just live with it. Shaking my head, I chuckled as I looked at my dad and flashed him a smile.

 _I wish I could bottle up this happiness. I never want it to leave me._

Leaving the restaurant, my dad pulled me off to the side, away from Bella and my mom.

"I'll make you a deal. You can spoil us tomorrow, but right now, let us do the spoiling. You may be a grown man, but you're still my boy," he told me, as I nervously played with his car keys.

Emotions were never my strong suit. I always tried to hide them, never give in to them, but I found that sometimes, they just need to be let go of. I grabbed onto my dad and hugged him as hard as I could, feeling overwhelmingly happy and sad at the same time. "I know I don't say it enough, but I love you, Dad."

He held onto me, and in a way, I wished he didn't have to let go. Eventually, we parted and smiled at each other.

"Bella is a beautiful woman. Smart, sweet. And yet, she's dealt with so much." Dad was now looking over toward Bella as she chatted with my mom, laughing about something. "I think she's perfect for you, just the rock you need." His eyes found their way back to me. "I want you to promise me that you won't ever push that sweet girl away. You hold on to her. She's your light out of the darkness."

"I promise," I told him, feeling the heaviness in that promise. "And I promise that I won't shut you guys out again, as well."

"Good. Though, we are just as much at fault. We shouldn't have waited so long," he admitted, before clasping me on the shoulder. "But what is done is done. We have you back in our lives, and that is all that matters. I don't care about anything else."

I hugged my dad again, feeling thankful I could finally allow myself to embrace this new existence.

Bella and my mom soon joined us. They were making plans to go down to Pike Place and look around the next day while I worked. They planned to pick me up, then we'd go from there. Both of my parents hugged Bella, and then me, wishing us a goodnight.

Once in the car, and just before Bella pulled away, she turned to me and smiled. "Your parents are amazing. Dinner tonight was probably, apart from the nights I've shared with you, was the best I'd had in a long while." She pulled out of the parking lot, and we began our way home. "Your dad makes me miss my dad even more. The tears I held back when he hugged me..."

I grabbed her hand from off the gear shift and intertwined our fingers. "I'm pretty sure that if you asked him to adopt you, he would. He was all about praising you when we talked."

She let out a small laugh. "I think I could live with Carlisle being my adoptive dad."

Twenty minutes later, we pulled up to our townhouses, and I thought back to Eleazar's worry that we were both becoming too dependent on each other. I struggled with whether I should ask if she was staying or just head in.

"Do you want to come over for a tea, sit out on the deck?" Bella asked as she unlocked her front door and looked over her shoulder.

Like I could even tell the girl no, so I nodded my head and followed her in.

Sitting out on the deck and looking up at the night's sky was relaxing. The calm I found when watching and counting stars amazed me. Sipping my tea, I looked over to Bella and really took her in. She looked so relaxed, almost as if she'd fall asleep any second. I had to agree with my dad, though; she was beyond beautiful. Her long hair, smile, deep brown eyes...I could go on. She was simply everything.

"Eleazar said he referred you to someone." I hated to break the moment, but I was curious.

"Yeah. I will start seeing Mckenna McDonnell next week. She seems nice, and when I talked to her on the phone, she had the most calming accent I'd ever heard. She could have probably lulled me to sleep, if she wanted to." Bella chuckled and then took a drink of her tea.

"That's great. I'm glad. We're both taking these huge, life altering steps. Is it selfish of me to be glad I'm not alone in it all?"

She took a drink of her tea and sighed. "Nope. I think knowing you were here with me was what finally pushed me to deal with my own grief. I think...no, I know if you hadn't have come along, I'd still be trying to ignore the fact that Charlie was really gone. That I wasn't drowning in my grief. Even with my background as a grief counselor, and me knowing what I should do... I just couldn't bring myself to do it. You gave me a much-needed push to finally deal."

"Well, without you giving me Eleazar's number, I'd probably still be fighting you on even seeing anyone."

She nodded, knowing I was right. "Well then, it's a good thing I moved in next door, isn't it? Because you are truly stuck with me now."

"As if I'd want it any other way."

I couldn't help myself; I leaned across the table, moved our tea mugs out of the way, and I kissed her. Long and slow at first, and then deeper the more bold we grew.

That night, instead of following her into her townhouse, I jumped over to my deck. We said goodnight, and I went about my business. As I crawled into bed, I laid awake, my eyes refusing to close, my body no longer wanted to relax.

It had been a good few nights of no nightmares, no bad memories, screams or broken objects since Bella had stayed with me. She gave me the best nights of sleep I'd had in years.

Eventually, I fell asleep as I stared up at my ceiling. The nightmares hit, the screams came, and I instantly wanted Bella to take it all away again.

 **~.~**

 **Thank you for reading, and for each and every one of your reviews.**


	21. Chapter 21

**Hope you all are having a good week. My plan is to update Devil in me Saturday or Sunday. Update Stricken Saturday. My eyes and brain are hating for the writing schedule I put myself on.**

 **Anyway, Thank you to Kyla713 for looking this over, even when she's not feeling good. Any mistakes are mine.**

 **I'll leave you all to it.**

 **~.~**

 **Chapter 21-**

Despite the urge to run over to Bella's, I stayed in my bed and tried to fall to sleep. I knew she heard me when my phone pinged with a message, asking me if I was all right. I replied with an "I'm okay." That I didn't want to run to her every time. She said she understood, but really didn't mind if I did. She was having just as much of a hard time sleeping as I was.

Still, I stayed in bed and stared up at the ceiling until the sun rose. Of course, it would figure that the minute light infiltrated my room, my eyes began to droop. Before I let myself succumb, I jumped up out of bed and showered and dressed, feeling as if I'd just come off a twenty-four-hour patrol.

 _First time you've equated your service to your life now._

Not worrying with breakfast, I hurried over to Bella's, not even bothering to knock on her door before I entered. I hoped that she wasn't in a compromising position, or she didn't want me over, but I needed a hug, something to take the edge of last night off.

I found her at her stove making breakfast. She was still in a robe, her hair flowed down her back in gentle waves. She tilted her head once she heard me and smiled. "Morning."

My feet didn't stop. They just continued to walk toward her until my arms were around her and I kissed her on top of her head. Closing my eyes, I breathed her in. "Morning, Bella." I didn't want to let go of her, but I knew I had to, so I stepped back and started toward her breakfast nook.

"Coffee is ready." She tilted her head towards the coffee pot. "And I had a feeling you'd probably be over, so I'll have our eggs and bacon ready in a few minutes." Bella then went back to what she was doing while I poured us both a cup.

Once she plated us up, she joined me at the nook. She looked as tired as I felt.

"Do you think Eleazar is on to something? That we're too dependent?" I asked before taking a bite.

She shook her head. "I want to say yes. Because deep down, I know it probably isn't healthy, how we are the way we are, to some outside of our situation, but on the other hand, I want to say no." She ducked her head, and I detected a slight blush just before she took a sip of her coffee. "I feel like we both need what we have. That we sleep better and cope better when we are together. Maybe that's what we need?"

"We both obviously have become used to one another in ways we probably didn't think we would," I replied, and I looked up at her, making sure we had eye contact. "This may make me sound like a complete loser, I don't know. But what I do know...I need you. You give me a sense of comfort I've never had. There is something about holding you in my arms and listening to you breathe that calms me. And when you're curled up tight against me, your heartbeat, as odd as this may sound, grounds me."

I could tell that my words impacted her in some way when her eyes misted up for a few seconds.

"You give me comfort, too, Edward. There is something in knowing that you're not alone. I hate being alone. I used to love it, preferred having my quiet even. But once I moved in with my Dad after his diagnosis...now, I hate silence. So, I find calm in you being next to me, too."

I got up out of my seat and walked around the table to where she was. Kneeling in front of her, I placed my hand on her knees. She bent her head down, her hair allowing a curtain to fall, shielding us. Tilting my face up, I brought one hand up to her chin and pulled her down to my lips gently. I hoped that somehow, she could feel the emotion I was wanting to convey in that kiss. It was gentle, sweet and made my heart race. Once I pulled back, I kissed each cheek and then her forehead, before standing up again and going back to my seat.

We spent the rest of our breakfast talking about the plans for the day. She had texted my parents already, and they would be meeting her there before I went off to work. They'd drop me off and go on to Seattle, doing touristy things.

It was odd riding into work with my parents. I wasn't used to so many voices all around me. The happiness, though, filled me. It had been a while, discounting all that Bella has given me, where I felt so incredibly happy at the start the day. We said goodbye once we pulled up to my building, and as I walked up to my desk, I instantly wished I was with them and not there at work.

Lunch time was interesting. I was filling out some paperwork and sending off an email, when I looked up to see my dad walking toward my desk, bag in hand. Just as I had noticed him, my phone went off with texts of pictures. I'd have to look at them later.

"I know you're busy, but Bella told me it was near your lunch, so we grabbed you something," he said, handing me a bag from Ivar's. My stomach instantly growled. "We're kind of hoping you might be able to get off early? Meet us up over at the aquarium?"

Placing the bag on my desk, I brought my dad in for a hug. The urge to embrace him as much as I could in the hopes I was making up for lost time was one I couldn't deny. "I'll see what I can do. I'll text and let you guys know."

"Sounds good." He smiled and then looked around the office. "You've done good." He hugged me one last time before turning around and meeting back up with Bella and Mom.

 **I feel like such a delinquent, begging off work early.**

I had just pushed send right after I walked out of my boss's office. I went to my desk and packed up for the day; all the while, my eyes kept glancing around the office, as if I was doing something I shouldn't.

I had just made it through the doors of my building when my phone pinged.

 **Live a little, Edward.**

Shaking my head, I laughed as I put earbuds in as I made my way towards the Aquarium. I was in downtown Seattle, it wouldn't be a huge trek. I kept my head down as I walked, never paying any notice to those walking past. I tried to ignore all the cars going along the streets. The only time I did look up was once I was at the Aquarium. My mom was the first to hug me, then Bella. Instantly, I felt much calmer.

Once I took my earbuds out, we began the rest of our afternoon. We had a lot of fun at the Aquarium, and then the Pier. Bella and my mom instantly made future plans for the next time my parents came out to Seattle. They'd hop on a ferry and visit all the Islands, especially Orcas Island. They were thinking they'd make another trip out in a couple of months—that time, for longer.

We ended our night at a seafood restaurant that overlooked the Puget Sound. As I sipped my drink, I looked at my parents and idly wished they'd just move there. I couldn't see myself back in Chicago. It wasn't that I didn't want to go back there. I knew that someday, I would, but it held too many memories, and Seattle just gave me that feel of home. Maybe due to it being the start of my beginnings for myself.

"What has you so lost in thought?" My dad nudged my arm to gain my attention.

"Would it be selfish of me to wish that you guys were closer?" I admitted and nervously played with my silverware.

He smiled that smile he always got when we were usually on the same wavelength. His blue eyes grew brighter as he looked over to my mom. "We were just talking about that last night. I'm retired, I only go in a few hours a week to help out at a clinic. Your mom could sell the store or operate it from here, going back every month or so to check on things."

"Sounds to me like you guys did more than talk about it." I looked over at Bella, who seemed to always know when I was tuned to her, and turned her head and smiled.

"Your mom has actively been looking at house listings since last night. She wastes no time." He chuckled. "Could you live with your parents being so close again?"

"I think so. I've lived without you for way too long," I admitted, my heart instantly grew heavy. "I want to be able to be there for everything now."

We continued to talk until dessert came. Bella and my mom shared one, while my dad and I just sipped coffee. They seemed to have the sweet tooth for all of us.

Saying goodnight to them that time around wasn't so bad. I had a feeling I'd be seeing a lot more of them soon, and not just for visits here and there. I felt comforted by this, that maybe somewhere, fate decided to cut me a break and start making all the wrongs, right.

After Bella and I arrived back at our houses, I debated on whether I should invite her in, or we should have another go apart. To be honest, I was beyond exhausted.

Bella grabbed the keys from my hand and unlocked my door. "I just want you to hold me, just for a little while."

I knew I couldn't tell her no, no matter how hard I tried. So, I smiled, locked the door once we made it through, and took her hand, leading her into the living room. Turning on the TV, I then sat down and opened my arms for her. She cuddled right up to me and sighed.

My eyes were just beginning to drift when my phone went off, alerting me of a new email.

 **Edward-**

 **I wasn't sure how to broach this with you if I called you, so I figured email is the safest bet. Mrs. McCarty and I were wondering if there was any way you could travel to us? We have some things we need to discuss, and well... Emmett left some things to you that I think you'd like to have. Not just that, but son, it has been five years... and we are having a somewhat memorial for him. It would mean so much for you to attend.**

 **We hope with everything you'll call us to get the details. You meant a lot to him, therefore, you mean just as much to us.**

I didn't even realize until I clicked out of my email that I was crying. Bella sat up quickly, her eyes looked me over in worry.

"Edward? Are you okay?"

I knew I should go. I owed to Em; I just didn't know if I could. Handing Bella my phone, I had her open my inbox and read the email that Emmett's parents had sent. She looked up at me and knew instantly that it would be a hard thing for me.

"I know it will be hard, but I also know you can do this, that you need this, Edward. You need this closure." She grabbed my hand tightly. "But most of all...you need to say goodbye."

I gulped and grabbed my phone as my heart thundered in my chest. I dialed his parents' number and closed my eyes. The instant I heard his dad's voice, I let the tears fall.

"Edward? You there, son?"

I held back a sob, wiped my eyes, and swallowed. "Yeah...I just got your email. Send me the details. I'll be there." My voice gave light to the emotions coursing through me as it wavered and cracked.

"This means a lot to us. I'm glad you chose to come. I'll send you the details. I'll even buy your ticket," he told me, sounding just as emotional as me.

"I can't ask that of you. But I will be there, I promise. I might have a guest with me," I told him while I looked at Bella, hoping she'd go.

"Whatever gets you here, Edward. You and anyone else you bring is welcome here."

We soon hung up, and as I shut down my phone, I placed my head in my hands as I tried to calm myself. Bella's hand on my back was the only thing that seemed to calm me. I leaned back into her touch as she ran her fingers through my hair. I drifted off to her voice murmuring good things about today.

 **~.~**

 **Thoughts? Thank you all for reading!**


	22. Chapter 22

**Wishing all of those who celebrate a Happy Easter. I hope you all are having a good weekend. Devil in me should hopefully post sometime tomorrow night. At the latest, Monday.**

 **Thanks to Kyla713 and Packy for always being in my docs and looking over things.**

 **Enjoy.**

 **~.~**

 **Chapter 22-**

My next visit with Eleazar was set outside again, but in a place I hadn't been since I touched down in one five years before.

Sea-Tac Airport.

I knew we were going to tackle triggers, I just didn't think we'd jump in right away. I was beyond apprehensive, even if I knew that tackling them now would be easier in the long run. The planes weren't as bad taking off; it was when they were landing I had a huge problem with. They seemed louder, and I assumed my fear associated with them landing as being low flying, ready to drop bombs.

Eleazar knew a friend who could get him closer to the landing planes. With some favors called in and identification sorted, we were taken where they shuttled baggage to waiting planes. By the time we were outside again, and I was feet away from a plane, I was sweating and my heart palpitations were through the roof.

"By looking at the state of you right now, Edward, I'm somewhat glad we didn't go through with what I did have planned. Baby steps seems better." Eleazar's gaze was over the tarmac. "I had plans to take you to the air force base." He looked at me to gauge my reaction.

I was pretty sure that hearing fighter jets would've sent me into a tailspin almost immediately. Even if I knew, deep down, it wasn't an enemy combatant. "I'm thinking, even as hard as being just near these planes are, that would've wrecked me," I admitted honestly, wiping my brow of sweat.

He nodded, then handed me a blindfold and directed me to a chair as he looked at his watch. "Please sit down. Put the blindfold on and just listen."

 _Wasting no time, is he?_

I did as instructed. My hands were gripping my legs so hard as I heard the plane nearest to me turn its engines on. The loud whine as it backed away. I could hear the moment the propellers engaged. My breaths came fast; if I breathed any faster, I was sure I was going to black out.

"Okay, there, Edward?" Eleazar asked, hand on my shoulder, squeezing.

I couldn't vocally reply, so instead. I just shakily nodded my head.

 _I'm not okay. Not at all. I just want to go home._

Sweat dripped off my nose and down onto my lip as I heard the plane begin to take off. It was louder, it seemed, since I had no eyesight to see it. Once the sound of the plane taking off lessened, I noticed Eleazar was now behind me, both hands on my shoulders.

"Breathe in and out, Edward. Slow. You've got this." he instructed, while squeezing my shoulders one last time.

My body was now shaking as I tried to gain control of my breathing. I doubted I was having any luck slowing my breaths down. They felt like they were coming in faster, harsher even.

The ground vibrated as, from what I could hear, a plane was coming in. The loud engine hurt my ears, and the screech of the landing gear hitting pavement had me jumping up from the seat I was in. I hit the deck, making myself as flat I as could be, just in case.

The hand on my back didn't help to comfort me; if anything, it made me feel even more out of my skin than I was.

 _Run. Run. Run._

"Edward, Breathe. Count to ten. Ready? Let's inhale...Good, now exhale." Eleazar's voice sounded comforting...to a point. All I really wanted to do was hide and be anywhere but there.

"I'm going to take your blindfold off, okay?"

He did just that, and then helped me up. I sat back down in the chair, my face in my hands as I tried to relax. A few minutes later, Eleazar nudged me with this elbow. He held out a bottle of water and a candy bar.

"Think you could use this. Especially the sugar."

I slowly gulped the water down and ate the candy bar, almost feeling back to normal.

"You ready to head out?" he asked, as he looked over at his friend that gave us clearance and nodded his head.

"Please tell me today's appointment is now over," I pleaded, clenching my eyes closed.

"Yeah...I think I put you through the wringer enough," he said as he held out his hand to help me out of the chair.

As we made our way out to his car, I noticed how my whole body felt as if I had just run a marathon. Every muscle ached. The minute I sat down in the passenger seat, I sighed long and slow, feeling nothing but sweet relief.

Making our way back into Seattle, Eleazar was quiet, giving me the time to re-acclimate myself. Just before he turned to where we were to meet Bella, we were at a stop light, and he turned to me and asked how I was.

"Okay...now."

He nodded, just as the car began moving again. "I know it may not seem like it, but you did good. And I think we're getting somewhere. Now that I know how you react to that trigger, so we can try and work over it."

I nodded. "Hope so."

I noticed Bella waiting outside her car; she smiled at us just as we pulled up. Before I opened my door, I turned to Eleazar. "Emmett's parents got in touch with me. They want me to come back to Chicago. Say they have some things for me from Emmett. Small memorial type thing." I nervously picked at my water bottle. "I'm going. I know deep down it's the right thing to do. But...I'm worried how I'll handle it."

Eleazar hummed and removed his hands from the steering wheel. "Just the fact that you're going is a huge step. That alone shows you are ready to confront losing him. I think this will be a huge step for you, and I'm so happy you're taking it. You have my number, and you can honestly call any time. I'll pick up."

"Thanks. I think...I think Bella is going with me," I told him, my head turning out toward where she was standing.

"Good. You need that support system. Now, if for some reason, you can't call..." He handed me his email address.

"Thanks. So, same time next week?"

"Of course, you can't get rid of me just yet." He flashed me a smile, and I got out of his car and said bye.

The minute I was near Bella, I pulled her into my arms and held her tightly.

"Bad session?" she asked as she ran her fingers through my hair.

"Not really bad, just...massive trigger."

She looked up and kissed my lips softly, and if we weren't standing outside, I'd have lost myself in that kiss.

The drive home was quiet, and we spent that night cuddled up on the couch, watching old TV reruns. I didn't mind it, didn't even care what we were watching, only as long as I had Bella cuddled up into me. Falling asleep next to her was heaven, waking up, even better. After the evening we'd had, a night of perfect sleep was what we both needed.

Going through work the next day, the time crawled at a snail's pace. I had plans for taking Bella out on our first, official date.

 _It's been years, decades even, since I've done this._

By the time I was able to clock out for the night, I was excited and nervous at the same time. I stopped at a florist on the way home. I insisted Bella let me pick her up. I didn't want her giving me a ride home from work and spoiling surprises.

With flowers in my passenger seat, I set off toward the grocery store. I grabbed what I needed and set about home. I didn't want to take her to the space needle or some expensive place. I wasn't so sure if I was ready for that, just in case I did screw it up somehow.

Instead, I set up my kitchen and living room with candles, soft music, and the food I prepared on the table. Once showered and dressed, and after cursing the fact my tie wasn't going to cooperate with me, I made my way over to Bella's, flowers in hand.

 _I don't remember being this nervous for prom even, and my date's dad scared the shit out of me._

I raised my hand to knock and held the flowers around my back. The minute Bella opened the door, though...my world stopped. She looked absolutely beautiful. Her hair was long and wavy, her lips slightly colored, her smile made her eyes twinkle. The blue dress, however...I was done for.

"You look absolutely beyond beautiful, Bella," I told her and handed her the bouquet of flowers I got her.

"Thank you," she shyly replied while taking the flowers I offered. "You look handsome yourself." She smiled, turned around to go put the flowers in water, and came back. I watched as she locked her door.

 _She's not planning on coming back anytime soon._

I took her hand in mine and intertwined our fingers, squeezing gently as I led her over to my place.

The minute she saw the layout, she gasped. "This is perfect."

"I hope you don't mind, but I wanted it to just be us. No outside noise or interference," I told her, leading her towards the table as I pulled out a chair for her to sit down.

 _Or the chance in having an episode in the middle of a date._

Soon, we fell into conversations about our day. Bella had made plans with my parents for the weekend; that time, I'd be joining them before they flew home. They had let us have that day and the previous one to ourselves so they could do the tourist thing. We both didn't want them to go back home, but we knew they'd be back soon enough.

She spoke about a few projects she was working on, andI told her about a massive mistake a coworker made. It all seemed so normal and right. I found as we slowly ate, that I didn't want the night to end. It was the first time in so long that I didn't have to worry, think or try and fill the silence.

Once the plates were cleared, I brought out dessert. Bella, in one of our many conversations, mentioned she loved tiramisu, so I picked some up from a local bakery. We took our time enjoying it, and Bella moved her chair closer to me so she could lay her head on my shoulder as she fed me a bite.

It was all just perfect.

I could tell it was getting late and she was becoming more tired. So, I walked her to her door.

"I suppose this is where I kiss you goodnight," I said, pulling her into my body and holding her close.

"Better make it an amazing goodnight kiss, then," she said, mischievous glint in her eyes.

Bending my head down, I brought my lips onto hers. It was chaste at first. Then I ran my tongue slowly across her bottom lip, which then caused her to gasp and open her mouth. Slowly, our tongues met and the kiss grew deeper. Instinctively, I backed her into her door, my hands now up on each side of her head, flat on her door as we kissed and nipped each other's lips.

Eventually, we pulled apart, both panting for breath.

She pulled out her house key to unlock her door. Stepping in, she looked over her shoulder. "Coming?"

My eyes shifted between her door and mine. It didn't take me long to choose. I stepped into her house and closed the door.

 **~.~**

 **Thoughts? Thank you all for reading and reviewing. I truly do appreciate it.**


	23. Chapter 23

**So, I wasn't planning on having them go this far...but apparently this Edward was determined. So, if you're reading this at work... a bit of a NSFW warning here.**

 **Thanks to Kyla713 and Packy for always being in my docs.**

 **Enjoy!**

 **~.~**

 **Chapter 23-**

The minute I closed the door behind me, I knew that we were crossing into a new unknown territory for us. When I set out arranging our date, I never planned for anything more; it never even crossed my mind. The excitement and nervousness bubbling up inside me held me back for a few moments. I never wanted her to feel pressured, or that it was somehow something I needed.

I'd had my fair share, but never had I felt that attached; that worried about crossing the line with a woman. There was something about Bella that just made it all...so much more. I'd be kidding myself if I said our ages didn't play a role in my momentary second thoughts. She was so much younger, and I was so much more experienced.

 _This is the last thing you need to be thinking about._

With each step I took away from the door, the more I knew that it was right where I needed to be. Whatever happened, happened. I wasn't going to stop it.

Suddenly, I felt overly sensitive to each and every sound. I could hear her lay her purse down, then her keys. The light switch went next. The clack of her heels as she walked through her kitchen and down the hall. I was steps away from her and had the urge to just walk up behind her, wrap my arms around her and kiss that sweet neck.

Instead, I watched.

She coyly looked behind her and smile, making sure I was still following her. There was something in her eyes. I couldn't pinpoint exactly what it was, but I hoped the twinkle was due to excitement.

Her door opening and my eyes leaving her to look at her bed made reality seem more real. The energy as I walked into her room was palpable. It felt electrified as I stared into her eyes and walked up to her. I didn't say anything, and neither did she. Words felt too much and not enough at the same time.

Actions felt more powerful anyway.

I brought my hands up slowly to her face, my thumbs brushing across her cheeks as I leaned in and tilted my head, kissing her ever so softly. The hitch in her breath made me kiss her deeper. Soon, our tongues meshed, sighs and moans were shared, as I gently tugged on her bottom lip, and then sucked on it gently.

Bella brought her hands up to my chest, where she bunched my shirt up, trying desperately to pull me closer to her. My body was as close as she was going to get it, at least until our clothes were shed. My lips made their way from soft lips, down across her jaw, where I then nipped at her neck. Her soft moan spurred me even further as I moved her dress straps down her shoulder. I kissed and tasted her collarbone, taking my time moving from one shoulder to the other.

Her breaths were coming faster, her hands that were on my chest were shaking. I kissed my way up to her ear, where I whispered, "You okay? We can stop anytime. You just say the word."

She shook her head, and when I looked into her eyes, they told me everything.

Comfortable. Excited. Ready, but most of all, it was the lust in her slightly hooded gaze that spurred me further.

I pulled back slightly to undo the buttons on my dress shirt, taking off my tie and letting it fall to the floor. I was about ready to shrug the shirt off, but Bella beat me to it. Her hands slowly pushed it off my shoulders and down my arms. Next, she bit her lip as she pulled my undershirt up and over me as well.

"Turn around," I told her, bringing my hands up her back to her shoulders, and moved her hair off to the side. My fingers slowly pulled down the zipper to her dress, letting it fall from her body, pooling at her feet.

Taking her fully in, with all the lace that covered her skin, I brought my lips to the back of her neck with an open-mouthed kiss and wrapped my arms around her. She arched her backside into me in response. I knew she instantly felt how hard I truly was when she let out a long, slow moan. My fingers that were at her bare tummy now itched to be under her underwear, exploring her in new ways.

My kisses left the back of her neck, traveling down her shoulders. Her bra straps soon followed, bunching loosely once off her shoulder. After I undid her bra, and that too fell to the floor, I spun her around to face me, catching her lips in a fiery kiss.

Leading her back towards the bed, I gently laid her down. Her eyes raked over me from my head to my pants.

"You, sir, are wearing way too many clothes." Her voice was husky, yet at the same time, slightly shy sounding.

I hummed in appreciation as I took in her half naked body. "Guess I should fix that for you, then."

My belt, and then pants, fell to the floor, leaving me in only boxers. I crawled up from the foot of the bed, to where Bella was and laid next to her. I leaned down to kiss her, tongue sneaking in, teasing. My hand teasingly moved from her neck, across her chest, gently tugging on warm skin as I explored her chest. The answering moan when I tugged gently on her left nipple had me wanting to strip off whatever else we were both wearing.

My hands then continued their journey, down across her tummy and further, slipping beneath her now slightly damp underwear. My calloused fingers met warm, soft, silky skin as I ran them from opening to clit. Each pass over her most sensitive part, the deeper she moaned. My fingers circled the little bud, slow at first, then faster, until her eyes clenched shut, her mouth agape as a low moan came forth.

"That's my girl," I whispered into her ear, kissing just under it.

I slipped off her underwear, and soon, mine followed. Bella sat up, her eyes hazy after the pleasure she just allowed herself to succumb to. Pulling on the blankets, I motioned for her to slip under them. Following, I got under the covers as well, then over Bella. I spread her legs far enough to let me slip between them.

Reaching over to her bedside table, she opened the drawer and fished out a condom, then handed it to me. Once I took care of that, her warm fingers ran from my chest down across my stomach muscles and around my waist, to my ass as I pushed in.

Our answering moans as I pushed in further was all we needed to hear. Once I was completely connected to her, I kissed her as deeply as I could. The only thing heard in the room from that moment on was slick skin meeting, groans and sighs, and the sounds of kisses as we each made sure to kiss anywhere our lips could reach.

It was heaven and hell all rolled into one as we both met our pleasurable end. The minute she came that second time, was what tipped me over. She was so tight, so right, that I couldn't hold back. I buried my head into her neck, as I pushed as far in as I could and let go.

Never had I felt so connected to a partner before. It was comforting, yet scary at the same time.

Rolling off her, I kissed her once more, chastely on the lips before I got up to take care of the slight mess. After I came back, I got back under the sheets with her, not at all caring to get dressed again.

I laid on my back, and she rolled into me. Her head on my chest, arm across my waist, leg hitched over mine as she sighed contentedly.

"You okay?" I asked, squeezing her to me.

She nodded into my chest, and I could feel her begin to smile.

I wasn't even sure when we fell asleep, but just like all the other nights, it was perfect in non-interrupted slumber. I woke up in the same position I went to bed in, and Bella was still plastered next to me. I kissed the top of her head and found myself hoping and praying that she'd never get taken from me. I didn't think I could live with it if I ever lost her, too. We were too meshed together now.

My phone rang, coming from my pants somewhere on the floor. I gently moved my lovely girl off me as I went to find it and answer.

I found it on the fourth ring and hurriedly answered. My dad replied. "You guys still planning to meet up for breakfast?" I looked over to the clock—it was just half past eight.

"Yeah. How about we meet up at nine-thirty? I'll let Bella know. Just text us the restaurant?" We then hung up, and I nudged a grumpy Bella awake.

Once she was up and glaring at me, I pointed to the bathroom and told her to get her butt in there. We had parents to meet.

I got dressed, quickly running over to my place to grab clean clothes, and hurried back to her place. I decided that since she was still in the shower, I'd sneak in with her.

She had her back to me when I sneakily got in behind her and kissed her shoulder softly. "I never would've have pegged you for not being a morning person."

"We can't all be early risers after four hours of sleep," she grumpily replied.

We finished our shower, though the cold water forced us out.

We met up with my parents down on the Sound for breakfast. My dad was monopolizing Bella's time, making her laugh with the stories he was telling her. All centered around me. I looked over to my mom and smiled.

She beckoned me closer, so I obliged. "It's so nice to have you back like this. See you smiling. Truly happy. I hoped for the day..." She tried to wipe a tear without me noticing, but I did.

"I guess sometimes we just have to find a certain someone who has the key to unlock that," I replied and pulled her into a hug as I sat next to her.

Our plates were just cleared and our coffees refilled when my phone pinged with an incoming email. It was from Emmett's dad. When I saw the date of the get together, my panic took hold. Four days from now, I'd have to confront saying goodbye to my best friend, who I thought of as a brother. I was ready, yet not ready at the same time.

The email had an attachment. Curiously, I opened it. It was a copy of Emmett's will. Why they were showing that to me now, I'd never know. Guess I'd find out once I touched down in Chicago.

I slyly put my phone in front of Bella, just as she had looked down. Once she saw what was in it, she glanced over to me. "I'll book our flights when we get back home." She then moved closer, wrapping her arms around me.

"Looks like when you guys go back, I'll be following just a day after," I told my parents, who now looked a bit apprehensive themselves.

 **~.~**

 **Was this was a good, positive move for these two? How do you think Edward going back to Chicago will go?**

 **Thank you, as always, for reading and reviewing. Means a lot to me!**


	24. Chapter 24

**Just a tad late with this one, sorry. I've been super busy and exhausted this week, which hasn't helped with the writing time. Anyway, we are one step closer to Chicago with this chapter. I'd say we're about ¾ of the way done with this fic.**

 **Thanks to Kyla713 and Packy for always putting up with me and looking my stuff over.**

 **Enjoy!**

 **~.~**

 **Chapter 24-**

My eyes wouldn't move from the screen after we purchased the tickets. It made it seem that much more real, and made me realize that I was that much closer to saying goodbye to the one guy, besides my dad, that I could count on. There was a reason I put off going to his grave all these years.

I tried to once before, after I first came home to Chicago from the hospital in Germany. It was the first day I left the house after a month of being home. It took me hours to pump myself up enough to even get into my mom's car and drive to the cemetery Dad had written directions to. I took the longest route I could in my attempt to delay the inevitable. As soon as I pulled into the cemetery, I began to hyperventilate. I pulled over, just inside the entrance, and pounded my fist on the steering wheel in frustration.

After a good fifteen minutes, I drove down to where I was told he was buried. I parked, stared right to where he was, and I couldn't bring myself to get out of the car. Eventually, I left, which left me feeling like a coward; that I was so lost in my grief, that I couldn't go say a proper goodbye.

I had no choice now. No other ways to delay.

I could feel my anxiety continue to build the longer I looked at our booked tickets. I was fine on the plane I returned home on, only due to taking medicine to knock myself out for the duration of the flight. I hoped this one, I wouldn't need that; that maybe I'd be too preoccupied with Bella to really pay attention to my anxiety of being on a plane.

I sent a copy of our itinerary off to my parents, so that they would know when to pick us up. I asked my dad to pass it along to Emmett's parents, since they had the most contact with them. They even went to his funeral all those years ago, when I couldn't.

Pushing the laptop away, I pulled Bella onto my lap and wrapped my arms around her. I closed my eyes and just breathed her in, marveling in how well she was able to calm me by just being there.

"How you doing?" she asked, her fingers running slowly through my hair in a calming gesture.

"Okay. Just nervous? Scared? I don't know. I feel like everything is coming at me so fast, but maybe this is how it should be. I can't avoid things then."

She nodded in understanding. "I get that. It's easier to push away than focus on them, get them sorted. But just think, once you get through this hurdle, you are one step closer to healing."

I hoped it was true, that I would feel that much closer to feeling whole, and maybe a tiny bit like my old self again. Silence fell over us, but I didn't mind it. I just sat there, breathing her in.

The last few days before my parents returned to Chicago were a blur. We visited everything we could think of, did all the touristy things we could do with them, and I hadn't laughed or smiled in a single day as I did then. It was nice to just be, to enjoy being around them and Bella.

After my session at the airport with Eleazar, I was able to take my parents and drop them off. I tried not to pay any mind to the planes landing, the sharp noise of the landing gear hitting the tarmac. I was a huge ball of anxiety, I felt wound up so tight, that I'd never unravel.

It was hard saying goodbye, even if I knew I'd be seeing them again in less than twenty-four hours. I finally felt close to them after years apart and I didn't want to lose that. I was afraid their return to Chicago would somehow unravel all the progress we've made.

I knew it was silly, but it was a worry of mine nonetheless.

My next appointment with Eleazar before I was due to leave was an easy one. He wanted me as calm as could be, since he knew that I'd be facing some hard days back in Chicago. He asked me what made me join the Marines. My reply to him was short—I only wanted to serve my country. Ever since I was a small boy and saw a Marine standing at attention in his dress uniform, I wanted to be one.

It was one of those things that I knew I just had to do. There was no way I could be talked out of it. My parents, at first, were not at all welcoming to the idea of me joining, especially my mom. I couldn't blame her once war in the Middle East broke out. My first deployment was rough, simply because I had to walk away from a sobbing mom and a dad that tried to hold her together. I could still remember forcing myself to keep walking, and not look back.

We talked some more about my enlistment and early years in the military. We shared some stories back and forth, and before I knew it, the time was up. He once again reiterated that I could call him at any time, day or night, he didn't care. If I needed him, he was there. He also gave me an assignment. Placing a notebook in my hand, he told me that he wanted me to track anything sleep-related. My sleeping schedule, my dreams. How I woke up, how many times I woke up, and so on, but that wasn't all. He also wanted me to keep track of how many times something triggered an episode. That one, he said would be best for Bella to fill out.

As I packed my bags that night, my mind wandered to a time where Emmett and I were back in the barracks at Camp Pendleton, having received our first deployment orders. We were due to ship out in a few days time, but were sorting all affairs beforehand. Emmett, naturally, was a joker, constantly playing pranks on the guys. I was stuffing something into my duffel bag, when I heard a snap, and the next thing that came out of my mouth was a howl. He had set a mousetrap in my bag, and my fingers tripped it.

"Fucking hell, Emmett! What the fuck, man!" I yelled, and with shaking hands, got the mousetrap to dislodge. "Not. Fucking. Cool. You, ass!" My fingers throbbed as I tried to shake the pain away and scowled at Em.

"I know, but I just couldn't help myself. Payback for putting deep heat in my shampoo. That shit still fucking burns and I had to trade Crowley my Walkman for a new bottle. And anyway, you should be thanking me."

"Are you crazy? Who, in their right mind, would thank someone after a stunt like that?" I asked, furious.

"Easy. It got our minds off the fear of leaving, didn't it?" He flashed his usually toothy grin, dimples and all, and I supposed he was right—he did make me forget.

"Yeah, man. But did you have to resort to causing me pain?" I tied my duffel bag closed, glaring at him once more.

"Sometimes, desperate measures, my man."

I flipped him off in response, and he just laughed as he walked away.

I shook my head to bring myself out of long forgotten memories and closed my suitcase. I missed that...the joking, pranking. The way we could just laugh at stupid things and forget we were essentially marching into a war zone. He was the sibling I wish I had grown up with. I guessed, in all our years serving, we never once thought we'd have to lose the other to war.

Fucking war. I doubted I would ever get over the bitterness, that while I wanted to serve my country and lay down my life, we were essentially pawns in a much larger machine. And the person running it, didn't care about the lives ruined, just what he or the country could gain.

Bella came into the room and walked straight up to me, wrapped her arms around me and kissed my chest over my shirt as she sighed. "Everything ready?"

I rubbed my hands up and down her back soothingly. "Yeah. All packed."

"Well, dinner is sorted, and I picked up some new movies to watch. We just need to remember to drop them off tomorrow before our flight. Your mom called a few minutes ago, wanted to double check arrangements."

I nodded. "Sounds good."

I knew she was trying to take my mind off everything and to keep me calm. And I was so beyond thankful for that.

Dinner was quiet, but we both seemed to need it. Once done, we grabbed drinks and settled in on the couch for a mini movie marathon. Bella was cuddled up next to me, head on my shoulder, arm across my stomach, while I stretched out, feet on coffee table.

We got through two of the movies before deciding to head off to bed. She fell asleep first, while I laid awake. I tried to focus on her breathing next to me as I stared at the ceiling, but my mind was too busy thinking and worrying over seeing Emmett's parents and being in Chicago.

All too soon, my alarm went off, and with that, I could feel myself heading into a panic attack. Bella jumped from the bed and turned off the alarm, sleepily walking towards the bathroom, while I sat on the bed and tried to count to ten.

"Edward?" I could hear Bella behind me, and then the bed dipped with her crawling over it to me. She placed her hands on my shoulders and hugged me from behind. "I know this is going to be hard, but I'm with you every step of the way. You can do this, I know you can. Now breathe with me. In...out."

Breathing with her for five minutes seemed to really help. I felt calmer, even though the trip still nagged at me in my head.

Boarding the plane was a different matter. They separated us in our seating. Why, I didn't understand. But I found myself in a window seat next to a random person as I clutched the armrests as my anxiety took hold. After taking off and we were given the okay to get up out of our seats, Bella walked up from hers and placed a pill in my hand.

I slept soundly for the rest of the flight and woke up groggy a few hours later.

As we made our way to baggage claim to meet up with my parents, I clutched Bella's hand tightly the whole way from the plane.

Once we saw my parents and hugged, we grabbed our bags and made our way to their car.

We'd be staying with them during this visit. They insisted.

As we wound through the Chicago streets, I silently pepped myself up, telling myself that one hurdle was done.

Now, I just had to get over the biggest one. Facing Emmett's parents.

 **~.~**

 **How are you all? Thank you for reading and reviewing.**


	25. Chapter 25

**For those of you wanting to know the contents of the will, you get it all in this chapter. One more hurdle down.**

 **Thank you to Kyla713 for always putting up with me and catching me on my stuff. Thank you to Packy for being in my doc and all her comments.**

 **I'm sure you all are curious. Enjoy.**

 **~.~**

 **Chapter 25-**

My parent's house didn't feel like home to me as it used to. Where I felt comfortable and carefree...safe. Now, as I walked through the front door with Bella's hand in mine, it felt tainted. Ruined. My actions and how I left the house and my parents made its mark.

I took in a deep breath, squeezed Bella's hand, and followed my parents up the stairs and into the living room. We left the bags out in the car just in case I needed to sleep at a hotel instead. I still worried about having an episode around my parents. I didn't want a repeat, and I most certainly didn't want to put my mom through having to witness one after seeing just how much my worst got to Bella.

Well, when I finally realized the impact it had on her.

My dad kept walking toward the kitchen, leaving Bella and Mom in the living room, so I decided to follow him. He handed me a beer from the fridge and one for himself. Just as I opened it and took a long pull, he sighed.

"I have no doubt that this visit is not going to be fun. I know it's going to be hard, and there will be times you'll want to run away. All I ask is that you at least let us know what's up, or have a plan set up with Bella, so that she can keep us in the loop and we can try and help. Okay?" My dad stood tall, his back to the counter, legs crossed, as he stared me down, pleading with his eyes.

"I know, and I promise. I'll talk to Bella tonight before bed and let you know. I don't ever want to keep you guys out of the loop again. I just don't want to hurt you by what you might see or hear," I sheepishly admitted.

"Good." My dad took a drink and set his bottle down. "I know everything is going to feel like a whirlwind, but if you need to decompress, you're welcome to our room, if you need to hide away. We moved your piano into the guesthouse out back. We've actually decided to set you and Bella up out there, to give you privacy instead of your old room here."

I doubted my dad realized just how much he just took off my shoulders. I could quit worrying about them overhearing if I had an episode and caused damage, or woke up screaming. I didn't have to run away to a hotel room; I could still be near them. Which, more than anything, was where I truly wanted to be.

"Thank you," I quietly replied, and then finished the rest of my beer.

"No problem." Rubbing the back of his neck, he looked down to the floor as he fiddled with his bottle cap. "I also should warn you that Emmett's dad is on his way over with a copy of the will."

I gulped, and nodded my head, acknowledging what he said.

Once Dad finished his beer, we took a drink out to our girls and sat down. I immediately cringed when I noticed what my mom had in her hand.

A photo album.

Bella was turning pages and pointing, smiling and laughing as my mom told her my ages in the photos. I turned to my dad and mouthed, "Seriously?" He just chuckled in response.

Bella turned to me, her eyes sparkling with amusement. "You were such a cute baby."

I put my arm across the back of the couch behind her. "Are you saying you're surprised? I thought you said I was handsome..." She shook her head and laughed, a blush instantly pinking her cheeks. I bent down and gently kissed her on said cheek. "I'll have you know, all the girls had a crush on baby me. I rocked those diapers."

My parents laughed, and Bella turned another page, and then another as I tried not to feel embarrassed. "Mom, of all the things you could've shown her."

"Well, I had to pull out the naked baby photos. It's my right as a mom. But really, she wanted to see pictures of you in uniform. And your dress uniform. So, I thought, maybe start her off easy with the baby pictures," Mom informed me, mischievous intent lying under her not-so-innocent look.

"Uh-huh." I lightly chuckled, but didn't buy it. I'd allow my mom her fun, though, if it made her smile and Bella happy.

A knock sounded a few minutes later, causing my whole body to tighten up. Bella sensed something was up when my dad gave me a look and motioned for me to go to the kitchen. He then went to meet Mr. McCarty at the front door.

I could hear them talking as they came up the steps and into the living room. I was now nervously sitting in the kitchen. Bella wanted to follow me, but mom insisted they stay in the living room, looking over pictures.

The instant Emmett's dad walked in, I felt like all the air in the room had been sucked out in some sort of a vacuum. He was huge, just as Em was. Same curly dark hair, same eyes. He looked at me as he walked further in the room and tried to smile, but it faltered.

"I wish we could've met under better circumstances. Em wrote home about the guys in his unit a lot, but mostly you. He always said you were the blood brother he wished he'd had."

My eyes stung and my throat felt clogged. "I always thought the same of him," I rasped out, my eyes searching all over, when they landed on the papers Mr. McCarty was holding.

 _The will._

Honestly, I didn't care what was in it. Nothing in those papers would bring my friend back, my brother. Nothing could make any of it better, but I knew that it had to be something important for his parents to bring it up five years later.

My dad cleared his throat. "I'm gonna let the two of you talk. Take all the time you need. I'm gonna take our girls out, show Bella around a bit. Just call when you want us back."

I nodded; it was all I could do.

Mr. McCarty told Dad thank you and shook his hand before sitting down at the table across from me. He then laid out the papers in front of him.

"We tried to get a hold of you back after his funeral, but when you didn't return our calls, I knew we shouldn't push it much. We finally tracked down your parents about a year ago and got in touch with them and started talking. They kept us in the know of how you were, and I secretly hoped you'd come around, so I'd be able to give you what my son left behind."

I sat up straighter in my chair, my hands clasped in front of me. "I'm sorry, I just...I needed to just get away, and I think I'm finally in a spot where I can actually deal with his death. Deep down, I still feel like somehow, someway, I could've prevented it."

Mr. McCarty shook his head and looked sad as his eyes met mine again. "Emmett knew what he was getting into when he signed on to enlist. He knew the risks, just as you did. You couldn't expect yourself to be superman and save every man in your unit, when outside forces are unpredictable. That's life."

I sighed and closed my eyes, letting his words soak in. "I know, but still..." I brought my hands up and rubbed my eyes. "Can I get you anything? Coffee? Water?"

"No, son. But thank you. I know you want to get this over with." He handed me an envelope. "I never opened that. It was with his personal effects, addressed to you. I think we should start off with that one."

Slowly, I ran my finger under the lip of the envelope and opened it, pulling out the papers that were held inside.

 **Edward-**

 **If you're opening this, then I guess a bomb or something got me. This last mission, something deep down made me sit down and write to everyone who meant something to me, along with a will. I've been having dreams ever since we came back to Iraq. I think fate is giving me a heads up that I'm not going to be stateside again.**

 **You're my brother, man. One I wish I could easily call blood. No matter what, though, you're family. I wouldn't have lasted this long in the military if it wasn't for you. You kept me sane, laughing, happy. When I was missing Rosie and my kids too much, you kept my mind occupied. Even if it took you doing something to piss me off.**

 **I lived for those pranks.**

 **Back when Noah was born, I told Rosie my plans, and she backed me up. We just never told you. Man, I wanted to ask you so many times if you'd be the godfather of any and all of my kids. But I never got around to it. Rosie and I had talked about it, so she knows my wishes on it. And hopefully, she's made sure that you are their godfather for all intents and purposes. All that I ask is will you please watch out for them. Be there for them and Rosie. Noah, Alexander and Alexis need you. They need my best friend in their life. I know you'll make them laugh, happy and keep them smiling since I won't be able to anymore.**

 **Remember how we always used to make plans to hit up my fave fishing spots? Well, I bought a cabin out on that lake. I switched it to your name before coming back here. Only my dad knows that. Rosie, I'm sure, had a feeling I had done it. I don't think she cared.**

 **There will be more stuff in the will laid out. I'm sorry for leaving you behind. I'm sorry for any and every shit thing I've done in this life. But I am beyond glad I got to serve with you for twenty years and have your back through it all. I'm glad you're my brother, the one man I know I could turn to when shit got rough. You always listened. Hell, I think you were happier than I was when I told you Rosie was expecting that first time. I was scared shitless, but there you were, patting me on the back and smiling that huge smile.**

 **I know you. If I find out you blame yourself for anything, I will find a way to come down there and haunt your ass until the end of time.**

 **Or maybe I'll just fuck with your Xbox and hide all your Call of Duty games.**

 **Emmett.**

I rubbed at my chest and instantly felt my cheeks wet with tears.

"They talked about me being a godparent?" I asked, sounding amazed by the fact.

"Yes. And Rosalie put into motion to make it official. I'll be giving you a paper where she's written it down, and has you listed in her will as their godparent as well. And we know you had to sort yourself out, but I can tell you that Noah is excited to meet you, along with his siblings." Mr. McCarty smiled, then ruffled through some papers. "Here are the papers on the cabin. I've been maintaining it for you. Here are the keys. Also, these are the papers on you being a godparent to the kids. Rosie made copies, she wanted you to have them. And if there was one wish she could grant Emmett, she knew this would be it. She knew how badly he wanted you to be their godfather. You haven't been confirmed, but this is more or less their wishes, and what they want when it comes to their kids."

I took the papers and wiped at my face. "Thanks." I couldn't find much else to say. I was still in a state of shock and sadness.

"One last thing—the will." He passed that over to me as well. "In there, you will find that he left you his gun collection. We have that in storage. You will also find the cabin in there. And here..." He passed me a ticket of some kind. "He also left you an open-ended ticket to a fishing expedition down in the Florida Keys he said that you guys were due to take after this last deployment."

 _Why Emmett? Why were you so prepared?_

"I know this is a lot on you, Edward, and I can't tell you how glad I am that you are finally here and I can give all this to you. I want you to enjoy that cabin and the fishing trip. Do it for Em. Tomorrow, there won't be many people. We've done this memorial every year since his death. It's just a small get together to remember him. I just hope this will give you some much needed closure so that you can release some of the guilt you've been carrying. You don't need that. Em would want you laughing." Mr. McCarty then stood up and held out his hand for me to shake, which I did. I held it firmly in thanks. "Now, come over tomorrow, it starts at one. Our property is big enough, if you need to escape for a few. My wife looks forward to meeting you."

We started to walk out of the kitchen, and I led him to the front door. He surprised me by pulling me into a hug. "Thank you for always having my son's back over there. You're an amazing man and soldier, Edward. Don't ever forget that. See you tomorrow."

I watched as he pulled away in his car, my mind going a mile a minute over everything, but I came to one conclusion. I didn't feel like running, sad or mad. I felt free and happy, and as if I could easily tackle the get together with Emmett's family. I found that I was excited to meet his kids. I still remembered his wife, having met her once before.

After I let them know it was safe to come back, I went back to the table and looked over everything again and reread his letter to me.

Suddenly, I was making plans for something to do with his kids. I also knew just what I wanted to do for them to make up for the last five years.

Sometimes, when life comes at you fast, it's a good thing. It forces you to let go of the bad, and embrace the good and move on.

 **~.~**

 **How are we all? Thoughts? Thank you for reading and each and every one of your reviews.**


	26. Chapter 26

**I hope you all had a fun and relaxing weekend. This chapter is honestly the first time I've ever written something that actually made me tear up. Maybe I'm just overly emo. I don't know.**

 **Thank you to Kyla713 and Packy, always looking over my chapters and putting up with me being a pain in the butt. I loves them.**

 **Anyway, maybe a tissue warning? I do hope you enjoy, even through possible tears.**

 **~.~**

 **Chapter 26-**

The next day, we pulled up to a white and blue house at the end of a long Cul de Sac. Cars were lined up around and kids were running around the front yard, being loud and having fun. My eyes wandered to Bella, who gave me an encouraging smile, silently telling me "you've got this". My parents sat up front, and I was sure they both knew I'd probably need the extra support.

I was barely holding it together as it was.

They didn't rush me out of the car; they let me take my time. But I knew the longer I fidgeted and put off getting out of the car, the harder it would be for me to open that door and get out and meet Emmett's family.

This morning, when I woke, I had decided to put on my dress blues. I figured I owed it to him to truly say goodbye to him in my finest. It was not at all an easy decision for me to make. Luckily, I still had mine up in my mom's attic from when I first came back stateside after everything. She rushed to get them to the dry cleaners.

When she brought them down to the guest house and placed them in my arms, I felt the weight of how important they were weigh on me. The emotions coursing through me...for Emmett and for country, were strong.

I took my time putting each item of my uniform on, and when it came time to button up the topcoat, I gave each button special attention. I carefully pushed it through the hole, shining it after. Staring at myself in the mirror, the reflection that stared back at me didn't haunt me so much anymore. The pride I felt in wearing that uniform took over the depressive thoughts. I grabbed my cap and placed it under my arms.

Inhaling in deep, I closed my eyes and ran my free hand down my coat, straightening the medals and the fabric itself. I knew, being out of the marines for so long, I probably shouldn't have been wearing them, but I figured it was an honorable reason to wear them again. To be safe, I even emailed my old CO and Eleazar; they both gave me the go ahead.

When I opened my eyes, I found Bella in the mirror's reflection, her eyes misty with emotion as she took me in.

"You look handsome." Her voice quivered with emotion as she walked up behind me and gently placed her hands on my back, softly beckoning me to turn around and face her. "I used to always wonder what the dress blues would feel like. If the soldier wearing them would be handsome. You blew away my expectations." She ran her hands slowly down the front of my top coat. Her fingers moved over every medal, my rank and buttons. She then grabbed the cap from under my arm and held it in her hands. Gently, she ran her hands over it before placing it on my head and smiled.

"Do you think this is a good idea? Showing up like this? What if it brings back memories, and not good ones?" I asked, worrying about how my showing up like this would be taken by his family.

"I think it will mean a lot to them to have you show up in your dress blues. It shows you care, while still honoring Emmett." She reached up on her tiptoes and kissed me. "But it is time to go, so if you're ready..."

I nodded. I was as ready as I'd ever be.

Now, sitting in the car, my hand was on the door handle, ready to open it. I got out slowly, straightening my blues and adjusted my cap. Bella came around to my side, her arm threading through mine and squeezed me to her in comfort.

Emmett's dad must have been watching from the window because he began walking out just as I had climbed out of the car. His wife followed behind him. I could already see the tears falling down her cheeks.

Mr. McCarty held out his hand, I met him part way and shook his hand. "Son...I… I…" he choked out, emotions swimming across his face. "To see you in your dress blues..." He hurriedly wiped at face. "This is my wife, Anna. Anna, Sergeant Major Edward Cullen."

Instead of shaking my hand, his wife engulfed me in a hug, surprising me with how tight she could actually wrap her arms around me. After a few brief moments, she stood back, ran her fingers over my top coat. "Don't want any tears on your blues." She tried to smile, but it faltered. "Thank you for coming. I can't equate just how much it means to us to see you here. I know my Em is probably smiling from above."

"I'm sorry I couldn't be here five years ago. I wanted to be, hated that I couldn't. It was hard. I feel selfish having not been there when he needed it most." My lips quivered as I tried to hold back my own tears.

"You're here now, that's what counts. And my son would've understood. You were injured, too. Sometimes, things don't happen how we want, but you're here now." His mom walked to my side and threaded her hand through my other arm. Bella squeezed mine once more. "Now, I know three kids inside who are nervous to meet you and their mom, who just wants to engulf you in a hug."

Slowly, we began our walk into the house, Emmett's dad leading us in. Once inside, I took in the three kids all huddled up together on the couch, somber expressions on their faces, but I was taken off guard by a body slamming into mine.

"Edward." It came out in a sob. I let go of Bella and Mrs. McCarty to wrap my arms around Rosalie. I held her to me tightly as she cried.

"Rosalie...I am so sorry," I said, the words seemed broken as I felt constricted by sadness and guilt.

She pulled back slightly to tilt her head up to look at me. "Nothing to be sorry for. You were with him up until the last minute. You were with him every step of the way. You weren't the one that fired that missile on the convoy."

I held her to me again, gently rocking her. "Still, I'd give anything..." I admitted as I softly kissed the top of her head.

"We all would. It is never the same without him, but to see you here, dressed in your blues, that'd make my Emmett's day." Rosalie pulled back completely out of my arms and wiped at her face. "Well, I know three kids that have wanted to meet you since the first time their daddy mentioned you." She led me over to the couch, and Noah, the oldest, jumped up out of his seat and saluted me, tears running down his face.

I saluted him back, and just as I did, his younger brother and sister followed suit. That time, I didn't hide my emotion; I let the tears fall. I didn't know why they were doing that. I wasn't sure what to think of it, still processing it.

Noah spoke first. "Our dad said the first time we met you, we had to salute, just to get on your nerves. He told us the story how he made everyone salute you for a full week, even when you went out to use the latrine."

 _That was the longest and most embarrassing week of my life. It was awkward as all hell._

I laughed. "Sounds like your dad." I then bent down on my knees and motioned for them to sit down on the couch again. "You never have to salute me. If anything, I should salute each and every one of you for how brave you've been and how well you've taken care of your momma. I want you to know there is never a day where your dad isn't on my mind. He was my best friend, a brother I wished I could call my own. I want you to know that I'm thankful and proud to have served by his side."

All three kids rushed me then, hugging me. I wrapped my arms around them and I didn't let go until the last kid did. Once they did and sat down, I decided I needed to lighten it up a bit. "I know I should've been around the last five years to check in on you guys, but I wanted to make myself better first. I want to make it up to you all, so I was thinking that while I was in Chicago, we could go up to the cabin, pull out some fishing poles? Stay up telling ghost stories? Or if you prefer, I could tell you all of the pranks I pulled on your dad that he probably never told you guys."

They all nodded eagerly. I stood up then, looked back at Bella, and noticed there wasn't a dry eye in the house.

"Of course, that's up to your momma," I told them, turned around to Rosalie, who was now smiling.

"Fine with me. Now kids, why don't you go and play before we head up to the cemetery."

The two youngest ran outside, but Noah stayed behind. "Edward, can I talk to you about my dad sometime? I have so many questions." He was just five when Emmett had passed, the younger two were three and one. So I wasn't surprised if he was curious.

"Of course. I have tons of things I could tell you about your dad. In fact, you know what a camel spider is?" He shook his head no in response. "Well, they are these huge spiders in the desert over there and your dad was deathly afraid of them. One got into our tent, and he ran out screaming like a girl. The CO made him clean the latrines for a week after that." Noah laughed, which was the response I wanted. "I'll leave my numbers and email with your mom, okay?" He nodded, thanked me, and followed his siblings outside.

Rosalie pulled me aside before we left for the cemetery. We were out on the McCarty's back deck, overlooking the backyard. "Did you get the papers? All of them?"

"I did. Thank you. I am still in shock with all he left, and I never knew you guys had talked about making me a godparent, but I'm forever honored."

She smiled as she turned her head back toward the kids playing in the backyard. "He loved you, Edward. He'd tell me all the time how he was your brother in every way. So it doesn't surprise me with how much he left you. And we both knew that you'd be the perfect godparent for those kids. You're not official, but in our eyes, you are, and that's all that matters."

I nodded, at a loss for words. "Thank you," was all I could choke out.

She stepped back and turned toward the back door, walking in, and then came back out with a box in her hand. "There is still one more thing we thought you should have." She handed me the box and waited for me to open it.

My fingers shook as I opened the box. There was a frame, but instead of just a picture inside, there was part of his uniform, last name showing, with a photo of us in Iraq next to a tank. Em's arm was around me, and we were laughing at something. Under that was Em's birthdate and death date, time and place. Down in the other corner was another picture of us, Jasper and Demetri.

"I don't even know what to say. This… I just…" I let out a sob. All the emotions coursing through me were turning me into a mess. I was too caught up in what she had given me, to even fall into an attack, but it was there, just below the surface. "Thank you. I will hang this up as soon as I get home. This means… god, more than anything. It means so much to me."

She was crying again, trying to hold herself together. "We wanted you to have something that you could always carry with you of Em."

All too soon, we were being ushered out to our cars to go to the cemetery. My parents followed behind the McCarty's vehicle. It was silent; not much to say, anyway. Bella knew and just held my hand, still able to offer something in comfort.

Once at the cemetery, we all filed out and walked up to Emmett's grave. The kids told him they missed him and loved him, and Rosalie bent down and placed a kiss onto his headstone, murmuring words I couldn't make out. His parents spoke next, along with a few family members and friends.

I was last. Bella walked up with me, her hand tight in mine. A million words flashed through my head on what I wanted to say; instead, I just let them tumble out.

I placed a hand on his head stone as I began to speak. "Em...I am sorry that I couldn't be there when they buried you. I'm sorry it has taken me so long to get here, but I'm here now. You don't need to worry about your kids or Rosalie. I'm gonna fulfill your wish and watch over them. I'll call them every day, email every night." I breathed in deeply and bit my lip as I tried to hold back another round of tears. "You'll be pleased to know I showed up in my blues for you. You used to hate having to put them on. I remember when we had to attend a Marine Corps Ball and you bitched for a good hour about having to put it on." Bella squeezed my hand again, letting me know she was still there. "Man… you were never supposed to go. You were never supposed leave this world that way, or that soon. I miss you, and every day I'm sorry that I couldn't do more to keep you here."

I looked around the cemetery, and then bent down on my knees and faced his headstone. "Thank you for being the brother I always needed. Thank you for always having my back, all those pranks you pulled and all the times you made me laugh. Thank you for being with me in every step of the way. You were an amazing dad, friend and brother. Thank you." I stood up then and saluted him as I choked back a lone sob. "Semper Fi."

I turned around, noticing only his family remained. They all huddled around me, hugging and thanking me. I was too emotionally spent, so I said my goodbyes with promises that they'd see and hear from me again. Bella slipped Rosalie all my contact information.

Hugging each of the kids, I promised them I'd be at the grandpa's house tomorrow to pick them up and take them to the cabin. We'd spend a night there before I had to go back to Seattle. They seemed excited, which lifted my spirits.

On the ride back to my parents, I laid my head on Bella's shoulder, kissed her neck, and said thank you. She was the rock I needed that day, even if I didn't have to lean on it that much. She did more for me than she'd ever know.

As I watched the sun set, I said one more goodbye to Emmett, smiled, and walked into my parent's house.

 **~.~**

 **How are we all? Good? Thank you for reading and all of your reviews.**


	27. Chapter 27

**Hope all of you are having a good week so far. I can't thank you all enough for all the reviews last chapter. You all surprised me. I think I blushed every time someone called it beautifully written. That means so much to me, so thank you.**

 **Thank you to Kyla713 for putting up with me, looking over all my stuff, and not wanting to get rid of me. And Packy, for all her comments and gifs. Especially the gifs she leaves in my docs.**

 **Enjoy.**

 **~.~**

 **Chapter 27-**

I wasn't sure where Bella ended and I began. We were a mess of limbs cocooned by sheets, sheltering us from the outside world as we kissed, licked, panted and moaned.

After we said goodnight to my parents and made our way to the guest house, Bella took my hand and led us to the bedroom. She didn't say anything. She didn't have to. It was the way she looked at me that told me everything.

Find comfort in me.

Forget.

Admiration.

She worked her fingers slowly up my arms, to my head, where she gently took my cap off and laid it softly down on the bedside table. Her fingers then slowly undid every button as gently as she could before pushing my topcoat off my shoulders and placed it on the back of a chair near us. She did the same to my undershirts, taking her time undressing me. She took care in removing my clothes, careful of my dress blues as she placed each item down. Once I was down to my boxers, she went up on her toes and kissed me long and slow, her tongue slightly teasing.

My hands came up her back, pulling her to me as I deepened our kiss. One on her lower back, the other on the back of her neck, not wanting at all to let her go.

Bella pulled back and turned around. "Unzip me?" She had worn a beautiful dark blue dress to the memorial. The way it hugged her...

I unzipped her dress, moved the straps off her shoulders and helped the dress fall to the floor. While I bent down to pick it up and place it among my dress blues, she stopped me.

"Worry about that later. Right now, I just want to focus on you."

Bella kissed me again, pushing me down onto the bed, where I pulled her down with me. Our kiss never parted as she laid down gently on me. Our hands roamed, searching, touching every bit of skin that we could reach.

Soon, her lips left mine and descended down along my jaw, my neck, and chest. Once her lips trailed down past my abdomen, she gently bit and nibbled on my hips, dragging a moan from me. Slowly, she pulled off my boxers, throwing them behind her. Her hot mouth wrapped itself around me, her tongue teasing with each upward movement. Each time, she went deeper, taking more of me. She felt too good all at once.

"Holy... Bella," I groaned as she brought her mouth down on me again, sucking. "You keep this up...Ah…"

Her lips popped off me, but her hand remained. She moved her body up as she stroked me, a devilish look on her face as she took her hand away. She straddled my hips, and I tried to hold back the urge to push her down onto me.

Her hot center brushed up against me as she bent down and kissed me deeply before finally tilting her hips just perfectly, aligning herself. Excruciatingly slow, she pushed herself down, filling herself with me.

The only sounds in the room were both of us moaning as we connected. It felt just as perfect as it did the first time. I placed my hands on her hips and waited for her to get used to me before establishing a rhythm.

Her hands were on my chest as she shakily brought herself up, before moving back down on me. Eyes closed, she moaned softly as she slowly built up her rhythm. When she pushed down, I'd push up, my hands moving her hips back slightly.

Eventually, our pace picked up, and her breaths came faster. I couldn't take my eyes off her as she rode me. There was something about this, about her, that felt so much heavier this time. Deep down, I knew my feelings had changed; I only hoped that someday, hers might match mine. It was the way she looked at me when she pushed herself down on me; there was something in her eyes, and in her soul telling me what her words couldn't.

We reached our crescendo, one after the other. Soft noises gave way to hurried breaths as we tried to catch them, and allow our hearts to slow down. We were still connected, her upper body now laying down on mine, her head on my shoulder. I moved her hair out of her face and kissed the top of her head.

I had the frightening urge to say three words, three very powerful words, but I held back, thinking that it was way beyond too soon. Instead, I wrapped my arms around her, held her to me and everything felt perfect and right in the world.

"You okay?" Bella asked, while gently sliding herself off me, her head still on my shoulder.

"More than okay," I admitted, and I was. Not just because of what we did, but with everything. I would admit, I did dread that memorial. Only due to the fact that I knew it'd be hard, and so I worried about possible attacks. That was the last thing I wanted.

But I had yet to have one.

"And with today?" she asked, curious. Her fingers tickled nonsensical patterns on my chest.

I knew she wanted to check in with me, see where I was head wise, and I couldn't help but love her that much more for it. She did so much for me. It was always the simple things that made me want to grab her and kiss her in thanks.

"I think I'm more than okay with today and how the memorial went. I only had a couple rough patches. Like with that first meeting with the kids, it broke my heart and healed it at the same time," I admitted, which caused Bella to kiss my neck gently. "And saying goodbye to Em. It hurt, but it freed me, I think. It helps to know how he felt thanks to that letter he left. But I think actually standing where he was buried and allowing myself to find peace in my goodbye..." I shook my head and squeezed her to me. "He gave me a gift today. He somehow placed absolute peace in me, and the okay to move on."

I turned my head toward her, moving hers up to meet mine where I kissed her chastely. "I can't thank you enough for being there for me, for coming here with me. You didn't have to, yet you did. You held me up today."

Bella snuggled closer into me. "I'd do just about anything for you, just to see you smile the way you did when you said goodbye to Em's kids with a promise of seeing them tomorrow. But I think you also need to realize that yeah, I was here, but Edward, you did all of that yourself. I don't think realize how many huge steps you've taken these last few days."

She sounded as if she were proud of me, and when I thought back on it, I found that I was proud of myself, too. I didn't run. I didn't hide, I met it all straight and head on. My reward was gaining peace and the knowledge that sometimes you can't derail fate; things happen for a reason, and I could be okay with that now.

I brought the blankets up around us, covering us both. I saw no point in getting dressed; I'd rather feel closer to her anyway. "And you? How are you? I feel like we've only just focused on me, which makes me feel selfish."

"In no way could you be selfish. You have so much going on, we can focus on me when we get back to Seattle. But I'm okay. I mean that. Funerals and memorials are hard. But this wasn't an entirely somber occasion. I saw light and love surrounding all of you today. And while you were getting ready, I had Skype session with my therapist. It helped."

"Good, I'm glad. I'm thinking I'll check in with Eleazar tomorrow before we head off. Do you think the kids will like it if we pick them up donuts on the way or stop off for breakfast?" I inquired, suddenly unsure of myself.

"They're kids, Edward. Sugar is their life force," she said, laughing.

We grew quiet then, just enjoying being close. "Bella?" I asked, and she tilted her head up to look at me again. "Don't ever forget how truly amazing you are. You are that and so much more."

She smiled in reply. "So are you. I think you need to be reminded of that sometimes."

We kissed one last time before we allowed sleep claim us. I slept the whole night through, not a single nightmare, only happy memories invaded my dreams.

 **~.~**

 **Thank you for reading!**


	28. Chapter 28

**How is the week treating you guys? All glad tomorrow is Friday? We get time with Em's kids this chapter, and I think it went well.**

 **Thank you to Kyla713 for looking of my stuff and seriously not flouncing me yet. Every time I send her a message of can you take one more look, she somehow doesn't block me. And thank you to Packy for all her comments as well.**

 **I hope you guys enjoy!**

 **~.~**

 **Chapter 28-**

Nervous didn't even begin to describe how I was feeling as my mom handed me the keys to her SUV. I was a jumble of nerves, excitement, and fear. The fear, I couldn't explain. Maybe because I'd never truly been around kids, I didn't know how they'd take to spending hours with me, without having their mother around. I knew everything would work out fine, especially after the way they were toward me at the memorial. I was just overthinking things, as always.

I had invited my parents to come along, but they declined. They cited that they wanted me to get to know the kids and not overcrowd them with too many adults around. My mom, being the mother she is, packed a huge picnic, with lots of juices and waters for us, and loaded it up in the back. Dad loaned us all his fishing gear. He still had my kiddie pole that was about as old as I was. I gave him a look of, _Seriously? One super heavy fish and this is gonna break._ He just shook his head and chuckled.

Bella was waiting in the front seat impatiently. She knew I was stalling. "Can you hurry it up already? Knowing kids, I'm gonna bet they had Rosalie up at five due to their excitement. She deserves a break now, and if you want to get donuts, and good ones at that..." She pointed to her watch and tsked.

"All right. Okay. Hold your horses," I said, laughing as I hugged my parents and told them we'd see them later.

Silently, we drove to the nearest donut shop. It wasn't too crowded, but as we walked in, I found that I had no clue which ones to get or even what they'd like.

"Should I call Rosalie and ask what they'd like?" I asked Bella and wrapped my arms around her as my eyes scanned the case of donuts.

"I'm pretty sure they won't mind whatever you get them. But the more sugary, the better. At least that's how it was with me." She laughed and walked me up to the case.

We ended up getting a variety of donuts—probably too many. However, it'd keep the munchkins happy on the ride up to the cabin, which was a good hour and half away.

I pulled up in front of Rosalie's house and got out of the car. Bella opened her door and followed me up to the front steps where I knocked.

A barrage of footsteps running toward the door was all we heard before Alexis answered, looking extremely excited with a huge smile on her face. "Mom says I get to let you in." She grabbed our hands and pulled us inside, leading us up to the front room.

I remembered the house—I'd been there a few times before to see Em between deployments. As I looked around, I was almost expecting to see him come walking into the room, pull me into a hug, slap me on the back as hard as he could and laugh, but no such greeting came. However, instead of wallowing in sadness, I looked at his kids all grabbing things they'd need for the day and giving Rosalie hugs, and I realized I still got to be around tiny pieces of Emmett.

Rosalie came over and hugged both Bella and me. "Thank you for inviting the kids."

"No problem. I'm glad to spend some time with them before I go back to Washington. Are you sure you don't want to join us?" I asked. I didn't want her to think she wasn't invited when I mentioned this yesterday.

"No. I think I'll stay and enjoy some much needed quiet. I want you guys to get to know each other, enjoy the day. I should warn you, Alexis will probably conk out midday. She had me up at five-thirty. Noah was apparently too excited to sleep last night, so he will probably fall asleep on the way, and as for Alexander, he has the most energy out of all of them, so good luck with that." She lightly laughed. "This is the first time since Em's been gone that I've let them out of my sight. Even with either sets of grandparents, I went with them. I was too afraid I'd somehow lose them, too."

Bella pulled Rosalie into her arms. "They'll be safe with us, but if you'd like, I'll text you every hour, letting you know what we are up to, and when we are on our way home, I'll have the kids call you."

"Thank you, I appreciate that. Now, I think they are all ready. They ate breakfast, had showers and are beyond excited they get to spend time with their dad's best friend." She smiled, before turning around and hugging each kid again. She turned back to face us, "Can I get you guys coffee to go?"

"No, thank you, we stopped on the way," I said, just as Bella began to usher the kids toward the front door as they called out their "goodbye, moms!"

Rosalie grabbed my hand. "Stay a minute?"

I nodded, and Bella assured me she'd get the kids situated and that I could take my time.

"I'm sorry, it's just..." Rosalie sighed and nervously pulled her fingers through her hair, pushing it back behind her ears. "I wanted you to take Em's pole. He'd want you to have it. Noah set it out by the garage, just don't forget to grab it, okay?"

"Rosalie…You've given me way too much."

"It's just a pole, Edward. Plus, Em called it his good luck pole anyway, so maybe that will help you score points with the kids when you reel in a big fish." She hugged me one last time and led me to the front door. "Have fun."

I grabbed his pole and put it in the back with the rest of the gear. I slid in, started the car up, and away we went.

The kids massacred the donuts. The first to go were the powdered ones. Alexis was covered in jelly. It was a good thing Bella and my mom thought ahead to pack wet wipes. It took two donuts before Alexander passed out. Noah, though, he was talkative.

"Hey, Edward?" he asked, and I looked back at him in the rear-view mirror and watched him shove the last bite of his donut in his mouth.

"Yeah," I replied.

"Do you remember when you first met my dad? Mom said you guys met at basic?" He looked at me as I kept glancing back, his eyes were huge, full of curiosity.

"Your mom is right, kid. I met him just as we were loading the bus to go to basic. I was scrawny, skinny as all hell, and your dad was a wall. No joke, he was huge. I remember thinking, wow. That dude is gonna be the one to end me. I was put in line ahead of him, and when it came time to board the bus, his shoulders were so broad, he couldn't get in the door unless he went sideways. He ended up sitting next to me, and the first thing he said was, 'Hey man, my name is Emmett, and you look like you could use a friend.' And everything went from there. We stuck by each other, had each other's backs, played some of the best pranks. Your dad was an amazing man, Noah."

When I looked back at him, his eyes were misty and he was looking out the window. "I miss him."

"We all do, Noah, but memories are what will keep him alive. I'm just now realizing that myself." Bella grabbed my hand at my admission.

"What was it like in the Marines?" Alexis asked as she sucked her fingers of jelly.

"Brutal. I'm not gonna lie. There were times I wish I hadn't enlisted, days where I wondered if I'd ever see home again. But there is nothing like the pride you have in defending your country. It was hard work, but great work at the same time. Basic was some of the hardest days. Deployments, we just went with the flow, did what we had to in order to get home."

"Do you miss it?" Noah questioned.

"Yes and no," I told him, just as I turned onto a dirt road that was supposed to lead up to the cabin. "Yes, because the Marines gave me some much-needed structure. No, because I lost too much."

He nodded at my reply and grew quiet. I silently worried I had been too honest. Bella squeezing my hand assured me that I shouldn't worry.

Once we pulled up to the cabin, we braked to a stop. It was beautiful, and Emmett had certainly lucked out. It looked like his cabin was the only one on that side of the lake. The sun was shining, not a cloud in the sky. The water was calm, and deep blue.

We got out and helped the kids out, not worrying about the gear just yet. Alexis grabbed Bella's hand, and the two boys followed alongside me as we came up to the front door of the cabin. I unlocked it and ushered everyone inside. My eyes roamed the walls as I walked in. Pictures of Em's family, his catches, and of us and our friends throughout the years. There was one, on the far-left wall, that was of me and him in full combat gear, sunglasses on, rifles at our back. That was the last picture, if I remembered right, that we took before the attack. Rosalie must have brought it up here.

"What do you think, Edward? Mom says it was supposed to be a place for you and Dad to wind down between deployments," Noah informed me, grabbing my arm and leading me toward the right wall. "Mom came up a year ago and brought a box of pictures and hung them up."

"Feels like home, Noah. I can see why your dad liked it up here, and all these pictures make it ten times better."

Noah smiled at me, and suddenly wrapped his arms around me, hugging me as tight as his little body could. "I'm glad we're here. I'm happy we get to know you."

"So am I, Noah."

Noah decided to help me carry all the gear up to the cabin. He took his dad's pole last and laid it carefully up against the porch railing. "I'm glad Mom gave it to you. I asked her to last night before bed."

"It truly is a gift, but I am curious, why don't you want it? I'm sure your dad would've liked that." I was curious, not that I wasn't happy with it.

"Because I have my own pole that Dad bought me. I don't want to use any other pole." He choked up a little at the end of his admission.

"I can get that." I looked at him, placed my hand on his shoulder. "I'll use your dad's pole with pride then. What do you say we go and get the others, and go on down to the dock?"

We did just that. Only Alexis refused to fish, saying there was no way she was gonna deal with fish guts. Alexander told her that was a typical girly response. She stuck her tongue out at her brother and went back to Bella. The boys and I made it down to the dock, and I helped them sort their poles with bait and cast them out. Bella brought us down drinks.

It was quiet for a while, then Noah went right back to being curious—not that I minded. He asked me what my favorite weapon was to use. I told him my rifle, since behind his dad, it became my best friend since it went with me everywhere, just like Em. Then it was if I'd been in a tank. I told him yes, but that I was entirely too claustrophobic to be in one for long. I chuckled when he asked me what the best prank his dad ever pulled on me was. I went into the story about the time that Em had me believing I was being court-martialed for a prank I had pulled on him that our CO caught. He made up official looking papers and everything. I then warned him that he better not get any ideas. Alexander listened to every answer with rapt attention, soaking in knowledge of his dad.

When the sun was high in the sky, I looked back at the cabin and found Bella and Alexis running around, playing and squealing with laughter.

It made me happy. I couldn't help but smile.

"How about lunch, boys? I doubt we're gonna catch anything at the moment," I told them, reeling in all of our lines.

We met Bella up in the cabin, and she had my mom's picnic all set out. Alexis helped her hand things out. We chatted about anything and everything, laughter being a main component. It didn't take much to make the kids smile or laugh, which warmed me up.

After lunch, we went back out fishing. It took a few hours, but once I handed Noah my pole to watch so I could go and use the facilities, I got halfway up to the cabin when Noah started yelling for me. I rushed down, and sure enough, he had a fish on his line.

 _Lucky pole indeed, Emmett._

Noah worked to get that fish reeled in, and once he got it, it was a good five-pounder. We decided to call it quits then, so we could get the fish home. I put it on ice and told the kids to go play while I sorted all the gear out and put things away. Before we all got back in the car to go home, I pulled Noah off to the side.

"I think you catching that fish on your daddy's pole is a sign for you to have it," I told him, pulling him into my side. "Plus, while I'm back in Washington, I'll need you to take special care of it for me." He nodded, quiet. So I continued on. "I think your dad helped you catch that fish. It's beyond a lucky pole." I smiled down at Noah. "Don't you think?"

"Maybe. I hope so." And then he gave me the best smile, and it made the day ten times better.

Driving away from the cabin brought one of the best days to a close. I looked over at Bella, her head against the glass, eyes closed. My eyes then wandered to the back seat, all three kids were out like a light.

I thought to myself how that day couldn't have gone any better. It was beyond perfect. In my head, I thanked Em, smiled, and continued on home.

I woke the kids as gently as I could as soon when I pulled up to their house. We texted Rosalie as promised throughout the day. We let her know we were on our way, and that the kids couldn't call since they were all knocked out due to exhaustion.

She met us at the front door. Each kid hugged both me and Bella, saying thank you. I brought out their gear and Em's pole, and put them in the garage for Rosalie. I then handed Noah his catch, while he was telling his mom all about it.

I made them a promise that I'd email every day, call as much as I could, and that they could call, text, email me however much they wanted. Then I thanked them for giving me one of the best days I'd ever had.

I pulled Rosalie into a hug and kissed her cheek, making her promise me that she'd call me if she ever needed anything.

Pulling away, we waved goodbye, and I found myself excited for the next time I saw Em's family.

 **~.~**

 **It went well, wouldn't you say? I think I love their beginning friendships. Thank you for reading.**


	29. Chapter 29

**Hope you are all having a great weekend so far. I am aiming to update Devil In Me this Monday. Sorry for the late update on that one.**

 **Anyway, huge thank you to Kyla713 for looking this over. As well as to Packy for her comments.**

 **I'll just leave you all to it.**

 ***Whispers * I really like this Carlisle.**

 **~.~**

 **Chapter 29-**

We were due to fly back the next day after going to the cabin with Em's kids. I was putting off packing for as long as I could. I was ready, but at the same time, so tired of running away from a city that held too much for me, but knew I had to go home.

Eleazar and making me better than what I was becoming was forefront on my mind.

My job, which I'd bet if I truly looked, I could find something similar in Chicago. I knew I had to go home to Seattle, but my heart was in Chicago. So many elements were pulling me back and forth from making it a reality.

And most importantly, there was Bella.

I wondered if she ever thought of leaving Washington behind—if anything was truly keeping her there. When I thought about her, I saw a future with her in it, and I wanted that. I didn't want it to disappear if we had differing thoughts on where we wanted to be.

I shook my head as I stuffed my clothes into my suitcase. The last few days had been emotional enough; I didn't need another highly emotional talk on the trip home. I'd talk to her once we were back home. We'd go from there, I hoped.

Out of the corner of my eye, I came across the picture frame Rosalie had given me with pictures encased in it, along with Em's uniform. I didn't want that going in the suitcase. I also didn't want to mail it to myself, in case it was lost or ruined. I'd pay the extra fee to have it as a carry-on. I wasn't letting it out of my sight until I was back home and it was on my wall.

Bella had left with my parents to do some last-minute sightseeing. I elected to stay home, too emotionally exhausted and just needing some quiet.

Carefully, I laid the picture frame in my carry-on bag, wrapping it in a hoodie I wasn't wearing to protect it. It meant a lot to me, and the last thing I wanted was for it to end up broken just days after receiving it.

I set out my clothes for the next day and put my packed bags by the front door the of the guest house, then decided I'd head up to the main house and get dinner started for everyone. I didn't want them to have to do that after a long day of showing Bella around. I texted Dad to let him know I was firing up the grill, for them to come home soon. Then, I texted Bella to check in on her, to make sure my parents weren't wearing her out too much. They both replied at the same time. Dad with an "okay, I'll stop off and grab some drinks and dessert." Bella, with an "I'm fine, stop worrying. Your parents are wonderful."

There was something about cooking. You could just lose yourself in your task, and all the thoughts that plague you somehow melt away because you're too focused on not chopping or burning off your fingers. Grabbing the steaks out of the fridge, I seasoned and prepped them. I noticed that mom had asparagus and potatoes in the fridge, so I decided I'd grill the asparagus along with the steaks, and bake the potatoes. Next, I started up the grill, and while I waited for that to warm to temperature, I sorted the potatoes in the oven, grabbed all the condiments and set the back table. It was warm enough that dinner outside should be pleasant.

I was staring out at my parents' back yard, when I felt a hand on my shoulder and a gentle squeeze. Turning my head, I smiled when I noticed it was Bella. She leaned in and wrapped her arms around me tightly. I kissed the top of her head before turning the steaks one last time and taking them off the grill along with the vegetables.

"You okay?" she asked, her voice was quiet.

"Yeah. Just thinking." I smiled and bent to kiss her lips that time before grabbing the plates of food and setting them on the table. "You wanna go grab the potatoes out of the oven, please?" She nodded and walked way to deal with that.

Moments later, my dad came out with drinks for Bella and my mom and placed them on the table, turned to me and I could tell he was sad we were leaving the following day. "Want a beer? Picked up your fave from the brewery you used to frequent. They had it in stock."

"Yeah, Dad. Sounds good," I replied, and then met Bella at the back door to grab the plate of baked potatoes out of her hand and tilted my head, motioning for her to go ahead and sit down. Dad came out shortly after and handed me a cold beer, and then we then all sat down. My mom sat across from Bella, and they instantly started chatting about their day, already planning the next time we could be in Chicago and where they would go.

My dad sat across from me, smiling at the women every so often as he helped me plate the food. "This looks great, Edward. Thank you."

We soon fell into conversation about our plans back in Seattle. They were still looking at possible houses, and I almost blurted that I wanted them to stay here; that maybe Bella and I should look instead. But again, that feeling that I was overstepping nagged at me.

My mom took a drink of the concoction my dad made for our ladies and she coughed. "Heavy on the vodka, aren't you, Carlisle?"

Dad laughed. "My hand accidentally shook."

"Uh-huh. Do you buy that, Bella?" Mom asked, tilting her head away from Dad to look at Bella.

"Not for a second." She laughed and winked. "But extra vodka is never a bad thing, in my opinion."

"Now, Esme, see, she gets me." Dad winked at Bella before taking a drag of his beer.

Soon, we were all finished and pushed our plates away. Dad got up to refill the drinks and grab another beer for the both of us.

Once we were all back at the table, it grew semi-quiet. It seemed we all knew each one of us hated departing. It had been a nice time with my parents, even with the events of the memorial. I loved being around them again and not having that suffocating feeling that everything was crushing down on me and that I needed to hide, to leave. Instead, the only feeling I had in my chest was sadness. I was going to miss them, even though I knew we'd see them again sometime soon.

"How did you like Chicago, Bella?" Dad asked her as he played with his beer bottle.

"I really enjoyed it. It's beautiful, and I didn't get to see nearly enough." She looked over at me and her hand met mine under the table. "I'm actually going to miss it, and you guys, a lot."

Mom stood up from the table and walked around to Bella's side and hugged her. "We've enjoyed every moment we've had getting to know you, and I hope that you and I can have many days like today. Whether we move there, or by some miracle, you guys move here, we won't be away from you guys for long. Now that we have Edward in a good place, you won't be able to keep us away." She squeezed Bella to her one last time before getting up and returning to her seat.

"You guys are always welcome here, no matter what. If my son does something to upset you, feel free to show up at our door. We'll most likely take your side anyway," my dad jokingly said.

"Nice, Dad. I see how it is." Chuckling, I placed my arm around Bella and brought her closer to me. I was completely fine with them choosing Bella over me. Since Bella lost Charlie, she could use my dad in her life, and it seemed like they were building an amazing friendship already.

"Well, she's easy to put up with. Isn't afraid to put me in my place, you just go along with my shenanigans and we always get in trouble with your mom. So really, she saves me trouble." We all laughed. It was the truth. My dad would constantly mess with something when we were out and about and trouble would ensue. Like the last time we went to the aquarium and he couldn't resist pushing a bright button that turned out to be an alarm. He was still paying on the fine for that one.

It was growing dark, and after the two drinks my dad made Bella and Mom, they were yawning. We decided then to call it a night and hugged each other goodnight. Back at the guest house, I grabbed Bella's hand and led her to the room. "Bed? I just want to hold you. Just need to wrap my arms around you and feel like us leaving is a good thing."

She gave me a watery smile, leaned up and kissed me softly. "Just let me quickly pack away the things I don't need for tomorrow. I grabbed some stuff while I was out today and I don't want to forget to pack those."

"Okay." I kissed her one last time before turning around and going into the bedroom, stripped down for bed and pulled the blankets down and got in. Then I grabbed my laptop to double check our flight time and itinerary. It was, unfortunately, an early flight home. We needed to be at the airport by six am. I knew Bella wasn't going to be a happy camper come morning, but hopefully, my dad driving us would help buffer that.

Just as I was setting my laptop into my bag after turning it off, she came to the bed, already in her PJ's. I laid down and pulled the blankets back for her to get in. I drew her into my arms and cocooned her there. Kissing her neck gently, I told her goodnight and we soon fell asleep.

The alarm blaring almost set me into a tailspin. I wasn't used to that alarm, or how loud it was, and for a moment, I was back in my tent in Iraq. I could smell the sand, the heat. Hear the sirens over head as fighter jets screamed over us. I clenched my eyes close and curled up in a ball. The alarm was shut off as I felt the bed move, and soon, Bella's hands on my face trying to coax me out of my attack.

"You're okay. You are in Chicago, in your parents' guest house. Breathe in with me. Ready? One, two, three...Now, breathe out slowly, count to ten." She ran her hands through my hair as she tried to soothe me. She was slowly anchoring me.

Once my breathing calmed and I felt like I could get out bed, I pulled her to me, kissed her deeply and sighed out a thank you.

We quickly showered, dressed, grabbed our bags, and met my parents out by their car. My dad's eyes raked over me and it was clear he knew what I'd just gone through.

"Anything you need, Edward?" he inquired, and I shook my head. He nodded and grabbed Bella's bag from her, placing it in the trunk, followed by mine. I told him I'd keep my carry-on with me.

The ride to the airport was silent, but not suffocating. It was the impending goodbye that stilted us. All too soon, we were at O'Hare. We all got out, and since my parents couldn't follow us far, we decided to just have them drop us off outside. The hugs were long; we didn't want to let go. My dad made me assure him that I'd call once we were back at our homes in Seattle. Mom made Bella promise to email every day. Bella was close to tears—in the short days she'd gotten to know my parents, they'd become close. I brought her into me, wrapped my arms around her and whispered in her ear that we'd see them again.

Waving one last time, we grabbed our bags and walked through the airport doors. We checked in, sorted our bags, and went through security. Which was a debacle in itself, with Em's frame. They fought with me about checking it in, but eventually, I won out.

Apparently, I couldn't wait until we were back home in Seattle to start up the conversation that had been bugging me since the night before. So, as we sat down while waiting to board, I took her hand in mine and intertwined our fingers, and held on tightly. "I didn't plan on starting this so soon, and hell, I even know it's too soon to start this kind of talk so early in our relationship, but I can't help myself." I stopped to look at her, to gauge her reaction. She looked intrigued and nodded for me to go on. "Have you always seen yourself in Washington? In Seattle? I know you have Charlie there..."

She gave me a smile, squeezed my hand. "I could live anywhere. I think I am at a point now where I'm okay with leaving. I know he will always be there, and I have all my memories of him in my head and in my heart. Are you saying you don't want to be in Seattle anymore?"

I sighed and leaned back in my chair. "Initially, Seattle was just a place I ran to, to escape anything and everything I could. I had no future plans. I was just simply floating, going through the motions, doing what I had to do to live. But after being in Chicago and seeing Em's kids, I don't want to be half a country away. I know my parents have talked about moving near us, but I don't want them to have to do that, not after everything I've put them through in the last five years."

Bella nodded, leaned back, and laid her head on my shoulder. We weren't due to board for forty-five minutes. "I feel like you're trying to ask me something, but can't voice it."

I rubbed my hands over my face; she knew me so well already. "Would you ever want to live with a man like me? Knowing I'll still have attacks? Is it too soon for me to say I want you with me always? I feel like that's clingy of me, not to mention dependent. I have some of the best sleep with you by my side. I just...I've been thinking. You Skype with your therapist once a week, you could do that from anywhere, right? And well... what if once I am done with Eleazar, which might take a year or however long, we look at houses in Chicago? I'm fine with flying back every so often to go see Em's kids, check in with my parents, show you some more of Chicago, but eventually, I feel like I should be back there."

"I had a feeling that's what you were thinking about as you manned the grill. You looked so deep in thought, then when your dad asked me how I liked Chicago, your eyes went huge. I can't say that the thought hasn't crossed my mind, but can we give it a little bit? See how your progress goes with Eleazar first? I'm not saying no, just give me some time. As for too soon in moving in, I've never lived with boyfriend before, so I don't know. You're honestly the most serious relationship I've had in all my years on this Earth. I feel more connected to you than anyone else. But before we jump into that, let's give it a few more months, re-evaluate?"

I couldn't be mad at her for not jumping up and saying yes to everything I was proposing. She was being smart and cautious, which was entirely understandable. "I think that's a good idea. Thanks for listening to me, though." I leaned over the armrest, kissed her before pulling back and grabbing for my Kindle, just as she grabbed for her magazine, and we spent the time reading until our flight was called.

We both fell asleep on the plane back to Seattle. Once we landed, we were both glad to be back, but at the same time, I think we both felt our hearts were back in Chicago. I called my dad once we were in my car and let him know we landed. Our bags were in the trunk, my carry on in the back seat.

Bella had some things to take care of and clients to check in with once we were back at our townhouses. So, I let her go and do her thing. The first thing I did when I walked into my door was set my bags at my door, grab Em's frame out of my carry on, and go grab nails and a hammer. I decided to place it on the wall facing the door so it was the first thing I saw each time I walked in. Carefully, after I hammered in the nails, I hung the frame up and stared at it, feeling a multitude of emotions washing over me.

In a way, seeing that frame up in my house, gave me a sense of completion. I felt like I'd finally let go of a dark hole in me that was sucking the light out of everything around me. As I looked at Em's uniform in the frame, I felt lighter, happier.

 _Welcome to my home, Em._

 _ **~.~**_

 **Thoughts? Thank you for reading, I hope you've enjoyed!**


	30. Chapter 30

**Nine pm here, so technically I still posted before my post every other day deadline. Barely. Hope you all had a good Monday.**

 **Thanks to Kyla713 and Packy for always looking over my docs, and leaving the best comments.**

 **Enjoy.**

 **~.~**

 **Chapter 30-**

Since returning from Chicago, Bella and I slowly but surely got back into a routine. We both met with our therapists twice a week. I thought, looking back on the month since Em's memorial, we'd both come a long way. I could feel and see the happiness in both of us. Her slumber even calmed where she could sleep all night, no more insomnia.

I, on the other hand, had not experienced an attack since back in Chicago. No nightmares or panic attacks at the mere thought of Em, Jasper or Demetri. Most of all, though—no crushing guilt. It seemed that Em's letter absolved a lot of it, but also the fact that saying goodbye to him helped even more. The moment I walked away from his grave, I felt that Em gave me the okay to live, or rather, I finally gave in to allowing myself that.

There were two more goodbyes I needed to take care of, and I was finally at a place where I could do it. I had talked to Eleazar about it, and he assured me that the quicker I dealt with it, the better the outcome. I only hoped he was right.

One night, two weeks after we came home, I asked Bella if she could be with me when I called Alice to find out where Jasper was buried. I was ready to at least face that goodbye. I was a bit more nervous to get a hold of Demetri's family. I had no real contact with them and wasn't sure how they would feel about me after losing their only son.

As the phone rang, I grabbed Bella's hand and held on tightly.

"Hello?" Alice's voice came through the line, and my heart instantly began to pound. I was sure she'd be okay with it, especially after meeting her all those months ago at Bella's. No matter what, though, I couldn't bury the nerves swirling inside me.

"Alice, it's Edward." My voice echoed my nerves. It was scratchy, and sounded uncertain even to my ears.

"Edward! I've been thinking about you, hoping you'd call. I just didn't want to be a bother," she admitted, but sounded happy to hear from me.

"I'm sorry it has taken me so long to call after meeting you. So much has happened since we last met up. I, um…well, the reason I am calling..."

She interrupted me, not rudely, but because she knew exactly what I was going to say somehow. "You want to know where Jasper is buried, don't you?"

I exhaled long and slow, and lowered my head as I held the phone to my ear. Bella curled into me to be closer, lending support as best she could. "Yeah. I mean, if you don't mind telling me."

"Not at all. Not like I can keep you from it anyway, Edward. I am so glad you are taking this step. Jasper would be beyond proud of you. Bella told me how it was at Em's, and Edward...you've come so far." Her voice got softer toward the end, and I heard some papers ruffling in the background. "He's not buried here, but back in Forks. Bella knows where it is. In fact, he's pretty close to where Charlie is buried. I..." She sighed, and I could hear her try and hold back a sob. "It's hard to be here and not in Forks. I just couldn't be around all those memories, in our old house, when I couldn't see him, hear him. His parents passed about a year after he did. Heart attack and cancer. There was no true reason for me to stay. But if you want, I will be more than happy to accompany you."

I leaned back in the chair I was sitting in and looked to the ceiling, wondering if having her there with me and Bella would be easier. Maybe having her there as well would help in saying goodbye, just like it did to have Em's family at my back. "Thank you, Alice. I think I will take you up on that. I'll have Bella call you when we firm up plans."

We said goodbye and hung up, and Bella immediately climbed up into my lap and straddled me. She kissed me long and slow, wrapping her arms around my neck, her fingers played with my hair. My arms went around her tightly, holding her as close as I could to me. Once we slowed our kisses, I leaned my forehead against hers and sighed. "Thank you, Bella."

She kissed me one last time before pulling back to look at me. "You know I will always be here. Are you sure you're ready for this?"

I nodded. "I feel sure, like I can handle it. I'm in a good place. Alice said she'd go with us, though, I am assuming you'll go with me."

"Of course. Maybe I can talk to Charlie then, too. I have some things I need to tell him, and he needs to know I have you." She smiled, but her eyes were watery, on the verge of tears, so I pulled her back down into me.

"I think that is a good idea. I feel like we're both on a good path now. With all those steps, we're getting somewhere, and man, does it feel good," I admitted and kissed the top of her head as I held her.

"It does."

She stayed in my arms for a while, until my stomach gave the indication that we needed dinner. She ended up calling Alice back after we ate and we scheduled the visit down to Forks for the following weekend. We'd drive down Saturday morning, stay overnight, and drive back home on Sunday. Bella said she still had Charlie's old house and that we could stay there. I asked her repeatedly if she would be okay going back, and she assured me that she would be.

With that in motion, the next day, I met up with Eleazar. Over the last month, he had been working on me with my triggers. I could now walk down the street without my headphones in. I even got on the bus and paid attention to those around me without feeling like I needed to bolt. There was only one bump in the last month, and that was two appointments previous with Eleazar. I was walking down to meet him when a firetruck with a loud horn made me hit the ground and a panic attack followed. Luckily, Eleazar was just around the corner and was able to bring me out of it. I felt, despite all that, that I'd come a long way. I felt more normal, more suited to deal with everyday life now.

We were due to meet at the park we first went to. It was a sunny and unusually warm day for Seattle. I saw him sitting on the same bench, eating a hot dog and sipping a pop as I walked up to him and sat down. I loved how normal he made me feel, and I didn't feel so shackled by being in an enclosed room on our visits.

He pointed to another hot dog and drink that was set down beside him. "I hope you don't mind, but I figured you could do with one after work."

I nodded and thanked him, taking a sip of my drink and another bite.

"You look good, Edward. You no longer look so lost, and caved in on yourself," he remarked, as he balled up his trash and grabbed his empty can. He got up to throw them away and came back as I finished mine. He sat back down and turned to face me. "You amaze me each visit. You've come so far. I know you probably feel like it has been slow, but you've done more in the last month and half than I conquered in three months when I first came back from combat. Yeah, it took you five years to get here, but you weren't trying then. You're kicking ass now, brother." He smiled and shook his head. "I think we can maybe cut you down to once a week. What do you think?"

I took the last bite of my food and chugged down my pop. My eyes wandered across the park, taking everyone in, all the people coming and going. "I think I trust you in your judgment. If you think I can, then let's try it out." I got up and threw my trash away, and Eleazar stood up with me. We decided to walk and talk. I told him about my upcoming visit to Jasper's grave, and he remarked how proud he was of me for taking the initiative and scheduling that trip. He told me he knew it was a huge step and he could see the end game for me; that I was that much closer to the closure I needed, and I was doing it all on my own.

We went through our appointment, talking about how I was handling all the new changes, how I felt about them and where my head was with things. We made plans for the following month to visit a base, to walk around and see how I dealt with it. He said it wasn't necessary, but he figured with me being there, since the military used to be such a huge part of my life, that maybe one last visit to a base would help me find closure in that as well. We'd have to get special permission and clearance, but I was ready for it. At that point, I felt like I could tackle anything, like a new man.

Once we got to the meeting spot where Bella always waited to pick me up, Eleazar let me know he'd call me and set up a new appointment time for once a week and let me know about the base visit. Once I was in the car with Bella, I didn't hold back and immediately kissed her. It was a desperate kiss, but one filled with what felt like a lot of promise.

"I'll take that as it was a good visit?" she asked, chuckled, and then put the car into drive.

"Beyond good. I feel so much better about a lot of things. And Eleazar thinks it's good to cut down to once a week visits," I told her, and placed my hand on her thigh as she drove us home.

"What? That's great, Edward! So happy for you!" She was excited for me, and it showed. I had plans to ravish her once were home. "I have some news, too. My therapist was wondering if maybe you could join us for an appointment before we go to Forks?"

"Of course. You've done so much for me, just let me know the time and I'll work around it and be there." I leaned over and kissed her cheek.

Once we were home, I didn't let her walk to her place. Instead, I led her over to mine, unlocked the door and walked us directly to my room. I slowly undressed her, laid her on the bed and set out to do what I'd planned—completely ravish her. I took my time eliciting small moans from her, letting her enjoy all the pleasure I lavished on her. I kissed her everywhere my lips could, I touched her in all the right places, taking in her reactions. I found my pleasure in watching her fall apart in the best of ways.

I didn't care how long we stayed in bed. All I wanted and needed was to feel her against me. I wanted to spoil her and her body for hours on end, and I did just that until the room grew dark and only the moonlight shone on us.

 **~.~**

 **Thank you for reading!**


	31. Chapter 31

**To answer a question asked in a review about why did Bella not just tell Edward where Jasper was buried to save Edward a phone call...Well, yes, she may have known where he was, but that wasn't what that call was about. Edward wanted permission, even though he didn't have to, to go to the grave. He called Alice out of respect. I hope that makes sense.**

 **Anyway, Thank you to Kyla713 and Packy for always looking over my chapters.**

 **I * think * you may want to grab a few tissues for this one. Other than that, I hope you all enjoy.**

 **~.~**

 **Chapter 31-**

Sitting in on Bella's therapy session was interesting. Her therapist was a small statured woman, with bright red hair and a bit of a Scottish accent. She radiated sunshine and couldn't stop smiling from the moment we walked into her office.

"I am so glad you decided to join us. Bella has told me so much about you." She shook my hand and motioned for us to sit down. "The reason I asked Bella for you to join us was simply because I wanted to meet the man she thought so highly of and who has helped her get to where she is now."

I looked over at Bella. She was trying to hide her face behind her hair, so I placed my hand on her leg and gently squeezed. "It works both ways. She's helped me in so many ways. I wouldn't be here if it weren't for her. She's braver than I am."

"She is. You both are. I hope you don't mind, but she's told me a bit about you, and what you've been through. You don't give yourself enough credit," Dr. McDonnell told me as she reached behind her to grab a notepad and pen.

"I don't mind. After all, it was Bella that opened my eyes to the fact that maybe I wasn't fully living. That I needed to make changes," I admitted and brought my arm around the back of Bella's chair, pulling her closer to me and kissing the top of her head. I didn't care that we were in her therapist's office. I needed that contact, and I had a feeling that she probably needed it, too.

"Bella tells me that you guys are going to Forks this weekend? Staying at her dad's old house?" Dr. McDonnell asked, her eyes darting between Bella and me.

"Yes. One of my men that I lost back in Iraq is buried there. Her dad…" I turned my head toward Bella, noticing that she wasn't emotional—she looked...happy. Perhaps proud that we were both taking this step. Usually, she'd have tears close to falling at the mention of her dad, but maybe therapy and having someone outside the situation was helping her as much as Eleazar was helping me.

"Did she tell you that this will be the first time she's been back since her father's funeral?"

"No, but I had a feeling. She told me months ago that she had to get away, that she couldn't be there anymore. Which, I completely get. Sometimes, it's harder to be around the memories."

"Yup," Bella chimed in. "I loved my dad. I still do, but being there was suffocating. I just missed him so much, and I think had I stayed, I'd still be wallowing and bargaining foolishly to somehow bring him back, even though I know it's not possible."

I could completely understand where Bella was coming from. Our circumstances may have been different, but our grief was still the same. Though, now, we both could see light at the end of the dark tunnel we'd been traveling through for so long.

Her therapist went on to ask how my sessions were going, and what we were doing to help me cope. She also inquired as to how we could incorporate my therapy with hers, so that both Bella and I could move forward together and cope with our grief. She then went on to tell us that it would be good if maybe we had a joint session twice a month for awhile. She even offered, with our permission, to work alongside Eleazar. I promised to bring it up to him in the next visit.

Soon, our time was up. Bella had really opened up about the days before her father passed. I couldn't even imagine how it must have felt to wake up every day, wondering if it would be your last day with your dad, or be afraid to fall asleep, in case you missed that last goodbye.

I could tell that the session was a bit raw for Bella as we walked out to the car. Gently, I took the keys from her, kissed her long and slow, before having her sit in the passenger seat. I drove us to a local ice cream shop and told her that I wanted to surprise her. I knew her love for all things chocolate, so I got her a double fudge brownie sundae to hopefully put a smile on that pretty face. I didn't want my girl sad.

As we ate, I teased her, just to make her laugh. She had the brightest smile when she just let herself be and laughed. The way her eyes would squint, her head thrown back, her hand on her belly as she gave in to those deep, all-consuming laughs. It felt good that I could make her lose it, laugh and be happy.

Work the next day was slow and nerve-wracking. I couldn't sit still; I had to keep getting up and walking around because my anxiety about visiting Forks was ramping up. No matter what I did, I couldn't settle. Eventually, my boss pulled me aside and instructed me to just take an early weekend. I took him up on it and called Eleazar, hoping he could see me earlier. He could, only I'd have to go to his office.

Once there, my nerves were full force. I felt as if I had just run a marathon with how much my body suddenly ached, and how tired and sweaty I felt. When he pulled me into his office and handed me a bottle of water, I felt somewhat calmer.

"What's going on, Edward? You weren't this shaken up when you flew to Chicago. Why is this different?" Eleazar asked, leaning forward in his chair. He truly made me feel as if I were talking to a friend with how comfortable I was in his presence, rather than a therapist.

I sighed, took a huge gulp of my water before I spoke. "I don't think it's me. I don't think it is the fact that I am worried about confronting Jasper's grave, saying goodbye. I think all these nerves are about Bella. I'm worried about whether she will be okay, or if it is all too much for her going to Charlie's grave and staying in his house. I'm scared that I won't be enough for her," I confessed and sat back in my chair, looking up to the ceiling.

"Edward, you care too much about Bella to not be there for her. You're overthinking here. If Bella didn't feel she was ready to do this, she wouldn't. Look at how long it has taken for her to deal with his death properly. You both have come such a long way in the last couple of months. I think you will find this weekend to be eye-opening. You'll find out just how strong your girl is." He grabbed a paper and wrote something down before tearing it off and handing it to me. "That is the address to one of Bella's best friends growing up, and one of Charlie's greatest friends, besides me of course, back in Forks. I think you'll find that if you surprise her with that visit after you guys go to the cemetery, it might make things less emotional, for the both of you. This is life. It ebbs and flows just like a river. We all have our ups and downs, you just have to know how to counteract the bigger waves."

I nodded, knowing full well he was right. Because after Bella's appointment the day before, I took her for ice cream to take her mind off things, and it worked. I brought up the possibility of joint sessions, and signed a release form so that Eleazar and Bella's therapist could talk. We'd work out the rest of the details next week.

Bella ordered in dinner when I got home and I saw that she was already packed. I still had to do so, but it wasn't as much, so it wouldn't take me long. Alice called just as we sat down to watch a movie to confirm what time we'd be picking her up.

Sleep that night was restless. I was again up and down, not at all comfortable. I had to move around, pace. I knew I didn't have to worry about Bella, but my nerves just wouldn't stop. I kept telling myself that if I could handle saying goodbye to Em, I could manage this as well.

The next morning, we picked up Alice and stopped off for coffee before hitting the road to Forks. It was quiet most of the way, none of us really knowing how to fill the silence, or even wanting to. We seemed to all be in our own headspace.

The first thing I noticed as we passed by the "Welcome to Forks" sign, was just how sparse the houses were and how small the town actually seemed as Bella directed me toward Charlie's house. She pulled out the keys and slowly got out once I turned into the driveway.

"I've had someone clean it once a week since he passed to help keep it in good shape in case I ever wanted to come back. It still looks as if he's inside, waiting to come out and meet us," she said, swiping at her eyes, before walking up the steps to unlock the door.

Alice and I followed her, while I carried the bags in. The house was small, but I could see bits of Bella in it. Photos lined the walls, with sports memorabilia beside them. I set the bags down by the stairs as I watched Bella stand still in the living room, her eyes closed as she breathed in deeply.

"It still smells the same, too. Charlie would be sitting in that recliner, TV on some game as I'd make him dinner. He'd call back into the kitchen, telling me the score and what I just missed. I wasn't a sports fan, but I humored him. It gave us something to enjoy together, even if I acted like I cared just for him. Deep down, I think he knew it, but he let me have that."

We spent some time inside before getting back into the car and making our way to Forks' small cemetery. I decided I'd go to Jasper first, if Alice was okay with it, which she assured me she was. I let her go to his graveside first. I watched as she kneeled down and cleaned his headstone. Bella and I hung back, not wanting to encroach on her time with him. Soon, she came back, her face stained with tears. Bella and I then pulled her into a hug, offering comfort.

Then it was my turn, and that time, they hung back as I walked up to his gravesite. I had quickly changed into my dress blues again, before we left. I was three steps away when I straightened my top coat, stood at attention and saluted my soldier.

Taking a deep breath in, I bent down on one knee as I faced his gravestone. "Jasper..." I wasn't even sure what I'd say; my mind was a jumbled mess. For some reason, Em's seemed to have come easier than that time around. "I never thought I'd lose any of the men under me. I was foolish to think that. And I know that I can't say I'm sorry enough." A gust of wind hit, almost knocking me over. "All I wanted was for all of us to finish the last tour, for me to get each and every one of you home to your families safe and sound. I am so very sorry I couldn't fulfill that mission. I tried every damn day to make it come to fruition. The day you, Em and Demetri died, parts of me splintered off. God saw it fit to take three of the best men away from this earth. Three of the best men I had been lucky enough to call friends and brothers." I stood up and saluted him again. "Thank you for your service and your friendship. I want you to rest easy, knowing I will always look over your Alice. Not a day will go by that I won't think of you and the others. Goodbye, Jasper. I wish with all that I am I never had to do this—that instead, I was face-to-face with you, and we were making plans to go out for a cold beer instead. But I'm not…so… I'm so sorry, man."

A tear fell as I stood ramrod straight. I stared ahead and didn't move from his place. I didn't swipe away at any tears; I just let them fall. I felt hands on my back before I could turn around and return to the car.

Alice and Bella both hugged me tightly. "He'd be proud of you, Edward," Alice told me before she let go of me and stepped a few steps away from me.

Bella guided my head down to hers and kissed me. "We're all proud of you."

Sighing, I grabbed both of their hands and led them back to the car. Bella then drove to the other side of the cemetery where Charlie was buried. Alice and I wrapped her up in hugs before she walked up to his grave. I told her before she left that if she needed me, I'd be right there, just say the words.

The second she reached Charlie's gave, she crumpled to the ground, and every instinct in me told me to go to her, so I did. I kneeled down next to her, not caring about the state of my dress blues, and placed my hands on her back as I pulled her into me, letting her cry it out.

Eventually, her sobs quieted down and she placed her hand on his gravestone. "Daddy," she quietly said. "I miss you so much." A sob wrenched loose as she balled her fist up on his stone, her head turned into my chest as she breathed in deeply and tried to calm herself. "I'm sorry that I haven't been back until now. I just had to right myself. I think I deluded myself into thinking that I had grieved you. That...that when you got your cancer diagnosis, I was grieving from that moment on, but I wasn't. I think I had just numbed myself. The day you passed was the hardest day of my life. I felt so alone, so scared. I was so used to having you to run to, to tell me it was okay. Instead, I curled up next to you, spent two hours telling you all of my favorite memories that you gifted me with before the hospice nurse came and pulled me off your bed."

She went quiet for a few moments, her chest heaving with quiet sobs. "I'm finally coming to terms with my grief, but I find I don't miss you any less. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about you, don't whisper off to some unknown void that I love you. You're my daddy. Will always be my daddy." She brushed some fallen leaves off his headstone before continuing. "But I'm better, and I've found an amazing man. You'd love him. He was a marine, and you guys would've had so much to talk about. He makes me smile, laugh, and gives me the ability to be happy. He's my missing puzzle piece." I kissed her head, feeling the same as she did. She was every good part of me. "I love you, and I promise I won't be gone for so long next time. I hate cancer for taking you away from me, but I love that I got that time with you. I wouldn't trade it for anything." Bella kissed her fingers and placed them on Charlie's name before we both stood up and walked back to the car. Alice immediately pulled Bella into a hug. I watched the girls stand there for a few minutes before pulling away.

I told Bella that I'd drive and followed the instructions, and after some time, we pulled up to a brown house just outside of La Push. I turned to Bella, but didn't have to say anything, as she turned to me and kissed me before pushing her door open. On the porch was a man in a wheelchair, and a very tall man standing behind him. Bella ran up and hugged them both. She then introduced us to Billy and Jake. They invited us in, and soon, we fell into a conversation about Charlie and how Bella grew up. It was a night filled with happy memories.

As we said goodbye sometime later, I glanced over at my girl as she gazed out the window while we drove back to her father's house. She looked happy.

"You okay?" I asked as I turned right onto the highway.

"I'm more than okay. I feel good, light inside." From the back seat, I saw Alice's small hand come up and squeeze Bella's shoulder.

It amazed me how the simple task of finding closure makes you feel more alive. There were no more dark clouds hanging over us, making us feel as if we were drowning. Instead, just sunshine infusing you with light.

 **~.~**

 **How are we all? Thoughts? I'd say we are about five or so chapters away from marking this complete, not counting the epilogue.**

 **Thank you for reading.**


	32. Chapter 32

**Before you guys read this chapter, you might want to go and read chapter 31 that posted on Wednesday. You might have missed it because ffn alerts seem to be down. That, and when I went to upload the chapter, ffn gave me an error message. I think alert messages are still down. I will do my best to let people know when this updates in my group and elsewhere if I can. Thank you.**

 **Also, I know it is highly doubtful the events in this chapter would happen on a base, but for fic purposes...**

 **As always, thank you to Kyla713 and Packy for always looking over my docs and leaving comments.**

 **I don't think we need much of a tissue warning for this one. Enjoy.**

 **~.~**

 **Chapter 32-**

The base was bustling with activity. From the moment we showed our IDs and were ushered through the gates, my heart began to pound. I'd never had that reaction to being on my "home" turf before. I'd lived on numerous bases throughout my career, and never had I had the urge to turn around and leave. I was always there for the action, the excitement, and to see new recruits push themselves through the grueling training.

Being on a base now as a civilian was daunting. My eyes wandered all over the place. I had been to that place before; I knew it like the back of my hand. Yet, I felt so incredibly small as I watched soldiers march, train, and jets flying off for training missions. My hands were tightly balled up into fists and I could feel sweat drip down my back. I felt like a livewire, set to go off at any minute.

Eleazar was right next to me, walking in step, not rushing me at all. "You okay?" he asked, as we met up with an MP to show our IDs and pass again, before he then led us to our first destination, which was one of the smaller barracks—empty, of course.

"Yeah. Just..." I sighed and ran my hands through my hair as I walked through barracks' doors. "I don't know how to feel. I should feel completely comfortable here, yet I'm jumping out of my skin."

Eleazar nodded his head and walked further ahead of me to the middle of the barracks and stopped, turning to look at me. "I can understand that. I still feel like an outsider here, even though the military was huge part of my life, as well." He turned in a circle, taking in the room. "What do you feel, being back in one of these?"

I closed my eyes and inhaled. "Memories. So much of my life was spent in barracks around the world. But mostly, I feel as if I don't belong here; this is just a ghost of my past."

"That's mainly why I brought you here. I think you confronting your life before now will help you in the long run. I know you recall your past, and all your years of service. I can see in your eyes that you have no clue why this has anything to do with your PTSD, but it does. You've pushed away everything regarding your service to distance yourself from the death of your friends. Just in the last month alone, you have made incredible strides with confronting that. I think this is just one crucial step you need." He walked toward me, stood directly in front of me and placed his hands on my shoulders, squeezing gently as he looked at my face seriously. "I want you to be _proud_ of your service, of all the good you did, even when you can't see it yourself. I don't want you to go on pushing it away because you lost your friends over there. They wouldn't want that."

I knew what he was saying; I couldn't keep ignoring what made me be the man I became over the last twenty years. The marines were a huge part of my life up until the missile dropped, and I lost three of the best men I had ever served with. I just didn't know if I could actually put up my photos, display my medals, share stories with Bella, my parents, or my friends. I was usually the one running toward the hard things, and all I had done in the last few years was run away from them.

"I get that. Trying to make me confront all that I have pushed away. I've made my relationship with my parents better, actually dealt with Em and Jasper's deaths...this feels like a logical step to make. I'm just not so sure if I can follow through," I admitted and began to walk around the barracks. My mind was assaulted with memories of me and the guys joking around, numerous pranks we pulled, and those instances where we had to jump and go at a moment's notice. Funny how it wasn't even the same barracks, yet still brought back all the memories. I couldn't even bring myself to feel sad. Instead, I found I was happy to relive those memories. I looked down at a made-up bunk and smiled. Em used to joke he'd take the top bunk, but I was too afraid he'd break the thing and it'd all come tumbling down. We always made Jasper and Demetri take the top bunks, while we took the bottom. They hated the top, but they got us back. There were numerous nights where I'd get into bed, only to find marbles, eggs, or whatever they could come up with in it. It was fun, light, and passed the time quickly.

"I can see you're smiling," Eleazar called out from the back of the room.

I left the bunk I was standing next to and walked up to him, nodding. "Felt good to remember some things I have ignored for a long time. So, what's next?"

Eleazar motioned for me to walk ahead. We exited the barracks to find the MP who brought us there waiting outside to take us to the next place. He led us to one of the training ranges, and instantly, my breath came quick and my heart rate sped up. It had been years since I heard a rifle. The last time I heard one, was when I was firing back at where the gunshots came from after the first missile dropped. I had to do something in retaliation. In my mind, I could still see the body of the insurgent on top one of the roofs fall as my bullet connected with this head. I never wanted to take a life, but war is war.

"And now? How are you feeling?" Eleazar questioned, crossing his arms.

"Like I'm back in Iraq, cowering behind a tank with rifle in hand, and just fired a kill shot," I honestly spit out as I rubbed my chest as it ached. My eyes stayed glued on the soldiers taking aim, and I flinched every time a shot rang out. I didn't think I'd ever be okay with the sound of a gun ever again.

Eleazar noticed my reactions and placed a hand on my arm. "It's okay to not be okay with this sound. Even after all these years, I'm not okay with it. I haven't fired a gun since my last mission. I've had no desire to even pick one up. But being here, seeing these soldiers train, I can still find pride in that. Can you?"

I looked around as I tried to push away my nerves as I took in everything. I could take pride in it. I could remember the first time I picked up my rifle in basic and fired that first shot, hitting my target first try. There was pride there, and Eleazar did have a point. I didn't have to enjoy it, or even like it, but I could find pride in that part of my service. "Yeah," I told him, turning my body to face him. "I'm proud of being able to serve and my time behind rifle, and watching the men here train. I'm filled with a sense of pride like I used to have when I'd set foot on the range."

"Good. That's something, and I can't tell you how proud I am that you haven't given up. You've met this all head on. Now, one more place and we can head back to the hotel, and then home tomorrow. We're almost there, Edward."

We had to walk through a major part of the base to get where we needed to go, which was the tarmac and engineering. As we briskly walked down the halls, I felt oddly at home again. There was something about seeing fellow soldiers walk past that made me feel like I did the last time I was on base. There was a sense of camaraderie in the air. Once we went into one of the hangars, I saw a tank off to the side, where new soldiers were learning and working on repairing. It had been six years since I'd been in one, and the last time I was, it was a close call with an IED as we drove down a road in Mosul. That was three months before I lost Em, Jasper and Demetri. Maybe I should've taken it as an omen.

Eleazar looked over at the group's CO and nodded. He began to walk toward the tank, and I followed. His hand brushed the metal surface as he stepped behind it. "Place your hand on it, Edward."

I did as he commanded and closed my eyes. I wasn't even sure why I did that— maybe so I wouldn't back away, pull my hand off the cold metal and stand far away from it, but I held it there. I could hear the engine, the way it sounded as we rumbled down a dirt road, or from inside when a shell was fired. My hand turned into a fist on it, and I found myself angry. Angry at the fact that we even needed one of those things, or that war had to be a thing. Furious that even that hunk of metal couldn't save a life. I took my hand off, placing it down at my side, and took a step back.

"Enough?" Eleazar asked.

I nodded in reply. I'd had more than enough for the time being; we could go before I really let nerves hit.

"Okay," he quietly voiced. "You've already dealt with jets taking off. I don't think we need to do that again. You've overcome that. Hell, you haven't even flinched since we got on base when a slew of them took off for an exercise. And seeing as it's a joint base, with so much activity and noise, you did far better than I thought you would."

"Thanks for your confidence," I said, and for the first time throughout our visit, I laughed and found that it felt amazing to just let go.

We left the hangar behind and walked off base to the car. The minute I got in, I felt the need to check in with Bella. The day felt entirely too draining and I just needed to hear her voice. I palmed my phone and texted her. I told her I'd be calling her once I was back at the hotel.

As soon as we parked at the hotel, I thanked Eleazar for what he did for me that day and apologized for needing to go back to my room. He said he understood, and that if I needed him, to just knock on his door.

The minute I stepped into my room, I grabbed my phone and called my girl. She picked up on the first ring.

"I miss you," I blurted out as I sat down on my bed, elbows to my knees.

She lightly chuckled, and it was music to my ears. "I miss you too, Edward." I could hear her shuffling around, getting comfortable. "How did today go?"

"It went okay, good. I think I needed it. And once I get home, I want to pull out my purple heart, a few other medals and place them up in my office. I also...maybe we could go get some new picture frames? You could help me put up all my photos?" I asked her, as I nervously ran my hand through my hair.

"I'd love to help you with that, Edward. In fact, I think you should place your medals in a picture frame, like one Rosalie made you with Emmett's things. You should hang it up right next to it," she told me, her voice soft.

"I think that is a good idea," I replied before laying back fully on my bed and looked up to the ceiling. "I was also wondering something..."

She hummed into the phone. "Yeah?"

"Do you have any plans tonight?" I asked, my eyes roaming over the ceiling as nerves took hold. "Are you staying in my bed?

"If you want me to." She sounded a bit weary.

"I do. And I want you there every night. I want to be able to hold you, to hear you breathing next to me. Think you would want to be roommates?" I playfully asked the last part, hoping to God she'd say yes.

"Are you serious? You really want me there?" Now, she sounded excited.

"I do. I always do. Even being apart from you this one night sucks. Move over some of your stuff? We can sort the rest later. I don't care if this is too soon, I think it's right for us. I just want you there, always." I'd never been so honest before, but I knew that I…that _we_ needed this. She calmed me, and made me a better me just by being in the room. She helped me focus on someone other than myself.

"Okay," she quietly whispered. "I'll do that."

We talked some more until a yawn escaped me. Quietly, we both said goodnight and that we'd see each other the next day. The second I pressed "end call", I instantly missed her voice. I laid my head on my pillow, closed my eyes and dreamed of the day I could full make Bella mine.

 **~.~**

 **How are we all? I hope you all have a great weekend! I should be updating this Sunday, providing ffn is nice to me. I can feel it starting to wrap up.**


	33. Chapter 33

**Since ffn alerts have been down, you might have missed chapters 31 and 32. You might want to check those out before reading on. Just in case alerts are still down, just know I will post chapter 34 on Tuesday, 35 on Thursday, and the last chapter should be Saturday, unless Edward has other plans and you guys get another chapter before the epilogue. But there you go, the posting schedule, so you'll know when to check back.**

 **As always, thank you bunches to Kyla713 and Packy for always being patient and looking over my things.**

 **I'll just leave you guys to it.**

 **~.~**

 **Chapter 33-**

The drive home felt like it was going slower than the one up there. The hours back to Seattle were passing by at an excruciatingly slow rate. I itched to see Bella, to just hold her for hours and melt away the weekend. I didn't want to discount how well I handled it and just how much progress I had made, but I still felt raw the more I thought about it.

Eleazar, I learned, was quiet like me. He didn't talk too much as he drove. It seemed as if he knew I needed the quiet after the day at the base, though we did talk here and there. He asked me about all my tours of duty, while he shared some moments from his time in the Marines. As I sat in the passenger seat and watched trees and scenery whiz by, I realized that no matter how much I truly had wanted to push it all away, I couldn't. It would always be there. I decided as I watched us pass one semi-truck after another, that looking back wasn't so hard anymore. There was no gaping, empty hole in my chest that hurt like no other pain I'd ever known when I thought about my friends, the men I'd served beside, and my time in the Marines. Now, as Eleazar predicted, I felt an odd sense of pride after all I'd overcome.

Once in Seattle, Eleazar parked next to my car in the lot at the VA where his office was. We both got out, and I fished out my keys from my front pocket, grabbed my overnight bag from the back, and turned to unlock my doors. Before I could get in and drive away, Eleazar placed his hand on my shoulder.

"You did good, Edward," he said, smiling. "I was thinking..."

"This can't be good," I jokingly said as I opened the back door to my car and threw my bag in.

"Ha, ha. Regular joker you are." He glared at me mockingly. "How do you feel about twice a month meetings now? And of course, you can call me anytime you need to. But I don't think you need me as extensively as I first thought. You've been doing so well, and you've overcome almost all of your triggers. Though, I still wish you'd take the prescriptions I gave you to have filled. At least the sleep meds to help you."

"Do you really think I can cut down on visits? Am I truly ready for that?" I scratched my head as I looked at him, feeling a bit unsure. "As for the meds, I don't want to be reliant. I want to try and find healthy ways to cope. I'm not discounting the medicine, I just need a long-term way to deal. At least I want to try."

Eleazar nodded. "I get that. And I respect that. Just know, like I first said months ago, the option is there if you need it. As for if you're ready to cut down, I think so. But what matters most is what do _you_ think?"

I thought for a few minutes, my eyes scanning the parking lot as I ran things over in my head. "I want to be ready. I feel that, in a way, I am, yet I'm afraid."

He tilted his head as he looked at me. "Why afraid?"

I sighed and leaned back on my car. "I'm afraid because I asked Bella to move in last night, she said yes. I'm afraid…what if I have an attack or something, and truly hurt her? Lash out in my sleep? What if I can't get ahold of you if something like that happens?" To my own ears, I sounded as if I was entirely too dependent on this man that brought me so far, and it made me feel foolish. I shouldn't have needed to depend on anyone to get me through my fears.

He stood up straighter and placed his hands on my shoulders in order to make me look directly at him. "I understand your fears. I've had them, and I still have that same fear when it comes to my wife. But Edward, have you hurt her yet, in all the nights you've shared a bed? How long has it been since you last had an episode? I don't think you could ever hurt her. You're so in tune with her, as she is you. As for me not being there, I'll always be there. My personal phone, which you have the number to, is always on. Same with my home phone, my office phone. Bella has all the numbers, too. I'm a light sleeper, so I'll always answer. You've got this, Edward. Don't shortchange yourself now." He brought his hands down to his sides and stepped back. "Now, I think you have a certain brunette back home that is waiting for you." He smiled, twirled his keys in his hands. "Let's give it a trial this month of two visits, we will see how it goes. Okay?"

I nodded in reply. "All right." We then said goodbye, made plans for my next visit, and I got in my car to drive home. Pulling up into my driveway, I found that beautiful brunette waiting on my porch, with two glasses of what looked like iced tea sitting next to her. She had a radiantly beautiful smile on her face, and I couldn't wait to wrap her in my arms and kiss her with all that I was.

My girl stood up, her hands in her back pockets as she shyly smiled at me. I got out of my car and walked up to her, pulled her to me, and kissed her as hard as I could. I hoped with how desperate the kiss felt, she could feel just how much I missed her after only being apart a little over twenty-four hours. I pulled back, looked at her, and smiled. "I missed you so fucking much." My lips met hers again for one more kiss.

"I think I like the way you come home and kiss me senseless." She was blushing, and it made me want to take her inside and keep kissing her until we lost ourselves in one another.

"I'll kiss you like that always, love," I told her, grabbing her hand and intertwining our fingers as we sat down on the porch. She handed me one of the glasses, and as we sipped, we talked about our days. I told her all about the base, the ride home, and how Eleazar felt I could do bi-weekly visits. She was happy to hear how well I was coming along.

"So, roommate, all moved in?" I teasingly asked, draining the rest of the liquid in my glass and set it down.

She shoved me playfully. "Yes, roomie. Well, as much as I can be. I just moved over my important stuff for now, and clothes. I wanted to wait for you to do the rest. I also wanted to talk about what we discussed in Chicago."

I turned my head, wrapped my arm around her, and pulled her closer. "About moving there?"

She nodded. "Are we still thinking a year?"

My heart was pounding. Did that mean she was saying yes? "Yeah, I figured that would give us enough time to sort things here and find a house for us in Chicago that we're both happy with, and for me to ask for a transfer to the Chicago office."

She nodded again, quiet as she looked out over our street. "I've been emailing your mom..."

I groaned. I really hoped my mom didn't send her more baby pictures or incriminating stories about me. "Oh?"

"I told her in the last one we wanted to move to Chicago." She turned head toward me with a crooked smile in place. "She's looking for us. Hope you don't mind. I kind of wanted to surprise you. Plus, not like I can say no to you now anyway."

I drew her to me and kissed her long, slow and deep. Ending the kiss, I mindlessly grabbed our glasses, pulled her up with me, and walked us into our house. I didn't take the time to look around at any new additions of her stuff. I dropped the glasses off in the kitchen and led her down the hall to our room. No words seemed to come to me, only the need to make love to her.

I stripped her slowly, kissing everywhere my lips could touch. I had her lay back on the bed, and I began to take my time with her. Touching and kissing all over, making her gasp in pleasure. Stripping off my clothes, I didn't take my eyes off her for a second as I watched her eyes rake over me as she laid still, watching as I slipped a condom on. I crawled up her body, and the minute I was seated deep inside her, it felt as if all the puzzle pieces that made us, clicked into place. It stopped my breath and made my heart skip a beat. I knew then that there would never be another. She was it.

The way we moved with each other, so in sync, made our approaching climax all the better. We both held on to one another desperately, clinging to each other as tight as we could as we rode out our bliss. I kissed her all over her face, murmuring sweet words and promises. Gently, I pulled out, rose from the bed to clean up, and came back with a washcloth to do the same for her. After discarding that, I got back into bed, and pulled her close to cuddle up next to me.

Running my fingers through her hair, down her back, and then back up again, I whispered, "Bella?"

"Hmm?" she sleepily replied.

I took my fingers and gently pulled her head up towards me, and kissed her. "I love you." Those three words seemed so simple to voice now, but at the same time, so incredibly life-altering. I wanted to say more, make my declaration seem deeper somehow, but those words were all that came and it was enough.

It was everything.

Her breath hitched as she pulled me tighter. She tilted her head back as far as she could and she kissed me up and down my jaw, and then finally my lips. "I've wanted to say those three words to you since the night of your worst attack months back. I love you, too, Edward."

When she said it, that last puzzle piece I'd been blind to, finally clicked into place. I sighed, happy and sated, and kissed the top of her head. "I find myself thankful for you every day. You make each one better than I ever thought possible."

We fell asleep tangled up together, and woke just the same. Either of us didn't want to move from what we shared in that bed the night before, but the sun was invading and work called.

Just before we left the house to head downtown, I checked my home phone messages since the red light was blinking. I was filling my coffee when a gravelly voice came across the line. I'd only heard that voice once before, and it was when I had personally called Demetri's parents after he passed to offer my condolences. It wasn't the best phone call on any terms, but to that day, how it went still tore at me.

I didn't even listen to the entire message, too clouded in my thoughts to focus. All I did hear was a number and a request to call them. As my voicemail beeped one last time, I felt Bella's hand at my back.

"Let's just take today and focus on what we had last night. We'll call them tomorrow," she said quietly before wrapping her arms around me from behind.

I'd try to do as she said, but I couldn't make any promises. I knew it would be entirely impossible to focus on the moment. I had called them a few weeks back after I got home from Em's memorial. I left a message and never heard anything from them since, until now.

I wanted to be excited that the last piece of confronting my grief was dangling right there in front of me, but the fears that his family may hate me, justifying the guilt that I'd carried, might be my undoing. With how far I'd come, I didn't want to fall backwards. I wanted their okay to visit their son's grave. I wanted to, again, apologize. I selfishly needed that last, final "we forgive you; this wasn't your fault".

With one last look at the house phone, I grabbed the car keys and left my house with nerves eating away that they'd tell me to fuck off, and that they hated me. Sometimes, there was no way to keep the anxiety from eating away at me. It was there, mocking me, eating a buffet of all my self-doubts.

That time though, I'd be strong enough to beat it.

 **~.~**

 **Hope you all had a good weekend. Thank you so much for reading.**


	34. Chapter 34

**Well, ffn alerts are still down, so you might want to go back and see chapters 31,32 and 33 before reading this one, just in case you missed those and didn't know they updated. One more chapter of this one left, guys. Then a epilogue to follow. So check in Thursday and Saturday. As for Devil In me, Look for one on Monday.**

 **Thank you to each and every one of you that is trying to keep others alerted that this fic updates, along with many others.**

 **As always, thank you to Kyla713 and Packy for always going over my docs.**

 **Enjoy.**

 **~.~**

 **Chapter 34-**

My anxiety over Demetri's parents was ramped up to the point that I couldn't focus on my job. I was spacing out after work and burned a meal for Bella and myself a few times. A case of the what-ifs were plaguing me and I couldn't get my mind to stop. On my worst night, while I waited once again for Demetri's parents to call me back, I was restless. I woke in a cold sweat as I laid next to Bella. Dreams and worries made it hard to fall back to sleep.

 _What if I can't have this last goodbye? What if they don't want to allow me to visit his grave? What if I fall back into the way things were before if I don't close this last door?_

When I looked at the clock, I noticed it was two a.m. Sleep wasn't going to come back to me that night. I turned over, gently brushed Bella's hair out of her face, and kissed her softly before I got out of bed. I felt like I was crawling out of my skin; I needed to walk, to do anything to get the feeling to abate.

Around three, I gave into the frustration of no sleep and dialed Eleazar's number. I felt bad for waking him or his wife, but I needed someone who could truly understand.

It rang three times before a sleepy, crackly voice answered. "Hello?"

"I can't sleep," I gushed out, and instantly felt stupid.

"Edward?" I heard a yawn, some background noises, and then a door softly click close. "Are you okay?"

"I'm so incredibly sorry for calling so late...or well, early in the morning. But I feel like I'm coming out of my own skin." I closed my eyes and leaned back on the couch I had sat in moments before.

"What has you wound up? Bad dream?" he asked, his voice sounding more awake.

"No, worries. Fears. Fuck, I don't know," I replied, anxiety and frustration battling inside me.

"Okay. Let's break this down. What are you worrying about?"

I sighed. What _wasn't_ I worrying about? It seemed like anything and everything was on my mind lately, but I'd start with the main one. "Demetri's parents. Them saying no, telling me to take a hike. I don't know. I mean, I do know that I could just go and say my goodbyes, I don't need their permission, but deep down, I need that consent, if that makes sense. And I am worried they will say no, and I will have this last piece of closure just floating in front of me."

"You respect them. You respect your fallen brother. I get it. You want that validation that it is okay to say goodbye, that you're not upsetting his family doing this five years later. I don't think they will tell you no, and I know that you're impatient because you have jumped over a lot of hurdles the last few months and now you see that finish line. It was closer, and now it seems farther away than you thought, but you'll get there. You just have to take it a stride at a time." Eleazar's voice was serious. "I've been where you are before. It took me months to say all my goodbyes. His widow and his parents didn't think I needed it or that it was right. That and they flat out blamed me, hated the military after it. Can't say I blame them. But Edward, everyone deals with losing a loved one differently, and I think if they're the good people you told me about, then I can't see them denying you. It might help to ask yourself, am I overthinking this?"

As usual, Eleazar was right. I needed to get out of my head. "You're right. I'm focusing too much on the negatives. Though, it's hard not to."

He hummed in response. "Like I said, I get it. You're finally at a place where you feel good, happy, and like you could move mountains. But you have one small pebble in your way, mocking you. It's frustrating, but you'll cross your finish line." I heard some shuffling around, a muffled voice before Eleazar came back on. "Is that all? How are things with Bella being there?"

I smiled at the mention of Bella, and my eyes wandered back toward my room where my sleeping girl was comfortable in my bed. "Things are great with her here. I like not being so alone, and for some reason, she makes sleep better and easier. But tonight..." I sighed and rubbed at my face.

"Tonight is just a tiny blip. I know it's hard, but don't worry. It will all work out," he calmly told me and yawned again. "I'm glad you called me. Means a lot to me that you did."

"I'm thankful I have you in my corner," I admitted, standing up to stretch.

"Why don't we meet up for lunch later, have a better, longer chat? We'll see where you're at then. Okay? Try and get some sleep."

We said goodbye, and I instantly felt lighter in my chest after that talk. I laid my phone down on the counter and walked back to my room. I got into bed and wrapped my arms around Bella, softly kissing her neck as I fell back to sleep.

Eleazar and I met up and had lunch. We hashed out more of my worries and fears, and it felt good to lay them all out and have someone besides me sort through them and help me cope. It definitely made going through the week and waiting for Demetri's parents to get back to me easier.

It took a few days of phone tag to line things up with Demetri's parents. They seemed nice, but I could sense the reluctance in their voices. I, again, expressed how sorry that their son was taken too soon. That I would never forget him for as long as I lived. They were quiet, only talked a few times. Once to give me the address of the cemetery and the directions to the plot. I completely understood why they didn't want to meet me. It wasn't a requirement; I selfishly just wanted to meet them face to face, give us all closure if I could.

His dad, in his shaky emotion-filled voice, said they just couldn't do it. It wasn't that they blamed me, or hated me. It was the reminders, which I totally understood. The last thing they needed after grieving was an ex-marine showing up at their door to offer condolences and apologies. I'd at least give them that.

I made plans to fly down to California to at least give myself closure, and say my goodbye. The final trip had been on my mind a lot and how much I'd truly overcome. As I thought about it, I never truly believed that I'd ever make it this far. I'd always seen myself as just going through the motions of each day, not at all caring about the outside world. And all it took to break me out of coma I'd placed myself under was a certain brunette..

Bella and I were cuddled up in bed, her body wrapped around mine, her head on my chest as I played with her hair. "I think I should do this one on my own."

Bella's head snapped up in surprise. "You want to fly to California all alone and say goodbye? You don't want anyone at your back?" she asked, worry lacing her tone.

"I feel like I need to do this. To prove I can do it without relying on you or anyone else to get me through it." I tugged her closer to me. "I need to know that I'm strong enough to do this. You and Eleazar have helped me so much, I just need to know that I can help myself."

She kissed me, then clung to me. "I trust you in knowing what you need. I just hate that you feel you must do it alone, but at the same time, I get it."

Days later, I found myself boarding a flight down to San Diego. The nerves were there as I grabbed my bag and got my ticket ready. I kissed Bella goodbye, long and slow, and promised I'd call her as soon as I landed, and anytime that I needed her. I could tell she was worrying, and I tried my best to quell those fears. We hugged once more before I shouldered my bag and walked away from her. The urge to turn around and grab her hand to drag her with me was strong. Instead, I kept walking until I got to the airline kiosk.

The plane ride felt like it dragged. Not once did I put in my earphones and crank up music, though, the way I used to when faced being around masses of people, and loud noises. I read and stared out the airplane window at the world below.

Once I touched down in San Diego, I called Bella as I waited for my bag. I had to keep reassuring her I was fine, that'd I'd be okay. Since it was a bit late in the evening, I got my rental car and drove to the hotel nearest to where I'd be, and checked in.

That night, I fell asleep with Bella's voice in my ear. I had become so used to having her near me, it was the only way I would fall asleep.

Driving to the cemetery the next morning turned me into a ball of nerves. In my packing, I had forgotten my dress blues, but luckily I had packed a suit and tie anyway. At least I could look presentable. I had only known Demetri for a short while. He was barely two months into his latest tour under my command, when he was killed. I didn't know him the way I did Jasper and Em, but I still took him under my wing and brought him into our group fold. He was a great guy, funny and shy, but get him mad, and you were better off just conceding defeat.

He was a fantastic guy to know.

I parked the car at the front of the cemetery and decided to walk the roads to where he was buried in the far back. There were tall pine trees all around, a lot of shade, and mausoleums scattered throughout. As soon as I reached his, I bent down on one knee. I cleaned off his head stone, clearing debris and pine needles.

"I feel like I've been repeating myself a lot lately. First with Em, and then Jas. But D... I am so incredibly sorry. I know it doesn't mean much now, but I am. I never wanted this for you. You were the baby of the group, the youngest. You had so much life left to live. I sometimes wonder if only I had seen the ambush sooner, if only I had called out that missile faster… if only…" I choked back a sob. The what-ifs would get me nowhere. "I never wanted your parents to ever have to get the call you had been killed, and that kills me inside. I wanted so much more for you. If I could've trade you places, I would have. I don't know why I was lucky, if you can even call it that." I snorted and shook my head before sighing. "Look...I am so incredibly thankful I was able to call you a brother, still am. To get to know you, to serve alongside you...thank you for that gift. Thank you for being the best person, friend, soldier you could be. I'm sorry for the last five years, and I'll be sorry for a million more."

I stood up, wiped at my face, and saluted him one last time. "Thank you, D. I hope to have a heart as big as yours." I muttered a goodbye before I turned around and walked back down the roads to my car, looking down at the ground the whole way.

Once in the car, I texted Bella to let her know I was changing flights. I was going to come home that night instead of in the morning. She knew instantly that I needed her. She was going to call the airline as soon as she got off the phone with me, and then call me back once I was at my hotel.

While I was proud of myself for conquering that last goodbye on my own, I found I still missed the important people at my back. It hit me harder than I had expected it to.

I didn't stay at the hotel long. I checked out shortly after Bella called and drove to the airport. Once I was back in her arms, I'd be okay.

Later, after the plane took off, I finally felt like the last door had been closed and I had the okay to truly move forward.

To live.

To be happy.

To be me.

 **~.~**

 **Thank you for reading. Please, if you can, spread the word of the update. Just one more regular chapter left, and then epilogue.**


	35. Chapter 35

**This is the last regular chapter of Stricken. As I wrote THE END today, I was a bit * pouts *. Anyway, it looks like alerts are working now, so for those of you that might need to catch up, you may want to read chapters 30-34, so you don't miss anything. The epilogue will post Saturday.**

 **As always, Thank you to Kyla713 for always reassuring me and looking this over. Packy as well, along with her comments.**

 **And you guys. Thank you for sticking with me. I'll do proper thanks in the Epilogue.**

 **Anyway...enjoy.**

 **~.~**

 **Chapter 35-**

Waking up next to Bella every day would never get old. I counted myself as one hell of a lucky bastard to open my eyes each morning and find her beautiful face and warm body next to me. The way she'd stretch before opening her eyes before looking at me and smiling—I'd never tire of it.

I found that each morning we shared together, I fell more and more in love with her. It was in the way she'd talk to me if I woke up and couldn't sleep. The way she'd cling to me if she just needed me to hold her. How she'd bring me down if I did have an attack—which were becoming fewer and farther between. I hadn't had one since after I came home from San Diego a few months back.

She encouraged me in ways that amazed me. She somehow knew just when I was doubting myself, second guessing something, and I'd get a text telling me to breathe, step away and come back to whatever was bothering me later.

I sometimes wondered if she knew me better than I knew myself. We were that in tune with each other.

Both of our therapists had cut us back to once a month visits. Though, we saw Eleazar more often. He'd become a close friend to me, and not just my therapist. We'd meet up for baseball games, fishing or just to catch up. Honestly, he was more like a second dad to me. We both had individual appointments, but we started meeting with a separate, new counselor for joint sessions. Even those visits were becoming infrequent. It felt nice to know we were both at a place where we could just be, and enjoy whatever life brought us now.

I still kept my promise to the guys. I frequently checked in with their families. Em's kids constantly texted or emailed Bella and I. Rose kept us up to date on how they were doing, as well as herself.

We also met up with Alice once a week. It was nice getting to know her. I thought to myself often about how suited she was for Jasper, which then always broke my heart. They deserved to have each other. I prayed constantly that they'd find an eternity of happiness together in another life. A couple of weeks ago, she informed us she was taking up an opportunity to work at an overseas firm for the publishing house. Both of us were happy and excited for her.

Demetri's parents...there wasn't a day that went by that I didn't think about them. Bella gave me the idea that I should write to them. If they read it, they read it. If they didn't...well, that was up to them. I picked out a picture I had from back on base in Iraq of Demetri laughing at something Em had said. Jasper was standing behind him, hunched over, clutching his stomach in a full out laugh. I had my arm around Demetri, acting like I was giving him a noogie, as I laughed as well. It was another friend that had taken that picture. I found that I was glad he did. It was a good memory.

I had the picture put on the front of a custom-made card. In it, I wrote that, first and foremost, I was incredibly sorry for their loss. That their son was a man I was happy to have had the chance to get to know, and be able to serve alongside. I let them know how much I struggled to come to terms with his death, that there wasn't a day that went by I didn't think any one of those men. Each one was always on my mind. In the last part of the message, I left my contact info, giving them the option to talk to me if they ever wanted to. I'd be more than happy to share anything they ever wanted to know about their son's time over there, and I'd be there if they ever needed anything. I'd drop everything to help them.

I sent it off three weeks after I got home from the visit to San Diego. A week later, I had a reply in the form of a visit. I was getting ready to walk out the door to head to work when there was a knock. Bella was still asleep, after being up all night sick, so I let her be. I answered the door and found two people standing on my steps, looking nervous as hell.

I opened the door and stepped out. I had a feeling I knew who they were, but before I could say anything, I was suddenly wrapped up in a hug from a short woman, sobbing into my chest.

Holding onto her tightly, I turned my head to her husband, who held out his hand. "We're Demetri's parents. I'm sorry to surprise you like this, but I knew if we called, we'd find a reason to turn right back around. And I didn't want to disappoint you or my wife, if we had done just that. My name is Alexie, and my wife, who is making a river on your shirt, is Klara."

I gently tightened my hug on Klara as I rubbed her back, in the hopes of calming her. "I'm glad you came. I'm really happy I get to meet you. Why don't you come in? Let me make a quick call and I'll be right back with you." I grabbed Klara's hand and led them both into my living room. I offered them drinks, both saying they wouldn't mind a cup of coffee, black. I set about doing that as I called into work, letting them know I'd be late.

I walked into my living room, where I found Demetri's parents looking around at the pictures I had put up. His mom was staring at the same one I had made a copy of for their card. His dad was staring at the frame Rosalie gave me of Em. Neither of them said anything when I came in. I motioned for them to sit down and handed them their coffee.

"I hope you guys don't mind that I mailed you that card. I just felt I had to do something, but also wanted to respect your wishes," I told them, my hands clasped.

Klara set her coffee down and got up from her seat next to her husband and sat down beside me. She grabbed my clasped hands and held them in hers. "I think we've spent so much of the last five years in the wake of his death grieving, that we didn't want see sunshine again. We were afraid if we had met you when you came to say goodbye to him, that it would set it all off again. We'd become so consumed by our grief, it was all we'd known."

As she looked down at our hands, I spoke. "I know that all too well. I was barely existing, just going through my days. I felt like I was responsible for losing those men. Even now, a small part of me still feels that way. I can't tell you how sorry I really am that I couldn't bring him home alive to you guys. I know he's your only son..."

Alexie interrupted me. "If we are honest, we wanted someone to blame. We wanted to blame you, the military, anyone, really. But we've come to the realization that you didn't throw the bomb. You didn't make our son join the Marines. You didn't cause this war. That blame falls on world leaders. We don't want you to feel guilt over us losing our son. It wasn't your fault. Most importantly, God obviously had other plans for him."

Both of his parents wiped tears from their eyes. Alexie then looked over at his wife and gave her a nod. She then pulled out a wrapped box from her purse. "We wanted you to have this. Please open it."

I carefully pulled my hand out of hers and opened the wrapped box. In it, I found letters written in Russian. I turned my head, hoping she'd tell me what they said.

"He wrote home to us a lot in those two months. He was really homesick, but he wrote about you guys. I want you to have these letters. He shares his first thoughts on you, the other guys. We want you to know that he looked up to you, wanted to be the soldier you were. They are in Russian, but I translated in English. That is why there are two sets. I think he'd want you to know his thoughts." She showed me the English translations before grabbing her coffee and drinking.

"Thank you for this gift. I can't..." I suddenly felt overly emotional. "I can't tell you how much it means to me that you want to share this with me. Your son was a great guy. He was a lot of fun and worked hard. You raised an amazing young man."

Klara sniffled, and his father stood up and came to stand in front of me. He held out his hand for mine and we shook. He surprised me by pulling me into a hug. "I'm sorry we couldn't meet you when you were down in San Diego, I'm wishing we had now. But past is past."

We sat a down a bit longer, and I refilled their coffees. They told me about coming to the United States, how they took Demetri back for a visit to Russia, and that he dreamed of joining the Marines, so that he could do his part in being an American. It meant a lot to him, coming from immigrant parents, to be able to do something such as that.

In turn, I told them stories about how he was on base, about when I met him, and the first time Em decided to play a prank on him. It resulted in Em being sent to clean latrines for a month. He had rigged Demetri's bunk with mouse traps and shaving cream. D ended up getting Em back about a month later by locking him in the latrine overnight. The CO overlooked that one, saying it was all in fun and payback. Em wasn't so happy. I also told them about a small girl he had saved back in Baghdad from a possible suicide bomber. I let them know just how much good he did do. I felt like they needed to know that he did make an impact.

In total, we spent about an hour talking. When we said goodbye on my porch, they promised to check in with me as often as I could. I told them I'd call at least once a week, and that they were always welcome to visit.

After they left, I walked back to find Bella awake. I told her who had visited, and she smiled at me, telling me she was glad they came. Next time, she'd be more with it to come out. As I took her in, she looked pale.

"You okay, love?" I asked her, pushing her hair out of her eyes.

She nodded, but didn't seem absolutely sure.

"Okay. Well, call me if you need anything. I sorted breakfast for you out on the counter, if you want it. And there is coffee." At my mention of coffee, she bolted up, hand over her mouth and ran to the bathroom.

I had a strong suspicion as to what was going on, but I said nothing. I followed her in, held her hair as she threw up. Once she was feeling well enough to go back to bed, I kissed her forehead and let her know I was heading to work.

I drove her crazy while I was at work with my constant need to check in. She eventually told me to leave her alone, that she needed sleep. So, once the day ended, I hurried home. As I walked in the front door, I noticed how quiet it was. I went back to our room and found it empty. I looked all over, until I went to the back yard. I stepped through the sliding doors and noticed my parents, Alice and Rose off to one side. On the other, all of Em's kids, and Demetri's parents. Bella stood at the center, looking as radiant as ever.

Bella walked up to me and wrapped her arms around me before looking up. "I'm guessing you didn't take notice of the date today?"

I shook my head. "Had too much on my mind," I admitted as my eyes raked over all the people on our patio.

Suddenly, a chorus of "Happy Birthday, Edward!" rang out. I soon found myself engulfed in hugs as Em's kids wrapped their arms around me, and Bella held on to me as well. I had so much on my mind, I didn't even realize it was my birthday. The surprise visit... Bella being sick… work. Everything.

I was momentarily stunned. "Wow. This is amazing. Thanks!"

Before I could do much of anything, Em's kids pulled away from Bella. "We have stuff for you! You have to see. It is very important." I followed them down the stairs of my patio and into my back yard, where I found Eleazar standing next to a golden retriever, who was sitting by his legs. Eleazar was smiling.

"Mom said that these kinds of dogs are great with helping vets overcome their PTSD. He's trained and everything. We know how hard you've worked, but we asked Mom if we could do something like this for you." Em's oldest informed me, and then pointed at his chest. "I then called Bella, who got me in touch with Eleazar, who got me in touch with the organization that does this. I campaigned for the funds for him. Edward, meet Bucky."

I bent down on my knees and ruffled the dog's fur. Eleazar then handed me his leash. "We've arranged for his helper, the one who trained him, to come by shortly to run over his commands. You'll start working with him one on one for the next couple of months before you guys move to Chicago." We shook hands and he wished me a happy birthday.

Bella came back around. "I hope you don't mind. I wasn't sure if you'd want a dog, but I think it will be a good thing for you. I know I should've asked first, but they wanted so badly to surprise you. It took them months to put this in motion."

I couldn't be mad. I was too happy, and I looked forward to working with the dog.

I mingled a bit with everyone, before my dad started handing out food from the BBQ grill. Rosalie, while her kids were occupied, pulled me aside. She handed me a set of tickets. I quirked an eyebrow up at her, which caused her to laugh.

"Remember that fishing trip Em had planned for you guys? Well, you and my boys will be heading down to Florida this weekend for a two-day fishing trip. Your parents bought the plane tickets, Bella sorted the boy's fishing license and tickets. You guys are all set. And don't worry, Bella will be going with you all."

I laughed, hugged her, and found that I couldn't wait to fish with her kids.

We all sat down to eat, and everyone chatted about anything and everything. As I watched my family, all of them, I felt my chest grow with love. I wouldn't trade the day for anything. I'd make sure it would be one that I'd never forget.

 _The only things missing are Em, Jas and D. I'd give anything to have you all here, but thank you for sharing your families with me._

Later that night, as I packed for the upcoming trip, I went to put something in my bag, and just before I did, I took in the pregnancy test that was laying inside. I looked up to find a grinning Bella.

"Ready to be a daddy, soldier?"

I dropped what I had in my hand, speechless. I didn't care how it happened. Lord knew there were a couple times we didn't use a condom, and she wasn't on birth control. I grabbed her then and pulled her into my arms, immediately kissing her senseless.

"More than ready."

Out of all the missions I'd ever prepared for... all of the surprises I'd ever had in my life, that was the one I couldn't wait for.

A year before, I was drowning in grief, too afraid to move on and face the events that shaped my life into what it was. Now, I crossed my finish line, happy and proud with the man I'd become. Never in a million years did I ever think I'd get to the end of the tunnel, but I looked forward to countless days of smiles and laughter and happy memories of my friends.

I kneeled down on the floor and pulled Bella's shirt up and gently kissed her soft belly. I closed my eyes and whispered a thank you to Bella and whoever else granted me a second chance at life. It was shaping into being everything I'd ever dreamed.

 **The End.**

 **~.~**

 **Thank you all very much for reading, sticking with me and leaving me the most amazing reviews for this story.**

 **And yes, you all know I had to put in a Marvel/Winter Soldier mention in there.**

 **Again, Epilogue will post on Saturday.**


	36. Epilogue

**Are we really at the Epilogue? This fic has been amazing to write. I cried right along with all of you as these two grew and jumped over their hurdles. Out of all my fics, I think emotionally, this was the hardest one to write. But I loved every second of it. Never once did I think it would get the kind of response it did, and I am so thankful you guys, each and every one of you, took a chance on this fic.**

 **I am forever thankful for each and every review you guys leave me. You guys are the ones that make this worth it. I seriously can't thank you guys enough for reading, rec'ing, spreading the word about this fic. Thank you for being on this journey with me.**

 **As always, I am forever thankful to my one of my best friends, Kyla713. She has put up with me so much the last couple of months with all the docs I've sent her, all the pages I've had her look over. And Packy...I don't know what I'd do with out her. Her comments and gifs that line my docs make writing even better.**

 **I hope this Epilogue is everything you hoped it would be.**

 **~.~**

 **Epilogue-**

 **A year later~**

Emily Rose Cullen came screaming into the world on a very windy, rainy day in March, instantly letting Chicago know they had a new resident. She was feisty from the get go. All ten fingers and toes, beautiful brown eyes like her momma, and a mop of dark hair that finished her perfection.

Her wail that pierced the room also pierced my heart in a way I'd never forget.

That little angel gave my life a whole new meaning and purpose. I instantly understood my dad when he said a parent's love is like no other. The instant you lay eyes on your child, your world is not your own anymore and you're okay with that. Your heart grows bigger when you didn't think it possible.

Though, to be honest, the months leading up to her birth was a whirlwind of change and setbacks. While I was happy that Bella was pregnant, it set off a whole new round of fears. Could I handle a baby? Would my child even want an ex-vet, who still suffered from PTSD, as a dad? What if Bella left me? What if something happened to Bella and the baby? My anxiety soared. I knew that, sensibly, all my fears were unfounded, but my head and heart battled it out. It took a few months, but eventually, with the help of our joint counselor and Eleazar, I righted myself again.

I found that having Bucky helped a lot. That Golden Retriever as a godsend. It took a few months for both of us to really get used to each other and mesh, but once we did, it amazed me at how well we actually worked together. Once he learned my triggers, he could sense when I was starting to go into an episode, and he'd come up next to me, bear all his weight on me, and eventually, I'd pull out of it. If we were out in public, he'd pull me out of the way of people, and he'd help me out. He became a best friend. He was even more protective once Emily was born.

Then there was the move to Chicago. We moved sooner than we had planned, but it worked out perfectly. My parents found us a beautiful home just blocks from them. Bella instantly fell in love, and since she could pretty much work remotely, I put in my request for a transfer as soon as I could. The ball seemed to pick up speed after that, and we moved to Chicago in October.

I thought for sure moving would stir up old memories again, but I found I was happy to leave Seattle behind and embrace my hometown. In fact, I loved it. Em's family visited often. The kids would stay over once a month. We'd have movie marathons, staying up to the wee hours and regretting the junk food. I loved having them around, and they made me even more excited about my impending fatherhood.

Bella, at first, had a hard time leaving Seattle. It seemed that she hadn't realized just how hard it would be to say goodbye to her home state. Charlie was her only link, but it was a powerful one. She felt guilt in leaving, even though she knew it wouldn't matter. Before we left, we made a side trip to Forks for her to have one last chat with her dad, letting him know she was okay and that he was going to be a grandpa. Tears were shed, but happiness prevailed. She was able to walk away from her dad's grave with a smile and a promise that she'd be back to visit soon.

My parents were beside themselves with having me back. There wasn't a day I didn't see them. They'd find a reason to visit; most of the time, they were over to fuss over a very pregnant Bella. My dad was always bringing her ice cream. My mom was frequently taking Bella to get pampered. I loved seeing her relationship with them. In a way, I felt like seeing how effortless Bella's relationship was with them, and it helped my own relationship with my parents grow and strengthen. Though, I knew that nothing could make up for the five years I refused contact, or all the years I was in service.

The day we found out that our baby was a girl, I cried. I sat in that chair in the ultrasound room and asked the technician to confirm the sex again. While Bella looked on, I smiled so huge, it hurt my face and a tear escaped. I wasn't sad; I was happy. Overly happy. I never thought I'd ever be a father, nor did I think I'd ever get to where I was after losing all that I had. But to be graced with a daughter...I'd thank God everyday for that miracle.

From that moment on, I doted on my girls. I made sure Bella was always comfortable, and if she was working, I bugged her to take breaks. Any craving she had, I spoiled her. When we laid in bed, I'd talk to Bella's bump until I was yawning, and most of the time, Bella was already fast asleep. I wanted to make sure Bella had the easiest pregnancy possible, or as easy I could make it on her.

The day Bella's water broke, I froze. For being a combat veteran, used to on the go situations, I looked at Bella wide eyed, and made the mistake of making sure her water did, in fact, break.

She growled at me as she winced while a contraction hit. "Would you like to trade me places, Edward? Then you'll know if I am sure or not?"

You'd think that'd make my two feet move, but it didn't. I was scared and excited all at the same time. Eventually, I got a move on. I grabbed my keys, the overnight bag, and finally, Bella's hand. Once she was in the car, I shakily dialed the doctor and everything felt like it went in fast forward from that moment on.

Bella was beautiful in her pain. She controlled it in ways that amazed me. She refused an epidural, and with each new contraction, her face grew more determined. I'd tell her how much I loved her, how I couldn't wait for the most precious gift of ours to arrive. That she amazed me every day as each contraction hit her. The closer they grew, the more tired she began to look.

On the final push, I held my forehead to hers and I told her I'd love her for a million years as she squeezed my hand, reared forward and pushed as hard as she could.

The first time my eyes laid on Emily, I knew...I just knew my world had changed for the better again.

After everything with mother and baby was taken care of, and both declared healthy, we were moved to another room. My girls were tired, and rightfully so.

I looked over at Bella as she slept. Gently, I moved the hair away from her face and kissed her softly. I then went and picked up my daughter, and held her in my arms. I sat down in the chair, and my eyes moved from Emily to Bella, taking in the similar characteristics. They were both beyond beautiful, even after hours of labor.

As I held the small miracle in my arms, I couldn't stop looking at her. Softly, I kissed the top of Emily's head and inhaled in her scent.

She was real. She was there and in my arms.

"Well, my lovely Emily. Do you think your momma is ready to marry me? Do you think she'd say yes? We're a bit late on this, but with good reason. You were getting ready for your debut, and your momma and I had stuff to work through. But I think now is a perfect time, don't you?" I asked, as I softly ran my fingers over her very tiny hand.

Silence filled the room again and I stared down at my newborn daughter, in awe of how small she truly was in my arms. I made a promise to always protect her, love her and keep boys away.

"Have I ever told you no, Edward?" Bella's sleepy sounding voice startled me out of my thoughts.

"No, love." I smiled and stood up. "You up for holding her? How are you feeling? Do I need to get the nurse?"

She shook her head. "I'm fine, handsome. Now give me that beautiful bundle."

There was nothing like the way Bella looked at our daughter. Adoration and love. Her eyes stayed glued on Emily, looking over all her fingers and toes, and ran her own finger gently down our daughter's face, tracing her nose and lips.

Slowly, I bent down and kissed Bella. "Look what we did. I've never felt so much amazement or love."

"I know. I can't believe she's finally here."

I kissed her again and fished a box out of my pocket. I opened it quietly and placed it in Bella's line of sight. "So...was that a yes?"

Bella's eyes widened as she looked up at me, tears cascading down her face. "It will always be a yes, Edward. I love you."

I didn't know if it was the culmination of the birth of our daughter, Bella saying yes, and just the all of the steps we took to get there, but emotions got the better of me.

I wouldn't trade that day for anything.

 **~.~**

When my Emily was two months old, on a bright sunny day, I took her to go and meet my brother. I held her to my chest as I walked up the grass and to his grave plot.

"Hello, Em. It's been awhile." I rocked Emily as I spoke. "I wanted you to meet someone special. She's was a surprise from the get go. Em, meet Emily Rose Cullen. I'm starting to think she has your attitude. She's grumpy when not fed on time. Hates sleep. And burps as loud as you ever did." I inhaled my daughter's scent. She was all baby, and that sweet smell of baby shampoo. It instantly grounded me. "I miss you. I really do. Your laughter. Your dumbass smiles. Even your pranks. And man, you don't have to worry. Your family is amazing. Your boys are growing like weeds, and your daughter amazes me each time I see her. She's a carbon copy of Rose. Rosalie is doing fine. I make sure to check in with her at least once a day. Your family loves you, we love you."

I stood there for a few more minutes, listening to the light breeze as I held my daughter and thought back on all the good memories I had of Em. "We'll be back. I just wanted you to meet the newest, smallest Em. My Emily. She'd have loved you. I just know it." I then turned around and walked away. As I drove out of the cemetery, I could've sworn the sun shone brighter than it did before.

 **~.~**

When my next birthday rolled around, there was no surprise party, but a wedding. We decided on that day because it was the day where I truly felt I had it all. The closure, family, friends and my life back. So, I spent my birthday watching my beautiful, now wife, walk down the aisle towards me. Our daughter in her arms as she smiled and joined me at the altar. My mom came up to take Emily for the duration of the ceremony. We got married in front of all our friends and family.

Another beautiful day to outweigh all the bad.

Back then, I'd sleep restlessly. Nightmares would plague me and I'd succumb to an episode. Noises would set me off at a moment's notice. But now, no nightmares, and sleep came due to exhaustion. The minute I heard my daughter cry, I'd immediately go to her. No episodes would come. Instead, I'd find myself smiling as I'd walk to her crib and pick her up, happy to face the world, as long as Bella and she were in it.

Life is never meant to be perfect, but this was as perfect as perfect could get.

 **~.~**

 **Thank you for reading, and being the most amazing readers an author could ask for.**


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